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September 1, 2018 8:32 am  #1

I feel so confused and lost!

Life feels so out of control lately.  I know in my heart my marriage is officially over, but I still try to hold on to any little bit of hope.  I can’t believe how much he’s changed in the last 7 months since the cross dressing confession came out.  Now he’s gender dysphoric and is hanging out with another individual who’s transitioning.  I only know about this because I’m not stupid and still have access to our shared cell phone bill.  He’s now hiding his finances with his own separate credit card so I’m sure he’s buying new clothes and maybe even hormones.  I feel so betrayed and hurt.  Essentially I was thrown away for clothes!  I feel like I meant nothing to him!  How did I not see this in our 21 years together?

I became a dependent person over the years which is making it hard to be alone.  I don’t want to sell my house mainly because I don’t have the strength or energy to prepare and maintain it for sale.  I’m so depressed and am already on a high dose antidepressant along with an added anxiety med.  I wake up to panic attacks constantly not understanding how this is my life!  I miss my stable life but also know it’s probably gone forever!  He still wants to tell the kids which I’m not ready for, but not sure I ever will be!  My 13 year old is now homeschooled because her anxiety was so bad she wouldn’t go to school.  I’m also supposed to get a job at some point according to my husband. 

I am planning on calling a lawyer on Tuesday and scheduling an appointment to discuss my options.  I’m wondering if my kids don’t want to be a part of his twisted world what can be done to keep them from him.  I’m scared my younger 2 will be forced to see him (ages 9 and 13).  I think my 14 year old can decide and the 17 year old obviously can.  Of course I also worry that the 17 year old is going to give me grief since she’s a gay atheist who is supportive of trans rights.  She may end up living with her dad if she’s ugly with me and her siblings about it.  I wonder if half his income is fair.  He’s retiring in 3 years then I just have half his pension ($24,000) a year.  It doesn’t seem fair considering how much I put into his career through the years.  17 years of staying home, 2 deployments, homeschooling when needed, raising our 4 kids and moving at the drop of a hat when he changed positions within the military.

I’m just utterly lost at how fast all this has turned and how angry and mean he has become.  He doesn’t have a caring bone left in him.  He came over for our daughters birthday for 2 hours and raised his voice several times to our son who was being rambunctious (he’s almost 10).  So not the man I thought I knew.  We took a family vacation in January where we had a blast and I was letting go of the hurt from last years porn addiction confession.  Now I’m living alone with our kids in our house that needs to be sold wondering what the heck happened!


September 1, 2018 12:06 pm  #2

Re: I feel so confused and lost!

Dear KitKat,

I want to tell you that all your feelings are normal and validated.  I am rather new myself to this forum.  I have found it to be so helpful with encouragement and even advice on legal issues.

Your statement about not knowing him anymore seems to be the same for all of us.  My soon to be ex is a completely different person than he used to be.  When I mentioned this to him he said he is the same as he has always been.  But this is not so.  Everyone in my family has noticed how much his personality has changed over the last few years.  He has become self-absorbed.  He changes his FB profile picture frequently.  He used to be modest and humble and kind. 

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this.  The military life is hard enough and yes you have been his rock and anchor throughout the years.  There is no excuse for what he is doing, same as mine.  I am certainly no saint of a wife and I made my share of mistakes, but even so it doesn’t excuse him not being h honest from the beginning and deceitful. 

I know you are scared of the future.  I am too.  Most are in these situations.  You share your life with someone and lean on them.  I was very dependent upon my husband and needed a lot of support because of health and emotional issues.  He got tired of that.  He has always known he has struggled with SSA. 

We are using a mediator but I went to a lawyer anyway for help.  It will cost you some but I would recommend it. 

Can he give you support at least until you get a job and get secure? 

I have this spend the weekend negotiating with my husband, so it is going to be stressful. 

We are here for you.

Hugs to you.


September 1, 2018 6:51 pm  #3

Re: I feel so confused and lost!

That last little bit of hope is very very hard to kill.  I remember that jkpeace said that for a long time she was 95% sure she wanted a divorce, but that 5% was very hard to surmount.  I was married for 32 years when my stbx suddenly without warning or preparation one day declared to me that he'd decided he was transgender.  This was just under three and a half years ago. Dysphoria, especially a dissatisfaction with his male body, is as I understand the psychological literature a sign that he's progressed quite far down the line, and if he's hanging out with someone who is taking female hormones, then it's quite likely he's considering doing the same.  These types feed on each other, and in their "pink fog" high they're like drug addicts who are feeling the euphoria just after a fix.
  Please please please see a lawyer who can help you protect yourself financially.  If he's hiding money, he's likely siphoning it off.  This is not the action of a caring and concerned father, and you need to step in and protect your children's well being. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (September 1, 2018 6:52 pm)


September 2, 2018 12:06 am  #4

Re: I feel so confused and lost!

