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September 4, 2018 10:35 pm  #1

Telling a new straight spouse

Hello all; I am struggling with my ex gay husband marrying a new woman with children and trying to take my own children down the rabbit hole with him into his new facade. Struggling desperately. Should I just let the situation unfold and hope that she will realize over time or intervene? I am torn on a daily basis and have been for quite some time. Years. There is much more to my story but I just would like to know if anyone has had any success with trying to impart the pain and devastation to a new victim of the closeted spouse.


September 5, 2018 6:26 am  #2

Re: Telling a new straight spouse

Hi Sadie, 

Thanks for signing up and asking the question.  It's a great question!   

I'm sure you will get some different opinions on this, but they will all be valid and well thought. 

My opinion is that you should try to tell the other woman.  
I think this way because I have become a straight spouse advocate, so I go out of my way to help straight spouses as part of my daily life.   If I had the opportunity to prevent someone from winding up here on this forum suffering as we do, I would absolutely take it.  I wish someone would have been able to warn me 20 years ago.  

Having said that, you should know that your efforts will almost surely not be well-received.  You just need to know that going into the situation.  When they say "Love is Blind", that is usually true.  When we are newly in love we tend to see only the best in our partners and we don't believe anything negative.  I've heard stories where Straight Spouse exes have tried to warn new targets only to be treated rudely.  They feel that the straight spouse is just bitter and angry and trying to be malicious and ruin their ex's lives.  On top of that, they will typically tell the ex, who will get very angry with you. 

"No good deed goes unpunished"
What I'm trying to tell you is that in this case, doing the right thing will not get you a hug and a thank you.  Your best intention will be met with anger; At least in the short term. 

But I think it should be done.
The other woman will eventually find out and your warning will eventually be greatly appreciated.  It will get her to start thinking about the situation and perhaps save her many years of hurt and pain later in life.  You might never get a thank you, but you will have done a good thing regardless. 

I think the way you phrase the warning is very important. 
Perhaps something short and simple:   "The reason XXXX and I are no longer married is because he is a closeted homosexual.  I caught him doing XXXX to prove my suspicions.  I tell you this because I don't want you to go through the pain that I have suffered.  I know you love him and you will probably defend him at this point in your life, but someday I hope you will appreciate the warning I am giving you. If you have any questions or concerns please feel free to contact me.  Best wishes..  "

Anyway Sadie.   Hope my thoughts help you.  I just wanted to warn you that our warnings are typically not well-met.  But that doesn't mean we shouldn't try to do the right thing.  Don't you wish someone would have warned you?

Please feel free to share more of your story any time you wish.  Even though you are now divorced and apart from him, I'm sure there is still pain and anger you deal with.  Sharing your story with our group can be excellent therapy and will hopefully make you feel better.   We are here for you. 

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


September 5, 2018 2:37 pm  #3

Re: Telling a new straight spouse

Sadiemagnolia wrote:

Hello all; I am struggling with my ex gay husband marrying a new woman with children and trying to take my own children down the rabbit hole with him into his new facade. .


If I were you I would be focusing on keeping my children safe before I attempted to warn his new wife. The very act of you not wanting to see your own children get "taken down a rabbit hole" and taking steps to prevent that from happening may be the very thing that gives the new wife a heads up. Telling her why you don't want your children around him, and the reasons your reality, and you can speak of it because you know it.

Good luck

** ...look pressure in the eye,  
walk towards it... **


September 5, 2018 7:53 pm  #4

Re: Telling a new straight spouse

Reading closer, I see there are two groups of kids at risk here, Sadie's and this other lady's. Maybe the best way to approach this is so she can protect her kids from the experience of yours, one Mom to another type of thing. I don't know how old your kids are but hopefully old enough to know the truth and that what their Dad is trying to do is not right.



September 5, 2018 10:05 pm  #5

Re: Telling a new straight spouse

Tell her. He destroyed your life so destroy his. You can do it in a tactful way. Even if she does't believe you she'll see it on her own eventually because he won't stop. And if he gives her AIDS then the blood want be on your hands if she dies. Even if she doesn't catch a disease, her mental health is at risk. By keeping quite we put others in danger. These men need to be exposed to anyone that they can harm.
There should be laws and disclosure statements that should be signed for accountability but there never will be. More and more laws and rights will continue for every freak out there. But the innocent straight victims will have to be patient and wait for the ultimate judge to step in. That may not be in my lifetime but in the meantime I will be sure, (and we are a growing number) that these liars are exposed for what they are, which are criminals with intent to harm.

Life is like phases of the moon.... We really only see it when it's beautiful, full and in our face. 

September 6, 2018 7:21 am  #6

Re: Telling a new straight spouse

I agree with Phoenix. I've only been part of this group for a couple of weeks. If I knew someone was walking into a bomb I would definitely have to let them know. 
I don't know how old your children are, but for myself (all 3 children over 19), letting them know was my first priority. Regardless of their age, there is a way to tell them why there father has left with gentle kindness and honesty. Should they find out on their own, it would be brutal and painful and likely lead to them being mad at you (not dad).
Do what is right for you and your heart.


September 8, 2018 2:11 pm  #7

Re: Telling a new straight spouse

Hi Sadie, you pose a really important question.  

Your question makes me think of an incident a very long time ago (not involving a gay guy but still relevant).  Back in my "young and wild" days, I dated a guy who'd had a very messy breakup with his ex-GF. She eventually contacted me in confidence, and when we met in person she advised me that he had a serious drug problem.  She was right.  In fact, by the time she and I met -- I'd been struggling to make sense of nonsensical situations, and I knew immediately that she was telling me the truth.

So I look at your situation, and you are within your rights to approach your husband's new wife, and don't be so sure she'll be angry with you.  You're giving her honest information, you have no agenda, you wish her well and you wish your ex-husband well, and she's welcome to do as she likes with the information but you do not want to be privy to a deception.


September 12, 2018 12:32 am  #8

Re: Telling a new straight spouse

Hi Sadie
I agree with Phoenix as well. The new woman is about to bring her two children into years of pain and frustration. The very thing she believes in is a facade, a fantasy. The sooner she can put the pieces together the better. She will not believe you. Your Ex will convince her you are crazy, but it wont matter, the seed will be planted. I dont know how old your kids are but if they are teens, dont worry too much, they will already have an idea that this marriage is not going to work.  If they are younger, do everything you can to keep them home. They dont need more abandonment.

Gosh, what a mess we all have been dragged into. The selfishness of our spouses is so unfair. I survived cancer twice, why I feel like I cant make it through this.  I'd take a broken body over a broken heart any day.


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