I honestly don't feel like I am repressing anything. I am more heterosexual than you might think.

For instance, prior to being married I had a ton to drink and was being propositioned by a really attractive woman, she grabbed my hand and was leading me off to surely hook up. a man stopped us, began speaking to me during this attempt and my gears shifted to him. I ended up having an escapade with him that night, not her. Why would I do that?? In my mind, I craved woman adventures but in a second I chose a man over a fantasy. 

I used to watch porn, mostly lesbian, but it has been 2 years since a near daily porn addiction.  I have slipped up on the porn watching, but was able to recover quickly. Husband was aware, I was very convicted. I installed a block software on these sites so I can't even go there.  He has been, so he says, porn free and jerk off free for 2 years. This is a commitment we both made and I'm the one who flopped, not him. Again, so he says.  We both made this huge commitment to turning to Christ and i know of people being healed of something, and he says he was healed of this. I was not. I don't know that I believe this but in 2 years I have tracked him, and seen nothing since Dec. 2016. I am a very sneaky and stealthy spy lol.

Interestingly, I have confirmed that the source of my addiction and I believe also my idea of bisexuality began with heterosexual porn, I got bored, moved onto lesbian, moved onto group, pegging, and different scenarios, even mmf. My point being, I do feel that this all started with porn addiction for me and a crave of something else visually stimulating.  Could it be the same for some of these guys? Not all of them, or most of them, but could this be a starting point? They say 90 percent of young males in teens have a porn addiction and viewing begins at 11. I have a feeling we may see a lot more of this sexual confusion and fluidity because of porn. More disturbingly, Disney and Nickelodeon and other media portray gay is okay. Dad's married to dads on CARTOON kid shows. Our kids are being subjected to sexual identity issues at 5-9 years old. My prediction is we will be facing many confused teens and young adults being bisexual and gay.

Adults are being taught to not suppress their sexual urges yet the bible clearly says this is a sin. These desires are inherently wrong and in my opinion are directly from the devil. For me, my slip surely was. There are statistics that say most people are not just heterosexual anymore. But we are all being fed intense visual stimuli through pornography and risque television shows with these same sex scenes. This is confusing for young adults, it confused me. I am 32.

I am not saying some people are not just simply gay but im saying there is a sexual identity crisis happening that is devastating families and culture.

I also found out my husband was sexually abused around 8-9, forced by an older boy to touch another boy. I think I read that is common In these situations, is that true?

I was also abused sexually, but by an older male cousin. Not penetration or anything but inappropriately forced into touching. Not sure if that means anything. It doesn't bother me at all at this point.

Regarding the helpfulness of my husband, he has picked up most of the slack. Pregnancy has been tough for me this time ( super sick) . now i am not so sick, but in a position at work working massive hours that leave me no time and taking kids to activities. He cleans, does laundry and cooks 1-2x a week. He is very helpful and a great dad. He has also been a good father figure for my daughter, whose father is abusive and cold. He is very warm and has taken her on as his own.

Our relationship , even with all this crap, is much better than my parents who never spoke, hugged, or kissed. They never communicated really. We do these things, and have daily since we met.

So yes, i do think he'll help with the baby. He loves babies ( volunteer with them at church even). He's a good dad.

In Our relationship he has always made it a point to fill my emotional calls, pays attention. Is physical, does things I ask, etc.. I on the other hand suck so bad at it!!! Self reflection shows me I honestly am rejecting of his advances at times, can be cold, and entirely ignore what he's saying to me while I am preoccupied. Literally he tries to have sex sometimes and I shut him down. Is that not a recipe for disaster? I don't know.

As far as divorce. Obviously now is not the greatest time , my baby shower is Sunday. The baby will be born in the holidays, im due January 3rd. I'm not sure what to do. I considered leaving and taking some time apart, but I think it would just confuse our kids.. They are 7 8 and 9. I also need to think of my daughter. This man is a father to her and the only stable one she has. Even if I do divorce him I would never have another relationship again other than with God. He is faithful. So, maybe I will focus on that and see where it takes me.

