My husband to 30+ years told me he was gay and wanted a divorce after he met a man he thought was the love of his life. Like you I'd been in a sexless marriage for years and blamed myself. My immediate reaction was to blurt out that I would date. Enough of this forced celibacy: if he could have a man I could too. 

Then reality set in. I rented Magic Mike and realized that the men I should be looking at would not look like them. We did not tell our children or separate immediately and I was not going to venture into the dating world while we were in the same house. I needed to get mentally healthy because I did not want to attract a man with issues. 

One of the first things I did was contact the Straight Spouse Forum and was put in contact with a woman who had found herself in a similar situation. I was almost 60 and very scared for my financial future. I consulted an attorney and filed for support as soon as he moved out. My goal was to come out of this able to own a retirement home and prove to myself and my children that I would not be their responsibility. He could take care of himself. Not nasty but just a fact.

Nobody told me I'd be fine and I'd find someone else: I had to find resources which would convince me that I would be. A pamphlet for widows that I found at church helped me accept the finality and move on. Due to the financial crash the divorce was not filed until the housing market improved and we could both walk away with a nest egg. A friend had a widower she knew look me up and being with a straight man made be realize how much I had missed.

I am probably one of the few people here who gets along with my ex - and his current boyfriend who has a sense of humor similar to mine. The children are thankful but I did it for me as much as for them. Living well is not the best revenge but the best way of living. I have my house, half his pension and my freedom.  I am happy.

Hello Reeling - I am sorry that you are here, and I am also sorry that I will probably be blunt and not real gentle, but after years of experiencing and reading others' stories about this, I just can't candy coat anything.  In spite of what you feel now, he is not your best friend, probably not even a friend at all.  Friends do not do this sort of thing to friends.  He appears to have known for a long time that he is gay, yet he has let you live on for years or more likely decades believing he is straight.  A friend does not treat a friend like that.  He is only thinking of himself and that is what you need to do now - think of yourself (and your children of course), but do what is right and best for you so that you can have some sort of life for yourself going forward - a life that is real and not caught up in any illusion.  I agree with Lily (she's great) that you should probably listen to your friends about getting a lawyer, etc.  Privately make plans for yourself and do not share them with him.  Abby has also been here a long time and has lots of good things to say, so I would heed her advice also.

No one ever told me it would all work out, be OK, etc., so I cannot speak to that issue.

Best of luck to you.  It will most likely be very helpful to you to stay on this board and keep posting.  Read and post, as it is about the most helpful thing any of us in this situation have found.  You are not alone and there is much wisdom and help to be found here.

Last edited by Lake Breeze (October 20, 2018 9:17 am)