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September 22, 2018 3:19 pm  #1

Co-parenting is a nightmare!

I’m new to all this as I’ve only been separated since July 8th.  My stbx moved out of our family home at my insisting.  He is currently in a 1 bedroom and none of the kids want to visit all that often, if at all.  He in turn doesn’t push or even suggest other things rather than sitting in the apartment watching movies or playing video games so he rarely sees the kids.  He also contacts the kids to ask them about visiting before ever contacting me if he does at all.  How do you co-parent with someone who doesn’t contact you before contacting the kids to ask them to come over?  I’m caught in the middle of he still owns the house and we share 4 kids so I’m trying to be amicable to I don’t care if he sees the kids since he’s now transgender or whatever and wants to tell our kids.  I’m scared to leave them all alone with him as he may tell them when I’m not around.  I’m also tired because I’m essentially a single parent since the kids are with me almost 24/7. Part of me wishes he would suffer as he seems fine every time I see him.  He’s doing whatever he wants all the time (he does work and pays the bills so at least that’s good).

He’s the one that started this CRAP yet I’m the one doing all the cleanup from the mess he left and continues to leave.  I can’t even imagine trying to go to work or back to school in this mess right now.  I have 2 kids in therapy that I’m constantly driving back and forth and then one of those 2 is also in online public school that I have to be here for.  Then I have my own therapy and kids school activities, homework and having to fix meals.  I should also be preparing our house to sell but there’s too much else going on.  In one week we had another AC motor die, our bird killed in a freak accident and a pipe leak in the living room ceiling.  I’m exhausted!  How do you co-parent with someone you want to punch square in the face every time you see him because he’s the cause of my anxiety and depression?  What rules should I have in place?  What has worked out for you?


September 22, 2018 6:40 pm  #2

Re: Co-parenting is a nightmare!

Boy, do I get that "wish he would suffer"!  I feel the same.  I moved out, have had to do all the sorting, packing, and moving, plus initiate the divorce. He didn't do the ONE thing I asked him to, and I had to end up doing it myself.  Meanwhile, he's made sure to get everything for himself up and running, including window coverings so he can parade around in his women's clothes with no fear of being seen (he's in the closet and paranoid about being found out).  
  And yes, that they cause the problem, but we are left to deal with them and with the mess they made, and to take all the blame, with no understanding by others, is a shit sandwich of Dagwood proportions.  (Do people still understand what a "Dagwood sandwich" is?)  I'm so sorry you're in the middle of this.  What you're dealing with is way beyond what anyone can understand.  You're a wonder for still standing on both feet!

I'm thinking that you need a separation agreement, drafted by a lawyer (he can effing pay!), that spells out visiting times. He shouldn't get away with handling visits the way he does, and you need a legal agreement in place that you can refer to when he pulls stunts like this.  You also want a negotiated agreement in place about how the children are told.   You don't want to leave it to his "feelies."  You are going to have to exert yourself here and realize you have rights and set some boundaries.  He may have or control the income, but you have legal rights and are entitled to invoke them.
   I'll tell you one thing I've read over at Chump Lady, where there is lots of conversation about custody issues--and I'd recommend you go, sign up for the forum, and ask!  Those people are WONDERFUL! They helped me figure out whether I wanted to buy my stbx out of the house or make him eat it.---and that is DOCUMENT.  Document the amount of time you have custody and that he does.  Keep copies of his texts to the kids, and write down all the interactions he has, and all the times he brings them back early, etc.  The amount of time you have the kids now can work to your advantage in granting custody, and you want them around him as little as possible.  He'll have to pay support based on the custody split, and if you can prove he doesn't take them now, you'll be in a better position when you ask for custody. He's clearly not a 50/50 parent. FIGHT FOR YOUR KIDS if you can't fight for yourself!
  And, check out "Our Family Wizard" or other scheduling software for keeping track of time spent or for communicating.  I can't remember where I learned "BIFF," or "Brief, Informative, Firm, and Friendly," which is how you want to communicate with him.  
 Hope this helps.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (September 22, 2018 8:52 pm)


September 23, 2018 10:08 am  #3

Re: Co-parenting is a nightmare!

Additional thought:   Have you asked your therapist about "best practice" for your stbx "telling" the kids about his new transgender status?  Either your therapist or your kids' therapist(s) should be able to back you up on this, as it's important that your kids' needs come first.  And if your stbx does spill the beans, that's another thing to document, that he did seek counsel on how to do so so that it would cause the least disruption possible to your children--which will be another arrow in your quiver in getting custody.


September 23, 2018 10:53 pm  #4

Re: Co-parenting is a nightmare!

KitKat, I am so sorry you are going through all of this, but I know quite a bit of what you are going through. Our stories are VERY similar -- only I'm a few years down the road and in the divorce process. Unfortunately, because of that, I can't speak as l would like.

