Posting an important update. We talked again, during lunch break, and now she's angry at herself. She's feeling that she's ruining the relationship and she's not sure of what she stated. She started crying and the fear of losing me is destroying her.

I feel like I really don't know what I should do, I'm trying my best to support her but at the same time I feel like I should get support too. She is supportive, but she' s starting to develop this pessimistic vision of this whole thing and blaming herself for destroying everything.

I know, a lot of this is because of the confusion, but I feel like we're losing each other and I don't know up to what point I can trust or understand her. 
She's so sad and angry with herself..
"I shouldn't have said anything, now I ruined everything". I don't know how to react. In my hearth I would like for her to be just confused, but what I really want is her well being and realization. I don't want for her to live a fake life.

You wrote that she said that "the fear of losing me is destroying her."  That should scare you.

Adolescents have intense relationships (girls seem to think the more drama the deeper the love) but adults usually know enough to move towards an exit when the person they are dating gets too dependent and possessive.  Everyone wants to be loved but not caged.

She seems to have too much going on herself to be much support for you and the more she clings to you the worse it will be if you decide this isn't for you after all.

Cassetto,

There's a lot going on here, but there are a few things that stand out to me:

1.  As difficult as this is to hear, I want to invite you to explore the thought that she's most likely been sleeping with another woman on the side, but lying to you about it. One of the common scenarios we see here is partners admitting to something (like maybe thinking they're gay), but not everything.  They want the possibility to ease the blow without seeming like a complete jerk. So they admit to thoughts, but not actions.  That's just not how this works.  If you had another woman cross your mind occasionally, you wouldn't likely run to your girlfriend and tell her that you thought maybe you might be in love with another woman.  You wouldn't want to lose what you had over just a fleeting thought.  When the thoughts became persistent, then you'd have to figure out if you wanted to explore that possibility, or if you wanted to try to put it out of your mind.  You'd likely only explore it if you felt you could get away with it undetected, you didn't care about losing what you had, or you tried to resist but couldn't. AFTER you go explore the possibility and get feedback from the other woman that she might be in love with you too, THEN you might start to try to break the news to the person you're involved with.  People don't think they're gay without trying the goods.  I know you're going to say that she already did - way back before in H.S.  Except according to her, she hated it then. So something is making her change her mind.  That something is experience.  I get that you want to believe her about her not having cheated.  But honestly,.... that's just not reasonable.  They ALL say they haven't cheat.  It's usually revealed later that they lied.

2.  Essentially your story (in a nutshell) is:
- my girlfriend and I dated for a while
- I had to move
- she lives with a lesbian friend
- after I moved, she needed time to think
- she says she thought she might be a lesbian, too
- I invited her to move in with me

FULL.STOP.  What?!?  I know my re-cap ignores all the nuances of the story.  But that's the whole point.  When you boil it down, you took a person who told you that she's not sure if she likes men, and invited her to come live with you, so she could figure it out.  To answer your question, NO, you can't figure yourself out when you are with someone.  Not this kind of thing, anyway.  That's because she has you to consider in the decisions, so that means she can't figure herSELF out as much as she can try to figure out what she can do that won't hurt you, or that you won't find out (therefore won't hurt you).  She is NOT free to figure herself out if she's committed to another relationship.  You're supposed to figure that out BEFORE you're in a committed relationship.

The overriding thing I want to say to you might not land with you.  But I cannot overstate its importance. When you get into your 40's and beyond, you realize just how important your choice of a life mate is. It is arguably THE single biggest decision of your life. It will be the drive behind where all the other things that will make up your life; where you live, the children you have, your home environment, your financial situation, your general happiness.  ALL of these things hinge, in part, on your spouse.  For that reason, the BASIC requirements for a spouse is that she be mentally and emotionally healthy, to begin with. That means that she knows who she is, what she values in life, and has a good sense of what she wants.  THEN you get into basic human requirements - kind, caring, giving, responsible, etc.  Then you get into matching up areas that you cannot bend on - how important family is, whether or not you'll have children, views on spirituality/religion, lifestyle, etc.  Last is things that will make your life easier or nicer, but aren't must-have's - wanting pets, enjoying similar activities, who cooks/cleans, etc.  There is no perfect person.  There will almost always be something you will have to sacrifice. Maybe they're wonderful but their credit is all screwed up and will take time to fix.  Maybe their argument style makes it difficult to resolve differences.  Maybe they don't feel like spending Christmas with extended family and you do.  But the thing you cannot sacrifice is them being healthy, happy and whole - withOUT you.  Before you come along.  Your lady has none of that figured out - not how she sees herself, not how she sees the world, not what her place in it is, etc.  NONE of it is figured out.  And that's a HUGE.DEAL.  If you have to pass through 100 gates before you get to the finish line, gate number ONE is stuck. Stop worrying about about whether your horse is going to win and notice instead that her leg is broken.  She shouldn't even be IN the race.