Interestingly, my bible study took me to John 18 the Morning after I found the email account existed the other day.  It's the betrayal of Jesus. Peter chops off the ear of a guard and Jesus tells him to put his sword back in his sheath.  This spike volumes to me personally and I was weeping. How Could it be that literally the day after this happens I am reading on the betrayal of Jesus.  To me, I have been fighting like crazy to try and figure out if something happened or not, wondering and searching for answers and I finally found them, something I prayed for.  To me this put your sword away says to me that it's time for me to put my own sword away and stop fighting, stop searching and time to move on.  What the moving on means entirely I do not know. The chapter goes on to talk about Peter denying Jesus 3x. And I felt this hard, because I can literally feel the pain he must have felt knowing his friend denied knowing him.  Peter did this to save his own skin, i don't think he intended to hurt Jesus it is human nature for all of us to try to save our own skin in times of potential loss. In my case, loss of relationship on his part. This is very clear to me that lying is not meant to harm the person being lied to. Jesus chose forgiveness and love above all else.  Forgiveness is HARD. 2 years have gone by and I still am struggling with this.  I am afraid to seek a therapist out because we both have children to other people and a custody evaluation would force us to release medical records, including tbe records of therapy visits. This could damage our case. We are currently in tbe midst of litigation against my step kids bio mom and grandmother. Bio mom has no relationship with them and there has been a guardian ad litem appointed to figure out what's best for kids.  While i know it is being with us (mother is unmedicated schizophrenic) this situation is not something i want publicized.

If anyone knows any good books on forgiveness or has any tips on how to do this without therapy, I would appreciate it. Forgiveness is my next step on moving on whether with or without him, its something i need to do at this point.

Hi Lily,

I really appreciate your replies.

Maybe you're right, but I dont imagine myself ever wanting any kind of emotional relationship with a woman. Its just not something I've ever considered or have had interest in. It has been a purely physical interest.

I consider myself a fairly strong minded person, and seeing a destructive divorce with my own parents has been honestly a strong motivator to not be the type of people they were.  Breaking the family mold i guess. I do not keep secrets or lie to my husband, or anyone for that matter, because I have seen what it does.

Parents bisexual? Maybe, who knows. Ick ick ick lol!!!


Over the Last few days, more and more things my husband has lied about previously he is telling me.  Ive asked him about abuse, he lied initially and came clean now. I asked him about the email account, he lied.  When confronted originally about the account Thursday he said he didnt want to open it (I agreed), but then yesterday when I brought it up again he said he deleted it 2 years ago after i found out.  So, another lie??? His excuse is it was 2 years ago and hes forgotten.

I know there are more lies. He told me he tried to access the account after a 6 month period and it didn't exist.  This may be true because I looked at their policy and it does delete after that period.  The funny part? There wasn't one month from 2015- Dec 2016 that he didn't access it.  So when did he try to reaccess it? Just another lie.

He also had been lieing about not touching himself, which i believe he actually hooked up with someone 6 months ago.  I looked at his travel history and one day 6 months ago there is 0 records.  Again, he is not telling me the truth.

From what I can see the thing that happens to bisexuals is that as they get to middle age their emotionality has largely conformed to their physicality.  The physical interest in women hasn't changed, but it gets to feel more intense as your emotionality changes to go with it.  The point at which you fall in love with a woman, bingo, there you are.  In touch with yourself.

It seems to me more likely that one of your parents is bisexual and the other one straight.  I'm not suggesting you talk to them about it all, and I do know it's a bit icky but it might help to simply think about it a bit and see if you can work it out. 

At 7 months pregnant you must be nest-building.  If your gut says this is a safe place to be then I think you can have confidence in yourself.  If it says move then I'd listen.  

But whatever happens I hope reading on this forum has given you an insight into the suffering involved in a straight/bi marriage and you don't move on to one of those.

Physical is key.

well phoenix - and how many times do we say to stop focusing on the partner and concentrate on what you want?

Hopeful has said that's what she wants to do.  She is also demonstrating that she understands her partner is deceptive and strikes me as no longer in danger of being manipulated by him.

okay I'm out of here.

I don't want to cause any arguments! I appreciate all feedback and hinestt. I am most concerned with my husband's motives and lack of honesty.

Most recent told me he set up meetings with 20 men at least. The closet he says he got, drove to one and drove away.  How Could i believe that.

I don't get why he wont come clean.