What I will tell you is this..... I know you have your hands full, but please speak to an attorney and find out what rights you have in your state. If you feel certain your marriage is over, find out the pros and cons for remaining married for a time and those of divorcing now. Transitioning can be expensive and if marital funds are used, depending on the laws in your state, you may have no way to get that money back.

Just document everything and protect yourself.


September 26, 2018 12:52 pm  #5

Re: Co-parenting is a nightmare!

Thank you both.  It just seems as if life is going to become more of a nightmare before it gets better.  My stbx called me last night to discuss money, the house, and the kids which is causing me anxiety today.  He called because we’re approaching the 3 month mark of separation which is what I originally asked for.  When talking he didn’t answer the question when I asked about whether he was on hormones.  He stated it wasn’t relevant.  He wants us to stay together, but everything he was talking about was himself and what he wanted.  I asked what he sees his future looking like.  He said he sees himself going back to college (already started) to help people (by being a transgendered sex therapist).  My dreams of the future involved him and my kids and eventually grandkids.  Everything from him is about HIMSELF!  Everything has been about him since he started sex therapy for himself over a year ago.  He was addicted to masturbating and porn.  He says he doesn’t want gender dysphoria any more than I want him to have it.  Problem is we’re both Christians and I believe we need to fight against certain temptations, guess he doesn’t anymore.  His Dad is also a pastor and has accepted him and all this CRAP.

I spoke with a lawyer for an initial consultation that was $500.  I basically found out I’m entitled to 9 years of alimony but if he’s not working in a couple years (his plan) then I have nothing I can do but sue him which isn’t going to produce anything.  My kids also have no rights as they have to see him even if they don’t want to  and I have to do everything in my power to get them to their dad during visitations.  I’m so scared for them!  I’m so tired of feeling anxious after I see or speak to him.  I’ve always dealt with depression and anxiety that has increased since all the CD started in February.   I just wish the house could magically be fixed and sold so I didn’t have to be anxious about it on top of everything else.  Life sucks right now!

     Thread Starter

September 26, 2018 3:31 pm  #6

Re: Co-parenting is a nightmare!

Please don't feel pressured by his entitled expectation that you must adjust to the conditions he has introduced into your marriage.  He voided the marriage contract when he decided he no longer wanted to be a man, husband, and father and to become a transperson.  Hormones are in fact relevant, as they affect his mood, alter his personality, his body, and your sex life.  
   Life may indeed become more of a nightmare before it gets better, and it's never going to return to what it was.  If you stay with him, you correctly perceive that you will be living with someone who is self-involved and self-interested, and will see your role, and your children's role, as one of validating him in his new identity and placing yourselves second to his transformation.  And it's a fair certainty that he won't see that his changes should require him to release you, by doing the right thing and divorcing you with a fair settlement that will allow you to raise your--and his--children.  You'll have to be the one to force the issue of a divorce.  Certainly you can see that cohabiting with him again will only raise your stress and anxiety.  (I remember when I went to the therapist the first time; she gave me a questionnaire to measure my stress/anxiety, and I scored at the very top of the chart.)


September 29, 2018 8:08 am  #7

Re: Co-parenting is a nightmare!

I'm speechless ... I really can't add much as our situations are different in too many ways. What I can tell you, at least in Massachusetts, that when you file for divorce your funds automatically go under a restraining order. So no large purchases can be made without consent of both parties. If he is spending lots of money on transgendering ... this should freeze those funds until things are settled between you so its not coming out of your "half" persay.


September 29, 2018 8:38 am  #8

Re: Co-parenting is a nightmare!


Im rather speechless also but would like to off some feeble comments..    If you retain a lawyer and file for divorce, all the accounts and assets need to be listed.. including joint accounts.    They are normally split.   I would say based on your story if you have any joint accounts to go and take half for yourself right now..any lawyer worth his salt would say that is is fine.     I would say once filed your husband cannot hide money..he can spend it away but all accounts have to be declared.    He will be required to work and pay alimony may have to work to somehow to make ends meet but he , at least in my state, is not free and clear to abandon you and the kids.  Laws in my state favor the mother in regards to the kids.   Those kids need you so try to maintain courage and consistency in front of them even if you have to fake it. 

I'm not certain what his coming back to live with you buys you but if you need to do that temporarily for financial reasons and have the strength than do what you need to do ...this is is reality and not some fictional TV show  (though it will always feel like that).

   It sounds like you and the kids will end up having very little contact with him as time goes on anyway..   all you really need him for is to watch the kids for bit..if he is even capable of that.  We need to try to find some use for these gay spouses.

I truly believe these days,, I hope and pray, that God is looking down on us and sees the the difference between wrong and right.     In this life our kids will never know how much these spouses screwed them...I get they hurt us... but I always though rule 1 was don't hurt the kids.. in their minds they think are not hurting the kids  but I truly believe that deep down they know they are and just don't care.  And that is someone to get far away from.    

Last edited by Rob (September 29, 2018 8:38 am)

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

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