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September 18, 2018 11:08 pm  #1

Hi. My spouse is gay and into transexuals. We have kids.

My spouse and I have been together for along time. He has come out as gay.
His mainly into transexuals porn. This really upsets me because the images look like females .
He says his gay but then is liking all these images and blogs on transexuals.
If he wanted a woman I’m here. Yet I’m not enough. No one knows my real life.
They see us and think we are a prefect couple. We enjoy so much of our time together but then there is his massive grey cloud over me. Sometimes I even forget his gay and start falling for him and then I have to remind myself his said his gay and he likes transexuals and feminine men.

I watched a clip on you tube from scientists that said from all the research men look up boobs, butts, asses and penises. Men look up more penisis then women do. When they have got a bunch of men in a room and showed photos of penisis their brain lite up. How many men in this world are actually gay.
I feel the numbers of gay men are just crazy.  Then not only that men get more turned on fromsperm competition what explains why men like women who sleep around. So they like the idea of their wife cheating. My husband said this in the past.

It just upsets me there is no “normal”.. by the sounds there is a massive number of men who are gay.
I want someone who loves me and is content.. that doesn’t need all these dirty fantasies or for me to have a penis. It upsets me my husband and best friend isn’t that person who sees me as complete.
I want to be loved in the way I have love him I’ve rthe years. I’ve spent so much of my life with him and we have kids so you know I just feel like my life is a mess that I don’t want to and can’t escape from and yet I don’t want to leave but each day I’m waiting for him to cheat or leave me for someone he is happy with.
Also we don’t have sex anymore so It’s now a odd relationship. We do cuddle but that’s about it.


September 18, 2018 11:10 pm  #2

Re: Hi. My spouse is gay and into transexuals. We have kids.

I enjoy every part of our relationship apart from him being gay and his sexual fantasies..
The rest I really enjoy because we enjoy time together doing things.. but it’s also like a stab in the heart because it draws me closer to loving him and then a gay moment comes up and I have to remind myself all over again.

     Thread Starter

September 19, 2018 9:38 am  #3

Re: Hi. My spouse is gay and into transexuals. We have kids.

Welcome Life,

I saw your post last night and didn’t say anything because it left me with more questions then possible answers.

Like how long ago did he actually come out to you vs how long have you been in a sexless marriage.  Reading your story, reminds me of how I felt very early in my journey (my XH never came out about anything). 

Along the lines of when did he come out to you.  Especially if it’s fairly recent, why did he come out to you?    You say you enjoy every part of him except for his fantasies, but you don’t enjoy the wondering, if/ when he will cheat.  What did he tell you, he wanted (not something I usually care about too much).  But honestly if it’s recent, It may help you in your journey.

Welcome to the board. Im sorry you find yourself here.  Im sure others will be along, with better advice then me.  I can say this, you’re probably never going to have what you want and no you’re never going to be enough for him.


September 19, 2018 11:03 am  #4

Re: Hi. My spouse is gay and into transexuals. We have kids.

I wonder.... 

Is it possible the reason he looks at trans porn is because he won't admit that to himself he's gay? 
A lot of our former spouses "tried" very hard to be straight.  They don't want the world to see them as gay.  So they try to convince themselves they are straight.   What if he really does like male body parts, but thinks that if the person looks female then he isn't truly gay?

Either way..  I'm sorry Lifeinashell. 
I'm sorry you are going through this awful experience.   I'm glad you found us and signed up and shared your questions and story.  We will all be here for you to help you get through this.  Please feel free to post more and share your story and more questions.  Check out some of the amazing posts and stories that others have shared.  

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


September 20, 2018 2:00 am  #5

Re: Hi. My spouse is gay and into transexuals. We have kids.

He came out awhile ago.
Everything seems normal and then I will see him
Naked and realise everything is shaved and I know it’s normal for some guys but this wasn’t ever a thing before he come out to me. Today he mentioned about a man his talking to and I just feel like vomiting.