I KNOW you love her.  But that doesn't make her a good choice to spend the rest of your life with.  And the part of herself that she doesn't know well is PARAMOUNT to you having a fulfilling marriage.  Your sexualities HAVE to match, first and foremost. And if she's already having issues now, it will only get worse.

My advice to you is to end this relationship.  You aren't punishing her. You wish her the best. But you should not be making huge decisions this impulsively. It's not healthy for you. Or for her. And certainly not for any future children. It will be MUCH more painful in the future when your lives are that much more intertwined and little hearts are involved.  And believe me when I say that if this issue is coming up now, it will just get worse over time.  This doesn't go away.

Run like your hair is on fire, hon.

I wish you the best.

Kel
 

Last edited by Kel (August 1, 2018 4:15 pm)

Kel wrote:   NO, you can't figure yourself out when you are with someone.  Not this kind of thing, anyway.  That's because she has you to consider in the decisions, so that means she can't figure herSELF out as much as she can try to figure out what she can do that won't hurt you, or that you won't find out (therefore won't hurt you).  She is NOT free to figure herself out if she's committed to another relationship.


This has really resonated with me.  It matches something Sean said, which freely paraphrased was something like, "the wife can't help the gay husband come out and be gay."   It resonates with me so much because I think that my initial responses to my husband's disclosure was to do exactly that, and to think exactly that: that I could help him, that I could support him, that together we could integrate his new idea of himself into our marriage.  All the accommodating I did, from accommodating his sexual demands to his asking me to stay in his closet, all of his assurances that yes, he wanted to stay married to me and loved me, could not overcome the fact that he needed to find out who he is and to explore himself and COULD NOT do this while married to me. Neither I nor he ever considered or admitted or realized that the very fact of our relationship would restrict and condition that exploration of himself.  Much of what hurt me after that disclosure and his declaration that he wanted to stay married was that in spite of all the accommodating I was doing he was still doing things "on the side" without telling me and hiding them from me.  I see this now as inevitable, for exactly the reasons, Kel, that you give.
  I see so many spouses come here, reeling from shock, and so many of them express their desire to help their spouses, to do what they can to save their marriages.  They say so many of the same things I did or think what I thought: for example, that now that he's free to be himself our partnership will be open and honest and a true partnership.  When it doesn't work out like that, we're hurt and bewildered and angry, but the sad truth of it is that it was never going to work out like that, we just didn't know it or couldn't bring ourselves to admit it.

We use words to muddle things up so often - to glaze over the truth and put a shiny shellac on a piece of dog poo.  When we say that we're "trying to help our spouse - whom we love - to find their truth", it sounds so..... noble.  But that's just the public relations version of the truth.  The unvarnished truth sounds more like this: "I'm trying to help my spouse figure out if they would rather be with me or other people (or both)".  What the hell? Who would willingly do that? When put in those terms, it becomes obvious that you can't do that. First off, you have a vested interested in the outcome you want. Second, you both already decided before you stood at the alter and took vows to be faithful to each other alone. So,.... you're trying to help them figure out if they need to break their vows to you in order to find their own happiness?  Third, you are in a committed relationship which focuses on the union - largely by focusing on each other. But now they're deciding that they would rather not focus on the union, but rather, their own personal happiness? And there you are, STILL focusing on them, not realizing that it's not focusing on the union, but on an aspect of the relationship that no longer exists (because you changed that when you decided to focus on the two of you together as one rather than two individuals).  It.cannot.be.done.

Now..... if you think that both of you would be happy with the freedom to be with others - that it will strengthen the union, then I guess it could be argued that it's worth considering.  There are plenty of swingers out there that tout this as their reality - that it strengthens their marriage.  I don't understand HOW being with others can strengthen a union based on monogamy, but that's their prerogative. The thing is, if you aren't excited and embracing of you both being free to have an open relationship - if it wasn't your idea and you'd rather not, then you're not trying to strengthen the relationship by letting your spouse have their freedom.  You're sacrificing your needs because you're afraid of losing them.  If you thought there was no chance of losing them by saying no, you would.  It's the fear of loss that drives you to give them what they want.  It's a concession you make so that you will be acceptable enough to them to not leave.

A person in a marriage doesn't get to back-track. It's a contract.  Hell, it's a covenant. If you have no intention of keeping it, then get out of it. (of course, by its very nature, covenants aren't breakable, but you get what I mean.) Do what you said you would, or leave so I can find someone else who might want to do that.  You can't have it both ways.  It's impossible.  If you are pregnant and have no intention of taking care of the child - or feel that due to circumstances, you cannot - then give it to someone who WILL.  Who can, and who will.  Don't keep it and mistreat it. It (the child, or the marriage) is deserving of what it needs in order to survive. If you cannot give it that, then walk away as a gift to the thing that deserves to be cherished. Without cherishing it, it is not receiving the essence of what it needs in order to live.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (August 2, 2018 12:31 pm)