My ex wasn't like that either.  She was driven, and we both have had successful careers. I have to give her credit, she pulled her own weight financially. We weren't competitors, we were in different fields, but she did quite well at her job and was upwardly mobile. But we never got into any arguments or issues over who made how much money and who contributed more or not as much.

For those whose spouses are ne'er-do-wells, I don't see why it would be related to being gay necessarily. There are plenty of straight ne'er-do-wells; I could list a few of my relatives...  I don't see how it's narcissistic in any of my relatives I'm thinking of; if anything, it seems to me a self-defeating attitude of not being good enough, not worthy enough, a giving-up mentality. I wonder if it wouldn't have more to do with emotional neglect or even emotional abuse in their childhood.

One of them overcompensates in other ways - he's an antique car fanatic, buys them cheap, fixes them up, collects them, sells them. He's good at it, it seems to me he could make a living at it as a mechanic, or doing auto-restoration, but he doesn't want his "hobby" to become a "job."  I think he's missing the point, most people dream of how to make their hobby become their profession - to get paid for what they're passionate about. He doesn't see it that way, I don't get it.

Judy wrote:

There is a clear connection to having a non successful work life to hiding your Gay status... There may be exceptions but if you read this website it's clear there is a connection. 

And if you read this website, you're going to think every closeted gay person is a narcissistic psychopath whose only reason for existing in the world is to cause misery to unsuspecting straight persons. There may be exceptions, but it's clear there is a connection.

And I suspect if a gay person were to read this website (why did you capitalize the word "gay," btw?), he'd probably conclude that every Straight person who was ever married to a gay person is an embittered, homophobic angry person who can't or won't "get over it." There may be exceptions, but if you read this website, it's clear there is a connection. 

And if you read this website looking for employment red flags, you are going to draw conclusions based on a very skewed and unrepresentative set of data, and interpreting it through the lens of your experiences.

I understand the anger and frustration, I've been there, but let's get real. There are plenty of successful businessmen and women who were later found out to be gay and married... my ex-wife is one of them. If anything, I'd guess that being closeted is part of what drove her to succeed in other ways.

There are ten respondents to this thread. Three say this was not the case with their spouses, four say it was, and the remaining don't clearly state it one way or the other. 3/10 nay, to 4/10 aye, to 3/10 undefined, is hardly a "clear" connection.  It's undetermined and inconclusive at best; and probably random. Ten responses is hardly enough to draw a conclusion about anything.

Show me the independent study that comes to the conclusion that there is a connection between being closeted and having a poor employment history, which includes a broader set of data beyond what ten isolated members of SSN report. Until that happens, let's not make generalizations about an entire population based solely on our personal experiences.

People get fired or lose their jobs for all kinds of reasons. I've been fired twice in my life. When I was getting my MA, I remember one instructor who said the person who has never been fired from his job is likely to be the one who gets stuck in low or middle management forever, because he's too safe, and he never takes any risks. His point was that getting fired or losing your job isn't necessarily an indication of a person's character.
 

Last edited by BryonM (September 12, 2016 5:57 pm)

BryonM wrote:

My ex wasn't like that either.  She was driven, and we both have had successful careers. I have to give her credit, she pulled her own weight financially. We weren't competitors, we were in different fields, but she did quite well at her job and was upwardly mobile. But we never got into any arguments or issues over who made how much money and who contributed more or not as much.

For those whose spouses are ne'er-do-wells, I don't see why it would be related to being gay necessarily. There are plenty of straight ne'er-do-wells; I could list a few of my relatives...  I don't see how it's narcissistic in any of my relatives I'm thinking of; if anything, it seems to me a self-defeating attitude of not being good enough, not worthy enough, a giving-up mentality. I wonder if it wouldn't have more to do with emotional neglect or even emotional abuse in their childhood.

One of them overcompensates in other ways - he's an antique car fanatic, buys them cheap, fixes them up, collects them, sells them. He's good at it, it seems to me he could make a living at it as a mechanic, or doing auto-restoration, but he doesn't want his "hobby" to become a "job."  I think he's missing the point, most people dream of how to make their hobby become their profession - to get paid for what they're passionate about. He doesn't see it that way, I don't get it.

 
Bryon- My STBX is also very driven and successful in his career.  He has been employed for our entire 25 year marriage.