Each day rolls into the next here. We will watch movies and tv shows and snuggle on the couch and I forget that his gay. Then it snaps me in the face again. He shares our moments with the man his talking to like our favourite tv show and next it’s that guys favourite show and it just pisses me off. I seen on the guys fb profile his favourite show is now a random show we watch together and I’m positive my spouse has told him about it.

I almost feel I’m more in denial somedays and it hurts. I feel I get so far with coping with all this and then I’m dragged back to square one. I have myself to blame.
I put myself through this still and I want our life to be normal and watch grandkids grow and run around the house together. I want all these years I’ve put in to work out to be something together and in reality none of that will ever be anything.  I have my children and they are the best part to take out of all of this but the person I thought I was meant to spend my life with and bury each other just isn’t that. It hurts me and as much as I know I haven’t failed I feel like that. I wish this man I put my life into loved me the way I love him but it just isn’t like that. I pretty much try to forget about it so I don’t have to deal with the pain. It’s like my brain switches off just to feel normal for a short ammout of time. I can’t decribe the empty feeling of how alone I feel in all of this somedays like no one could understand any of this.
Most people on chump lady or other forums are like just leave or his gay that’s heaps easier to leave or his just not into woman you should be happy it’s not a woman.
It’s just not that easy for me and him saying his gay is just as hard. Knowing his not sexually attracted to me doesn’t help my my feelings. It really confuses me so much more somedays that I never seen red flags when we were together for many of years.

     Thread Starter

September 20, 2018 2:40 am  #6

Re: Hi. My spouse is gay and into transexuals. We have kids.

Phoenix I’m not sure if it’s him still trying to use that to feel less gay. Possibly. It seemed to go from guy on guy pron to transexuals.

     Thread Starter

September 20, 2018 5:42 am  #7

Re: Hi. My spouse is gay and into transexuals. We have kids.

Dear Life,
    I'm so sorry you're hurting.  I'm sorry you are being gutted by the cruel and selfish actions of a man you thought you knew and that you gave your own love and care to, assuming that he loved and cared for you in the same way.  
    Grief and loss and letting go are so painful and hard.  I've often thought that we akin to bereaved spouses whose partners have died; we have to mourn the loss of the person we thought we knew as well as the loss of the longed for future, just as a widower or widow does, but we also have to carry the awful pain of our partner's rejection of us on the deep and fundamental level of our sexuality, all while reeling first from the shock and then from the cruelty dealt out to us.  And it doesn't help when others minimize what we're going through--even when they're trying to buck us up or make us feel better. 
   I remember, in the first month or so after I began living on my own, walking from room to room in a new apartment that I thought would never feel like home, crying over the very things that you describe feeling.  On Easter Sunday, the first holiday that I spent alone, in fact, at one point I stood propped up against the wall, letting it hold me up because otherwise I wouldn't have been able to stand, with my forehead touching the wall, sobbing from the pain and the loss and the grief.  There were other such moments, too. 
   I knew from other losses in my life that grief and healing are not linear, not some steady march forward, although it sure would be nice if it were.  But as Phoenix wrote about his own process of grieving, he could compare where he was one month to where he was in the month before, and he could see the overall he was climbing out of it. (Phoenix, I hope I didn't misrepresent what you said.) 
   There's no getting around this.  It hurts.  Your life is changed, through no fault of your own and through no actions you've taken.  Your present is full of doubt and pain and hurt; your planned future is erased, and your past gets rewritten for you.  The spouse you thought loved you rejects you at a fundamentally deep level and often seems to take pleasure in rubbing your nose in the abandonment.  
  But you will get through it, if only because you have to.  


September 20, 2018 9:21 am  #8

Re: Hi. My spouse is gay and into transexuals. We have kids.

