My husband and I have been together for 21 years, married for almost 16 years.  We met in an unusual way and hit it off quickly.  We knew we were perfect for each other and our lives were going great...or so I thought.

I started seeing hints of him questioning his sexuality when he confessed to me he is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.  He often wondered if it made him gay.  It was two years later when he "came out" and confessed to me he was bisexual.  This was six years ago.  He attended gay pride festivities at the nearest big city and began hanging out at a well known gay bar in the same big city.  One year, I went with him.  We both had fun and I attributed his bisexuality as just another facet of him.  I did not ask if he was faithful to me and he never told me if he was unfaithful.  He didn't talk much about what happened at the club except to say he had fun and he was on the club cam that roamed around the club and his photo would appear on their Facebook page.

Then his father died.  His father was his rock and they were close.  In his grief, he ended up getting mixed up with this ultra religious cult.  In fact, things got so bad that I almost left him and I was left alone emotionally and physically at the worst possible time as my grandfather was dying and someone very close to me began to decline quickly from Alzheimer's.

He has since broken free from the cult, and again has embraced his bisexuality.  Only this time I am not so sure that he is bisexual and I wonder if he isn't just flat out gay.  Between the hash tags he uses on his Instagram, the photos of him with his hair in different colors as well as the photos of him wearing full make up, I would convince myself that he is just exploring.

Because of the trauma with the cult, I have PTSD.  And this weekend, with my husband and son, it was triggered while we were in a restaurant.  I managed to get to the car and calm down, and no one asked me a single question to see if I was okay.  My son knew not to ask me about it but my husband did not.  I'm already on edge a little bit and I opened my Instagram to see a post about what he did over the weekend, again in full make up and this time with all the typical LBGTQ hash tags.

My emotions are all over the place.  I am angry, disgusted, sad, and just not sure how I feel.  Why it is hitting me now after six years is driving me crazy.  I feel like I am in a fog and I honestly can't think straight.  I am able to keep them to myself for the moment, but it won't be long before people around me will begin to notice something is wrong and I do not dare say anything to anyone about this because it opens up a can of worms I don't want to deal with.  

My husband is Native American so he gets free counseling.  My insurance has a $2,500 deductible so that means I have to pay $85 per session for counseling, and I can't afford it since I am playing catch up on bills that he has neglected to pay and tell me about.  I have more to the story but suffice to say there has been an emotional distance on my part for a very long time and I feel that my world is crashing around me.  Is this normal?