Hi Willow - My former husband has never admitted that he was gay, and I frankly had not realized it myself at the time of our divorce (many years ago now).  However, he was cheating with someone and I knew it.  Toward the end of our marriage, he would often make comments that suggested that I was cheating too, although he never showed any signs of being turned on by that idea.  I always thought it was a way to "balance out" his own cheating, so it wouldn't look as bad to himself or others.  I think what Ignorance said above is also a possibility, that he might have been looking for an open marriage of sorts.  I think my former spouse wanted either out of the marriage altogether or something like an open marriage.  He said things that suggested I might be cheating and I thought that in a certain way, he was even encouraging it, so that he would have some sort of "out" for his own bad behavior.  Like you, I never had any desire to be with anyone else.  I thought we had marriage problems and wanted to work on fixing them; I did not want another person.

Hi Willow, 

Welcome to our group.  I'm sorry you are going through this.  
I would imagine the response above is a reasonable guess, but I think everyone has their own reasons for their fantasies. 

Good for you for setting your boundaries!  Don't ever do something you are uncomfortable with to appease someone who has been dishonest with you about who they are. 

How are you doing aside from the sexual fantasy or cheating suggestions?   How long have you been married?  How long have you known he is gay?  Are you staying with him or thinking about separating?  What else can we help you with?
*You don't have to answer any questions at all if you are uncomfortable.  I'm just exploring to see how else we can help you cope and move forward. 

 

Hi, Willowtree.  Welcome.

I agree with what IgnoranceIsBliss posted: your husband is the only person who understands why he has these fantasies, and he may be a bit in denial about them.

If he has already cheated on you (or is seriously considering it) it may be a way he can assuage his conscience about it -- that way you would have been the first one to cheat, and he gets off the hook morally because you did it first.

When my husband and I had the first conversation about his little hobby, I'd pointed out to him that I had never cheated on him, and he responded "I never stopped you."  I shut that right down as soon as he said it -- he would have been DEVASTATED if I'd cheated.  It's only in his imagination that somehow we two are on equal footing here.  So I think one possible explanation for your situation is that your husband wants you to cheat so he can get a free pass to cheat as well.