Dear Life,

I’m happy to see you came back.  I still use the line “Denial is more then a river in Egypt” when describing my experience to some people.  I can really joke about it, which is amazing.  I understand everything you’re saying about what your thoughts and dreams were about your future.  But that’s what they are - dreams.

Beating yourself up for not seeing the red flags, does no good, you can’t change what happened 5 minutes ago.  You didn’t see the flags because he didn’t want you too.  I can go back to being newly married for a year and XH was in trouble at work.  He was crying, threatening suicide, telling me he was no good for me and that I would be better off without him.  I was a loving dedicated wife who stood by his side and helped him through it.  I was the one who said, we can work through anything, HA

NOW IF HE HAD JUST ADDED:  Because I’m gay, I don’t want to be gay, but I am.  I hate myself and do drugs, because I hate this phony person Im trying to be.  I can’t be gay because, I’m Catholic, my family and society won’t understand.  I’m 35 years old and have already been hiding for so long.  I already married another woman and had three kids, spent 14 years trying to make her happy.  I didn’t succeed, no she’s not crazy, I’m the one with the problem.  I’ll make you crazy too, because you’re going to waste the next 23 years of your life loving me, caring for me, taking care of me.  Investing EVERYTHING you have and who you are into ME and making a good life for us. 

AND during these next 23 years I will become sicker.  I will become a narcissistic sociopath, because it’s all about ME.  I will do more and more , and get away with it.  Because you love me so much you won’t see it.  I’ll get so good at lying that even if you catch me, no matter what you catch me doing, I’ll lie my ass off.  I’ll make you question your own sanity.  If that doesn’t work, I’ll buy you a diamond ring, tell you I’ll never ever do that again.  You will look at our nice house and wonderful life and bury it.  Because were the perfect couple see!  Come on, you know we are, the rest of the world thinks we are, so you will bury it in your mind.  Until in the very end.  You won’t be able to take anymore.

Wow that felt kind of good to write, lol (and yes I CAN laugh, if you’re not laughing you’re crying and I would rather laugh ).  But to get back on track, I would like to think that if he had just said, because I’m gay, I would have ran for the hills. 

So honey please stay on here.  Like I said, please keep jogging those memory banks of yours.  Have you posted on the MOM,s section?  That’s for people trying to stay in their marriages, I’m not allowed to go on there, for good reason.  Because I’m the one who’s going to beg you to start thinking about YOU, telling you to start asking yourself what you want and need to be happy?  I’m the one who’s going to ask you guestions to try and help you get out of your denial. You already answered a few.  So he has a male “friend” that you’re jeoulous over and looking at his FB.  Like I asked earlier, what is it you husband is saying he wants?   What is it that he’s doing? (That you know of). 

Hang in there, my heart breaks for you.  I understand what you are saying, I lost everything, I ever worked for in my life.  But I have a new life, a better, happier one.  I love to tell people that I was the queen of denial.  But in reality, I’m no different then any straight spouse in here, we all lived it, in one form or another

Last edited by 4everdamaged (September 20, 2018 9:48 am)


September 20, 2018 7:05 pm  #9

Re: Hi. My spouse is gay and into transexuals. We have kids.

Thank you all, LifeinaShell, and OoHC and 4ever. Your honesty helps me. I still feel all those feelings you feel, Life. I KNOW I can't trust him, I KNOW that life is gone, and I KNOW it won't ever return, but moving on is still so hard. O and 4, thanks for understanding, and for repeated reassurances that life will be better again. I'm trying to deal with those 2 opposing ideas, wishing life were different, and knowing it's not and that I have to act. In some ways, being in limbo feels way better than doing what I know needs to be done, even though I know the only way to get to a better future is to do it. 


September 20, 2018 7:08 pm  #10

Re: Hi. My spouse is gay and into transexuals. We have kids.

I've never been so paralyzed in my life. I've always been able to do the hard thing,  the right thing. I don't understand why I'm so stuck. Do I just have to wait until I can act? Is there something I can do to shake this paralysis?


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