OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


BE A DONOR >>>


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



October 17, 2018 1:20 am  #1


Is he wanting a monogamous MOM or just confused?

Hi ALL 

So Ive got an interesting situation. Been dating this guy for 2 years. He was very open and honest with me from the beginning about his past. He was molested since age of 7 by male in his family and also suffers from depression. He says he was confused about his sexuality since young age however had several female relationships, one being the love of his life who died. At 19 he married a woman whom he said he never truly loved and they had 2 kids. His struggles with depression and sexuality took a toll on the marriage. He says he could never cheat on his SO but he wasn't giving her what she needed and she cheated, they divorced. HE HATES INFIDELITY. He then was in a few other hetero relationships but they never lasted. He then "went out there" as he calls it and experimented with embracing his homosexual feelings. He had a few hook ups with men, but is a very emotional, loving guy and prefers monogamous relationships. He had 2 unsuccessful relationships with men in a 12 years period. One 5 years the other 1 year. Both times he never cheated, even staying in celibate long distance relationship with one but they eventually cheated on him in both cases. He got deeper into depression, drinking, etc and hit rock bottom. About 10 years ago he went into rehab, had a "come to Jesus" turn around as he calls it and moved back in with his family. Did not date and focused on himself.  2 years ago he saw me and instantly "fell in love". Thought I was the most beautiful thing ever. Stalked me for a bit, admitted his crush, time passed, he grew on me and we ended up dating. Initially very affectionate, passionate, touchy and loved to tongue kiss... aside from some effeminate tendencies never thought he was gay. It was hard for him, but he opened up to me about his past and everything he's done with men, etc but assured me he was "done with that lifestyle". I was weary but we continued relationship. Everything was great (aside from occasional depressive bouts because he doesn't always take his ANTI dep meds ) right up unil our engagement. He fell in love waay too fast! 6 months into our relationship he was ready to propose. I stopped him and convinced him to wait it out. Finally he attempted again April of this year and I said yes. It went downhill from there. No porn/ grindr discoveries, internet searches and no talking to other guys/meetups  (I am always using his phone) and he literally works desk job, comes home and vegges out, but I noticed he loved watching RuPauls Drag Race, Grace and Frankie and caught him one time laying naked watching some skivvies band with men and women in underwear on youtube....I kinda brushed it off cus hes always naked when hes at home...His depressive bouts/drinking then increased from every other month to almost weekly. When Id ask him whats going on he kept talking about his childhood molestation ruining him and fears of not being able to satisfy me the way I deserve once were married because he's got ED (hes 45), I told him that wasnt a concern and we'd work on it together. The weeks passed, the depressive bouts progressed.  Still very loving and attentive at times but more isolated and distant. And kisses were only quick pecks. Then one super drunken night he texted me to watch "Love, Simon" then texted then next day"...this is difficult, but I am gay" After that I empathized with him and assured him I loved him but we could no longer pursue a romantic relationship as I do not have the appropriate "appendages" he desires (LOL) but we could still be friends and I wasn't mad at him. He then went to his lowest depression and drinking phase which landed him in ER. He wouldnt bathe, eat or leave his bed according to his family, since I dumped him. After he stabilized, we met for dinner a week ago. He hugged me so tight I thought I was going to die and he started sobbing! He couldnt get over how "beautiful" I was since he hadnt seen me in 2 months. He then says he made things seem too "black and white" when they arent. He says he's "not gay, but attracted to both" and although he "struggles at times with thoughts", is 100% committed to me only. He cannot accept me not being his wife and says he will try until he dies to regain my trust. He feels although he has this struggle there are many ways 2 people who love each other can express and enjoy intimacy. Whatever that means. He can be aroused with male on male thoughts  but hetero..he just cant get it up. I mean we havent tried together, we arent sexually active for moral reasons, and his fear is, since his last sexual encounter was years ago and with a man, he may have issues getting it up with me although hes "extremely attracted to me" as he puts it. I listened all night, we had a good talk but I gave him his ring back and told him that although we can never say never, that right now he should focus on his health and we can still be best friends and go from there. He seemed ok by the end of the night although he was crushed. He sent a few drunk texts begging for me to not let this go, then couple days later he checked into rehab for a 6 week program. He gets out mid November. He's hoping that Im still waiting on the other side when he gets out. He's not accepting the friendship route at all. Im super confused. Half of me is like run for the hills this guy is gay in denial! The other half is still in love with the dope
Sorry for long story. I guess my questions are:
Would a gay man be this heartbroken over a straight partner leaving them? I mean he was actively in that lifestyle for years and his family and friends knew and accepted it. He wouldn't lose anything but me if he went back to that but he doesn't want to
Is he just a heartbroken gay man lying to himself who needs to find his true gay love? Is he possibly bi and can emotionally attach to either depending on situation?
 How can he be attracted to both when he can get sexually around thinking of men but not really with women? Is he just a confused depressed guy? Am I crazy for even considering we could have a successful monogamous MOM?

 

October 17, 2018 4:55 pm  #2


Re: Is he wanting a monogamous MOM or just confused?

