Thank you. I just don’t know where I fit in at the moment or what to do. I think because we have been both so close for such a long time we have had each other and now I feel I’ve lost a lot. Even though for him I guess things are easier. I get upset he has recently stopped saying I love you when we say good bye and I know this all is a part of it but I’m use to small things like that and now I feel not wanted or apart of anything. I didn’t expect to be to be a straight spouse that’s lonely.
I don’t know I feel lost on here, lost talking to friends. Lost at work and my closed friend says maybe I should just start dating but the thought makes me sick and even that doesn’t feel right. I’ve lost a lot of confidence in myself and let myself go over the years. Suddenly I’m like ‘who am I? And why has my life turned out like this?’ Seeing older happier couples upsets me also. Why couldn’t I have found a man who loved me more then anything and someone to share my life with? I have shared a big part of my life with him and now I’m like well fuck I will never be able to look back on those years with anyone else. I thought I’d be looking back on many of good years and now it feels all for nothing in a sick and twisted way.

Willowtree99 and Marie13, if you haven't done so already gather your financial information and consult an attorney or attorneys to learn where you would stand if he  -or you-  separate and divorce. Once out of the closet he can find the love of his life faster than a teenage girl. As with her it may not last but another will come along and it can get expensive as well as difficult to live with..

I would not suggest dating if you are still sorting yourself out. You run the risk of meeting someone struggling with his own problems or someone who seeks out women who are vulnerable because they are easier to dominate. Both types are hard to shed when you realize they aren't people you want in your life. Find yourself before you look for someone else.

A counselor for your - not a couples or marriage counselor- can be a great help in helping you find your inner strength. 

Hello Willowtree99, 
Your message could have easily be written by me - my husband of 30 years told me he wanted to 'explore' a different side of himself with a man four months ago. I was/am  devastated. We too continue to live together and are continuing to try to keep caring whilst trying to address our own needs.

Since he told me he joined a dating web site and has had coffees with about five men. I made it a condition of what I needed that he tell me when he was going on a date - that way I could prepare myself for it and even try and busy myself by going out myself to help me cope. I also found that I was asking about his dates a few days after and so I got to know about what was happening - the first four men didn't turn out to be what he wanted, all too aggressive and according to him 'just weird' ...he did not pursue any sexual relation with any of them - he is looking for a connection. I posted about this and I got some strong advice from some posts noting that asking such questions wasn't good for me - they were right BUT I did what I needed to at the time. I suppose deep down I needed to know so that I could confirm that all of this is really happening and also subliminally as Kel posted, I probably wanted to find out how much he had disconnected from me. Anyhow, he is now on his fifth guy, unlike the others, this one was also married for a long time, has kids and is separated so they share much in common - he has been out wiht this guy a few times and I know he likes him - in fact he is going on a date with him today. 

Willowtree99, I still feel sick to my stomach about this- I can't tell you - not so much inner bitch as you say but I just feel sick at the prospect of it - of him connecting with someone, of him wanting to stroke someone else's hair or hug someone else as we had done in a loving relationship for so many years... BUT... after four months, I have decided not to ask him anything else about the content of his dates -  all we have agreed is that we will tell each other if we are out for the night. Some of the feelings I have have lessened and whilst I feel sick at the thought of him going on  a date, I feel more robust - I don't know why. All I know is that it's horrible but you have to ride it through - embrace every opportunity that comes your way to go out and smile and start planning and mapping out your time independently. I haven't started dating - can't imagine it - but maybe I've started being more open to everyday flirting with people - this sounds much more than it is - I just mean noticing people around me and being open to engage in a more open way than I ever have before. I also joined the gym so I have somewhere 'legitimate' to go and keep busy if he's on a date if I don't want to stay home with my thoughts. 

Sorry for long message but just wanted to reach out and say that I'm feeling different/ better about him dating - not so raw, take good care of yourself.

I think we write our own stories. After so many years married, in my case 23 mostly wonderful years, I do not want to destroy my relationship with my husband. It is changing, of course, and it will continue to change. Each change (the new date for example) will require processing, therapy, and a new set of decisions that work for him and for me. It is not easy, or fun, but if you live long enough, there will be sadness and pain in your  life. My goal is to preserve what is good in our marriage, even if the title "Marriage" does not endure. I think this is also important for children to see us muddle through with love.