I don't think so, no.  Although I think it's possible to fool themselves into thinking they're not. They tell themelves they're not gay compared to the thing in their mind that constitutes gay.

Part of the problem is that there is no clear definition of the word gay.  Is it when you start having regular sexual attraction and thoights about members of the same sex? Is it when you start using those thoughts during sexual excitement (whether alone or with a partner)? Is it when you start viewing porn? Is it only if you've done actual, physical (sexual) things with others of the same sex? Is it only if penetration happens? Is it only if you regularly do so? Is it only if you seek a full relationsip along with the sex? Is it only when you're ready to embrace the thought of being gay,and identifying as such? Who knows! But I do know no one wants to be gay, so no matter what they're doing, they just keep moving the line for the definition of the word further so they don't have to cross it.  That's apparently all there is - do whatever but say you don't identify as such, and you're not gay.

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it a DUCK. The duck doesn't need to quack his admittance of being a duck for it to be true. Even if they didn't fully *know* they were gay, they certainly knew about their urges and any accompanying actions. It doesn't hit you like a lightening bolt one day.

Kel

I was married 22 years to a still closeted man who is in his second marriage to a woman.  I am still recovering 4 years post divorce 5 years post separation.  He didn't play the field and started dating his beard during the divorce.  I get frozen in time and spend hours on end researching on google.  One night in the last year, I tripped over Queerty (spelling) that did a study recently through questionnaires asking when people know they are attracted to the same sex, typically  8-10 years, and when they let the world know, typically 18-20 years.  This stat is better than 10 years ago when closets waited on average another decade to come out.  Hopefully in the future there will be no time lag. I thought and questioned him about his being gay the last year of my marriage, but he never answered. (an answer in itself!) Of one of the many therapists, I saw during the divorce, a new age light and music healer, came the closest to what I now realize is the TRUTH.  All this before I really absorbed the fact my gex is gay. In my visuals in therapy I was told to picture him.  All I would ever see in therapy was he as a young boy, possibly 8 years old.  I am occasionally haunted by that little boy who became nothing but a self loathing vampire of an adult.

Yes, it is possible for a person to be gay and not know it.

However, it's very uncommon and even the latest of bloomers realize they're attracted to the same sex by their early 20s.

The causes of disconnect I've heard about include: growing up in an extremely sheltered and/or religious atmosphere, being totally preoccupied with other things in life, and most commonly, not realizing that the "admiration" they have for the same sex is sexual, not platonic.  Basically, the attraction is there from puberty or before, but the sexual connection isn't made until very late teens or early 20s.

What's FAR more common, like 1000 to 1, or even 10,000 to 1, are people who hide so deeply in the closet that they appear clueless.  Deep down they know the desire is there but they do everything they can to bury and avoid dealing with it.  Because they've been doing this since puberty, in time they become very skilled at playing dumb, even to the point where they might be able to fool a lie-detector.

For a straight spouse, the only genuinely effective ways to deal with these people are to 1)  not trust the closeted person's words, instead watch their actions, and, 2) TRUST YOUR OWN GUT INSTINCTS.  Our brains pick up all kinds of information that we don't consciously process.  When you have a gut feeling about something, you're not crazy, that's the truth trying to break free.

My ex's theory, if he didn't act on it than he isn't gay.  ACT is a choice; ATTRACTION is NOT.  Just because you haven't acted on it, doesn't make you straight.