I would add - not to rush to any decisions, just breath, think, gather strength. This is a huge revelation. He has kept a very big secret from you and now wants you to trust him. I could say more but that's probably best for another time. First you need to get past the shock.

Your story, as told so far, has much in common with many other members here. I hope you stay, read, question, vent, whatever helps you. People here get it.

Last edited by Daryl (August 7, 2018 9:00 pm)

Hi Sweetlife, 

I know things don't seem sweet right now, but after you ride out this storm, the life you find will be so sweet!
I'm so glad you signed up here and shared your story.  

If you are looking for affirmation, I'll give it to you.  Your partner is gay.  He doesn't want to be gay.  He doesn't want the world to know he is gay.  But he is gay.   He doesn't have sex with the woman he is committed to and instead he watches gay porn and has sex with a man.  He is gay.  period.  Straight men are disgusted by gay porn and would never even consider having sex with a man.  

You can't get addicted to gay porn unless you like it.  That's just silly.. it's a lie and an excuse.  He's trying to manipulate you and make you believe a story that reduces his guilt...  "oh gee.. it's not my fault.. I accidentally watched gay porn one time and then I got addicted and I couldn't help it and then I had to go have sex with a man because I was addicted. none of this is my fault at all.  I'm a victim."     BS!   

Sorry to be so brutally honest with you.  I suppose it's human nature to try to minimize their guilt when they get caught... no matter what the crime.   But this idea that they won't admit to being gay and they think they can convince their spouse that it all happened by accident just makes me crabby.   I hope you aren't offended.   I just hear this same story over and over from the women and men on this forum.  As "Supportme" said, you are not alone.  You might feel like the only person in the world who has gone through this, but you are not.  Your story has many similarities to lots of members of this group.  . 

So.. the big question you asked..  Where to start?
Ultimately (at some point in the future) you need to decide whether you want to stay with this man or separate from him and move forward with your life.  Only you can decide that.  Our forum is here to help you with either decision. 
But we all walk a different path to get to that point.  Some of us know immediately and others take a long time to get to that point.  Some try one direction and later change their mind.  There is no universal correct answer..  only you can decide what is right for you. 
As Daryl mentioned, there is no hurry to make this choice.  Give yourself time and be kind to yourself during this hard period of your life.  You are likely in great emotional distress and shock and that impacts you both mentally and physically.  We always recommend getting professional health care.  See a Dr. to evaluate your health and help you avoid the unhealthy symptoms of stress, lack of sleep, anxiety, high blood pressure, panic attacks, lack of appetite and numerous other potential impacts.  Get tested for STD's.. a cheating gay man can bring home lots of diseases.  Don't believe him if he says "only 1 man".  I know you say it's been 2 years since you had sex with him, but don't trust how many years he says he's been cheating on you.. It could be 2 or 3 or 10 or 15.   Next, find a professional councilor or therapist.. your mental health is just as important as the physical and needs attention to help you get through the impact of his lies and manipulation.  
Once you start to stabilize your health and get through the initial shock you can start to think more about what to do with your future.   
As Rob mentioned, check out the first aid kit our forum wrote to help:  http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=1217

Keep posting!!!   As much as you wish.   Share as much as you feel comfortable with.  Let us know how we can help you reach that sweet life you deserve. 

 

Dolcevita, 

Please read our stories on this forum. 
We all share the same pattern and with discovering a shocking news abour partners, we tend to or want to believe our partners and as OOHC said, our mind (or heart I would say) rationalizes often towards wrong direction, minimizing the problem. I have been there and done it too. Straight and Gay do not work together. I wished I talked to someone or found this forum a little bit earlier.

I would say RUN AWAY...there will be no trust and constant doubts.
You have right for your own opinion about how your relationship should look like and your be fully happy.
You did not sign up for this type of relationship.  He had no right to keep this type of secret away from you. 
 
Please talk to someone. You need other pair of ears to keep you realistic about your situation. You need to take care of yourself. He does whatever suits his needs.  If you truly love someone, you don't do things to hurt them or lure them into something without their knowledge.
Yes, he was scared, but he had no right to do it. There is no justification for that.
Also, go for legal consultation to have an idea about your future. Most of lawyers offer free consultations. Get prepared. He is steps ahead of you. I know it sounds cruel, you love him, but that is reality.

You are not alone, we are here with you, went through the same path, but coming out of it is just fine.
It is not easy. There will be a lot of bumps on the way. You will want your life to get back where it was, minimalizing the guilt of your partner, but you need to keep your head clear of that fog. That is why u need to read our stories and confide in someone. As Kel on this forum said numerous times, comfort is the worst enemy and we tend to think nothing better awaits for us...but if you won't give yourself a chance, it won't change for better too. You have a good reason to seek for that happiness. Don't think uou are giving up to easy. He is the problem here. He is GAY.

Take care of yourself! That is your obligation.

Thanks to everyone for your words. My partner confessed to me because he felt guilty,I believe my partner is gay he has confessed he was sexually molested as a child but he mentioned he had thoughts of boys when he was 16 he thought it didn’t mean anything and states this went away and came back when he started watching gay porn. We Met when we where about 22 yrs old we are now 37. Sex became less frequent with years and now we are here. I feel horrible for wanting to leave he is suffering depression anxiety and would love to help him but he doesn’t want to come out and say anything to anyone. He is in denial and states he doesn’t know what he wants. I on the other hand know what I want but it’s so hard to leave someone that you have been with so long when they are not mentally stable or even know who they are.