CaliShocked87 wrote:

.....
Is he just a heartbroken gay man lying to himself who needs to find his true gay love? He doesn't sound heartbroken to me. Just confused and wanting somebody (you) beside him as he sorts out his confusion. If and when he finds he's no longer confused, and decides he is indeed gay...if you keep on investing in the r'ship you may find it impossible to break away and you will become the 'normal' wall he hides behind. 
Is he possibly bi and can emotionally attach to either depending on situation? I've learned the line between bi and gay is only as visible as the gay/bi man wants it to be. And it all depends on self-awareness. You should care more about how this to and fro'ing of emotional attachment will affect and possibly hurt you.
 How can he be attracted to both when he can get sexually around thinking of men but not really with women? 
Sounds like deep down he knows why, and I think you do too. 
Is he just a confused depressed guy? Another thing I've learned on this site.....sexual confusion will make anybody depressed 
Am I crazy for even considering we could have a successful monogamous MOM? Not crazy....no no   but you'll never be inside this guys mind, never truly know what he wants. Trust is one of the cornerstones of any relationship. If he's confused about his sexuality & r'ships...he might take your love for granted and won't respect you enough if he ever decides he needs more 

 


KIA KAHA                       
 

October 17, 2018 5:10 pm  #3


Re: Is he wanting a monogamous MOM or just confused?

Hey Ellexoh

I agree it sounds like he knows exactly what he truly is but for whatever reason is trying to repress it. The time lapse of not having him able to contact me as wellas this forum is making it easier and easier to stick to my resolve to cut all ties!

     Thread Starter
 

October 17, 2018 5:33 pm  #4


Re: Is he wanting a monogamous MOM or just confused?

Your initial long and detailed post was all about HIM...what happened in HIS life.....how HE feels, what HE wants, what HE DOESN"T want. You appear to have a good awareness and recall about HIM. 

Would he be able to describe you?, how you feel, where your life is headed, how you feel about him. He sounds very self-absorbed...like he would only have the ability to see your life in as far as it has a direct impact on his own...

 


KIA KAHA                       
 

October 17, 2018 5:46 pm  #5


Re: Is he wanting a monogamous MOM or just confused?

Elle,
Yeah I mainly just wanted to paint the picture of his side in the initial post. Though I agree he is selfish (narc as its termed?) I do think he can describe me very well. He describes me better than I can myself at times! He more of the emotional talker than I am. At that last dinner he kept asking me how I felt about all this, what I want, etc but at the time I was more numb and unable to express myself. He said he felt as if I had quickly moved on or atleast seemed happy via social media pictures he saw while he was miserable about the break up, etc. I said I just tend to express my hurt and sadness in more productive ways but doesnt mean I dont have feelings. 
Hes admitted he's too damaged to love and doesnt deserve me in the past (before TGT came out) but at the same time, being selfish as we all tend to be, he still struggles with the idea of letting me go. He did also express that he understands that if he cant get himself together I will and can move on and though it will hurt him, he will have to accept it.
I think in another forum I like the theory that he more than likely does love me in an emotionally connected way but, that huge sexuality factor...well never match on that end. I couldnt live with myself knowing he was miserable during our marriage because there was a huge piece of him he was repressing and depressed about. So, it just cant work.

     Thread Starter
 

October 17, 2018 6:04 pm  #6


Re: Is he wanting a monogamous MOM or just confused?

CaliShocked87 wrote:

...... I couldnt live with myself knowing he was miserable during our marriage because there was a huge piece of him he was repressing and depressed about. So, it just cant work.

 

The thing is....we're often not the master of our emotions at the start of a r'ship....but knowing his 'secret' now will mean you go into any continuing contact/r'ship with him..more aware than you would be if it came out after 32 years like mine did..Don't forget..this is your decision to make, not his. 
I could never tell you to "get out now" because I'm not you, but you have time on your side, as well as a good heart and you seem to know what you DON"T want
.


KIA KAHA                       
 

October 17, 2018 6:14 pm  #7


Re: Is he wanting a monogamous MOM or just confused?

I think this current situation has less to do with sexual orientation and more to do with him being a hot mess. Do YOU love him? Are you willing to wait while he gets his act together, goes through the extensive amount of psychological work he's going to need to do in order to become a balanced, healthy, happy human being? Because that is what he's gotta do before he will be able to create a relationship... at least, not one that weighs unduly upon you (or whatever presumably stable person he pins his hopes upon). 

I do think it's possible for a man to be gay and also in love with a woman... that's what my marriage is. But it is NOT EASY, though you have the benefit of knowing about it before the wedding. And you each have to have your own mental ducks in a row before you can tackle such a challenging situation. There are also plenty of companionate partnerships, where the two people are incredibly intimate in all ways EXCEPT sex (Cole Porter, Oscar Wilde, Rock Hudson, and Elton John are a few of the more public examples, but I'm certain many more exist quietly). This wouldn't be acceptable for me, personally... I really like sex, and am currently monogamous... but I mention it because there isn't one single pathway that all of us must follow. If you two really, truly feel you are each other's soulmates, I'm here to tell you that it's not impossible... challenging, yes. Out of step with societal expectations, mais oui. Potentially exciting and joyful and mutually fulfilling... it can happen, with a lot of communication, trust, dedication, honesty, negotiation, patience, and a very open mind.

