I have read many times on this board that we need to begin to treat our spouses not as our spouses but as our ex-spouses, and I think this is a perfect example. Once your divorce is final, you won't gage your actions on how your (ex) husband is going to react, and you should not do so now. This is a one shot deal. There are no do-overs when it comes to divorce. Remember too, most of us don't go through more than 1 (maybe 2) of these things in our lifetime, so we are definitely not experts. And that makes an attorney's guidance and expertise absolutely invaluable. As time goes on, your ex will play a smaller and smaller role in your life, so don't worry about his reaction. Protect yourself.

Stay Strong

Last edited by StrongerThanIKnew (August 19, 2018 4:39 pm)

Dog lover wrote:

I told my husband I was planning to meet with an attorney for my own advice. He became so upset and felt like I was going behind his back and not being honest. He also felt like using a mediator was enough and if I was planning to use a lawyer, than that means I’m going to fight. I ended up canceling. 

...

The mediator we are using was recommended by my attorney and she practiced law for decades. But, she cannot advice us individually. How do I handle telling my husband? I don’t want him to get hostile and angry and back out of his promises, and I’m afraid if I go to a lawyer, just to even check the paperwork, he will get very very angry! How did i tel him?

You posted at the top of this thread that your husband makes three times what you make, and that you feel you need spousal support.  You also posted that he has only offered to pay off the debt and won't do more.  So right off the bat, there's a reason you don't want to forfeit your right to have a lawyer involved.  Your husband might be telling the truth, but he also might be trying to get you to accept considerably less than you're entitled by law.

JenS is correct, you don't need your husband's permission to consult a lawyer, and in all honesty I totally get why you don't want to make your husband angry -- believe me, I'm in the same boat -- but it almost sounds like you're asking for your husband's approval, too.  

My husband has never committed any kind of abuse (in terms of domestic violence) but he knows my vulnerabilities and he can get pretty cruel if he gets angry enough.  We're still living together in this house, and it makes me really uncomfortable knowing that I have nobody between me and him, for the time being.  So I really do pull my punches, in terms of not aggravating the situation.  I actually do want to go to mediation, but I first want my lawyer to be in charge of getting all the financial information and then advising me on what a reasonable deal would be for me.  After that, I don't mind going in to a mediator.

You don't have to choose one or the other, it sounds to me like you need a lawyer to guide you through the early stages, and then if you choose to go to mediation, great.  But don't let your husband start laying down financial terms right now.  He has all the information, and you have none of it.