OOHC  I love that you remember me!  Actually, I always said that I was 99% certain that divorce was the best choice.  That last 1% took months to get past.

Every single person here wants to save their marriage, at first.  I certainly did.  Every single one of us thinks that we are the ones that will make it.   Then, we all realize that a marriage based on a lie is not a marriage at all.

We can go round and round in circles:  He lied on purpose.  He lied to himself, until he believed himself.  He thought he could be a good husband.  No matter the intention, the marriage was still a lie.  That last 1% is such painful resolve.

Last edited by jkpeace (September 2, 2018 12:07 am)


September 2, 2018 4:59 am  #5

Re: I feel so confused and lost!

 Sorry I got your percentages wrong, and thank you for signing in to say again what so impressed me when I was still circling around that 1% (maybe in my case it felt like a little more than
  Hope you and your children are doing well, and good luck on this new school year!


September 2, 2018 6:50 am  #6

Re: I feel so confused and lost!

Thank you everyone.  It’s just such a lonely place to be in.  He is just so weird and unpredictable.  He moved out almost 2 months ago at my urging.  We were already living apart in the same house for 2 months before that.  Currently he’s got a 1 bedroom while I live in the house with the kids.  He doesn’t even try to spend much time with the kids right now.  If I had been the one to move out I would make every effort to see my kids that I could.  I would be negotiating every minute to be able to see them.  He wants to see them but also has the take it or leave it attitude.  I’m sure it’s because he wants to do whatever he wants to do and not hide, he’s said this as to why he wants to tell the kids.  I actually pray my kids want no part in his crap.

When doing marriage therapy (quit going since) he talked of how he stopped CD in March for 3 weeks shortly after disclosure of the CD issue that he wanted to kill himself during that time of not dressing.  I stated that it’s sad that you wanted to kill yourself over not dressing but don’t feel like that over losing your family.  He stated he hasn’t lost his family.  Guess I was never family to him!  We’ve been married for 19 years and I feel like I meant nothing to him.  That’s a hard pill to swallow when you’ve put that person ahead of yourself for more than half your life.  I’m hoping that talking to a lawyer I will have a sense of power come back to me.  I’ve just been scared to use the joint account to pay for the initial consultation with a lawyer, but I don’t care anymore.  I need advice and clarity so I can hopefully walk with a bit less fear.

     Thread Starter

September 2, 2018 8:45 am  #7

Re: I feel so confused and lost!


Kudos for you for contacting a lawyer.

Your anxiety and feeling of being discarded is real..full of hurt.
But we are worth so much more..more than these spouses can fathom.

Your spouse is delusional.  Talk to your lawyer but I doubt he will, now, be able to retire in 3 years.  Sucks for him but its not your doing..

Walk forward know you are morally right and worth so much more.

Last edited by Rob (September 2, 2018 8:45 am)

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

September 2, 2018 2:19 pm  #8

Re: I feel so confused and lost!

    I've also felt they way you do: that I was discarded because to my stbx wearing women's clothes and masturbating while wearing women's lingerie was more important than our 35 year marriage and his own financial comfort and stability in retirement.  (Leave aside the joy of being grandparents together, or having someone to take care of him now and in the inevitable decline of old age.) 
   It's a deep pain and a rejection that is unlike being discarded for another person, which painful as that is, is at least something we all more easily understand.  I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now.  But it might help to think about who has put you in this pain: your spouse and the choices he's making, including about the way he's treating you and your children.  I've found that it helped combat my pain and grief to see my spouse clearly for who he revealed himself to be: not a person I would want to continue living with.  Falling out of love with someone I'd loved for over 40 years was hard, but he sure helped me along by his actions, words, attitude, and choices.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (September 2, 2018 2:21 pm)


September 19, 2018 12:09 am  #9

Re: I feel so confused and lost!

Ladies I don’t understand it. I have always put my family first and done so many shitty jobs just to pay school fees or to make their day better. I haven’t got all the beautiful clothes I want or the nice new car I’d love to be cruising around in. I just settle with what I have.
I also don’t understand men’s brains when it comes to masturbating. Pleasuring myself is something I don’t do.. I just don’t get what kick they get out of masturbating over something of over themselves.
I feel it’s dirty.  Out of his closest - that isn’t the first time I’ve seen or heard about it either. So many guys seem to be transitioning or are gay. It’s scary to be honest. Because I don’t ever what to go through this again but it seems like big odds these days. It seemed so rare once.


September 19, 2018 7:43 am  #10

Re: I feel so confused and lost!

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Last edited by Estella Oculus (February 15, 2019 2:06 pm)


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