Whatever happens, I sincerely wish the both of you peace as you traverse this minefield of emotions. 

 

October 17, 2018 6:31 pm  #8


Re: Is he wanting a monogamous MOM or just confused?

Yaz,
Thanks for writing! Yeah, good question. Yes he has alot of other issues going on that he needs to work on which is why I told him never say never but how about you just focus on your health for now and we can talk down the road. Though Im a whirlwind of emotion right now. I do love him but, not an EROS love and more of a grander, stronger AGAPE, selfless love if that makes sense? I cant speak much for the eros because we've never been intimate, as we were waiting for marriage. We kept things at touching, kissing, etc and that was arousing for me so I know its not an issue on my end. His claim is this fear of not performing well because he hasn't had sex in years and also takes meds for ED. Hes had lots of sex with women over the years and has kids but, the last time he had any sex was with a male and several years ago so after engagement he started having anxiety about this. He kept saying things like he would feel horrible if we have this amazing wedding and go on our honey moon and I get pissed because he cant get it up and then Id hate him. I told him I wasnt expecting him to be some amazing sex god because that wasnt why i fell in love with him and that we'd work on it together. I think things got hard for him (no pun intended) when he had a wet dream a few months ago, and although he didnt elaborate in details I think he was amazed that he had an erection since he hasnt had one in years. I assume it probably was a homo dream and then it mustve sent him in a panic because for the past 2 years all hes been thinking of is me so where was this coming from? I think that started his downward spiral of confusion. What you said is similar to what he tried to reason with me at that dinner. He feels we can enjoy marriage and intimacy in other ways besides sex especially with his fleeting libido....but I dunno Ive been glued to this forum initially out of curiosity and the more you read stories, etc the more I think it affects your thinking...I know, everyones story is different...just my thoughts
How long have you been in your mon MOM? Who decided on it being monogamous? Have you found yourself doing things youd never thought youd do, pegging, etc. I read one story of a woman who did all that and still her husband wasnt satisfied cause it wasnt a man!

Last edited by CaliShocked87 (October 17, 2018 6:55 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

October 17, 2018 6:53 pm  #9


Re: Is he wanting a monogamous MOM or just confused?

Elle,
 Thats my fear in all this. Part of me is like why are you even slightly considering this? The other part is, I know he loves me (just not sexually) and he's faithful could it work somehow? But why put myself through the torment? We could have a good 2, 5 maybe 20+ year run...then what? Then again, I mean you can say that about a hetero marriage too I guess . Still, the sexuality concerns are a huge red flag. Sex isnt of uber importance to me but it is important aspect of marriage. If I was down for the open thing, this wouldn't be a problem. But, unfortunately, for me its monogamy or nothing. And if hes going to be miserable over the years, then lets not even bother. It makes it difficult when Im the one pushing for the breakup and keeping it friendly and he the one crying for my to stay. We cant just be friends because he's "too in love with me" however were not together because...he's gay! Such a head scratcher huh?
To add, he has a crazy stalker ex girlfriend who's still in love with him after all these years, (she actually was mid divorce with her first husband and began relationship with my ex because she was always in love with him since their teens. When things fizzled years later they maintained a close friendship and she recently got divorced from her 2nd husband because, aside from other drama, he also had issues with how close she was to my ex). She was heart broken when she heard about me and how he immediately cut off all interaction with her out of respect for our relationship. About a week ago she heard about the breakup (through word of mouth I guess) and reached out to him. He again told her that Im still the love of his life and were working on things, its not over(his words). So now she's pissed! Didnt know a gay guy could cause so much straight drama! My thing is, if this is all about appearances and denial, etc; as one former closeted gay husband in another forum said to me, I still don't get it. He has a history with her. Let her be the beard. She'd easily accept it. But he still wants to be with me...for some reason...so I guess thats why its not as easy for me to walk away from this one ...but as the time passes and I process it'll get easier..

Last edited by CaliShocked87 (October 17, 2018 7:37 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

October 17, 2018 7:09 pm  #10


Re: Is he wanting a monogamous MOM or just confused?

Elle,
Thanks for the honesty! Yeah I posted in a few of the forums here and the general consensus is "GET OUT!" I think we all start with a little hopeful spark in us hoping that we can be the 5-10% that make it work. Ive not read any positives on this site per say but have heard real life stories of friends and freinds of friends who have a spouse who is admittedly gay but for religious/moral reasons decided to pursue a hetero life course and remain in monogamous MOMs until death/ still ongoing now....the gay/bi spouse describes it as similar to abstaining from drugs/alcohol/bad habit you know will kill or hurt you. Not easy but, doable. It requires a large measure of self-lessness which I think this world lacks which is why there isnt really a high success rate. I think my ex thinks we could be of that small statistic. He doesnt believe in open relationships. He views marriage as sacred and says he could never bring himself to marry a man. But I dont know...I dont think either would be truly happy for long in the end, but theres that percentage! Although no marriage is perfect...its a toughy...

Last edited by CaliShocked87 (October 17, 2018 7:26 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum