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October 31, 2018 5:11 am  #1

How do you get back to trusting your instincts

Sometimes I feel every lucky it was only 3 years of being together and only one year of marriage. Met him in high school in gym class and my first instinct funny enough was that he was gay. He was really nice and was really the only boy who ever talk to me. In the first weeks of knowing him he just talked about another girl he was going out with. So I kind of put aside the gay Instinct I had. We talk almost every day and about everything. We had a lot in common with moving around alot always being poor not having water in the house sometimes lights. I let my guard down. after sometime I stopped think about the bright colors he would ware and the deep v shirts. I just thought he wore them because he had no choice with money. And these things would not always raise alrams on there own. It was just a little strange to ware these cloths because of where we lived a small town in Wy. A state that is known for violence against LGBTQ community. Which is why I don't hate him for hidding himself then. Or maybe he wasn't hidding as much as he could have. I might have just pushed out of my head because I was happy that a boy liked me and was talking to me. I had a lot of gay friends growing up in other states. and I guess I was just use to the freeness they had to be open.I never thought about people still hidding themselfs.i guess it's also the privilege I have as a millennial to be living in a more free environment. It was my frist and still only relationship with someone. So I had no tools to help me stay focused on what was good for me in a relationship. And not think about him all the time and what he wanted. We moved to a nother small town in wy. It was more stessful but not bad. But I started to notice we were try a lot of other sexual stuff and he didn't seem to like it as much. And then he started not letting me touch his phone. Witch got me annoyed but we would just joke about him cheating on me. He would tell me it was because he wanted to finally have something of his own.because of how he was rasied and having sisters who were always getting into his stuff. So like an idiot I never went though it. trying to be a good and not annoying girlfriend. We moved again a year later to away more liberal state. And he started to ask me about gay history and my thoughts on it. Now this wasn't to out there for me because I was going to school for history. I was talking about human rights a lot and how being gay was always hard and scary. I think he was trying to lead me a little to my own conclusion about him with out him having to tell me. But I trusted him and didnt really think about it because he asked me to marry him. This is the point where everyone says I really should have seen it. He started to plan most of it on his own. picking places to get married and colors we should have and picking the place to honnymoon. He always asked about it and let me see the things he was looking at. So I just thought he was excited about having something nice and fun to do with our families. no one else in our family got married with a big wedding. Then he started to change the days of the wedding and what we would do. He started to get mad at me for things that where his fult. And he would change jobs every month. This is when he started to sleep around he found guys would sleep with him in the car. And he would tell me he was still working late at night. Witch could have been true because the place he worked stayed open really late. I never gave it a second thought or looked at his phone. Him being mad at me became like a second breath never really letting up. And I always thought it was my fault because I was always told it was my fault for things by my parents growing up. It was toldly normal for me to hear this. anyway we didn't have a big wedding we had a court wedding on a random day he chose. He said it was an apology for the months of stress he caused. He just said it was stressed from not having a steady job and moving States. I bought in to the whole thing and three months later he told me he was gay. I have spent a year bulding myself up financially with his help sometimes we still talk. I hide my pain really well even from myself. Most days I feel humiliated for letting it get that far. I can't really talk to my family cuz they would want to hurt him in some way. I talked to some coworkers about it but just co-workers so not really in depth. I'm grateful for the clamness that swept over me when he told me that night. I think about that feeling when I get overwhelmed. I just really wish I listened to myself that first day.

Last edited by Always alone (October 31, 2018 5:46 am)


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