Hello everyone, first post here.

I have been dating my current partner since almost a year and she told me from the beginning that she was bisexual. I consider myself a very open minded individual, liberal, and, sexually speaking, into experimenting, kinks and bdsm, so it's never been a problem for me. I'm experienced, but I don't think an open relationship could work for me. 

We met in NYC, but I had to move to Illinois in May 2018 because of my job. We decided to keep our relationship going, because both of us are in love, in a rare, true and intense way that both of us never felt in our lives. We spent the month on April together in Italy, then back to New York, and then I left. Since then we met 2 times, one in June and one in July. 

Living in a long distance relationship is not easy, especially for her. She lost both parents at a young age (she's 29 now) and has hard time with trust and affection and intimacy, because she's afraid of loss. Often times she refers to me as her "rock" and "the pinnacle of everything she ever desired from a partner", but she didn't find the courage to trust this (still young) relationship and move with me. Please mind that I had to move all of a sudden, I've been given a 3 weeks notice, so I agreed that it would've been really crazy. She's also living with roommates and has the contract on herself, so... we decided to wait. I'm also waiting for my permanent resident card so going back to New York was the main option on the table.

One week ago she took herself a week (without telling me what was that about, so making me suffer like a dog) to "think" because she felt overwhelmed. After an excruciating week we talked and she stated that there's a chance that she's gay. 

A little bit of context here. She said that the last time we had sex (when she came over in Illinois) she felt "fucked", not loved, and that she disconnected her mind from her body. She didn't like it and also told me that my "dominant" role in the bedroom is something she has hard time to deal with. On my side, I do not require to "dominate" in the bed to please myself or her. It's always been a matter of her pleasure first, so, a play, if we want. BUT the last time we had sex has been bad for me too. I've been through a lot (new position, moving, finding a place, being alone in a new place) and I wasn't into it, or particularly horny, but I felt we had to have sex because it's "the only 2 days a month we meet", so i HAD to do it. I kinda lazily played the dominant role and it was really bad. Just sad sex. I'll come back to this later on

A little bit more information about her. She graduated in arts and never had a real job in that field. She always served the tables or other jobs not pursuing her dreams. She's VERY depressed by this and a lot of other things that she has to work on. Her family is scattered around the world (she's the younger of 6) and she's living with her gay friend. She is having an existential crisis before a sexual identity one. She often refer to herself as a failure and she also feel the pressure of the competition that NYC pose. She feels like she doesn't know what she wants to do and, failed interview after failed interview, she's really down. VERY confused. She's also in therapy since 3 months.

Anyway, back to the present. After a week of silence and pain, when we finally talked we both were very emotional. On one side our love is incredibly strong, on the other side she's living in this confusion that doesn't help her figuring out what's going on, on MANY aspects of her life. After reassuring her about not being ashamed or sorry for how she's feeling, I also started to pose myself and her some questions. I started with telling her that, to me, her life looks like a boiling pot with a lot of ingredients in, on a fire burning at max power. Every single thing is overthought (see: I failed an interview, I'll never be able to succeed at anything), every single input is amplified. She came out with this after spending 3 day (out 7 of the radio silence week) on vacation with 3 of her bi/gay friends (all women). She had a (short and disastrous) relationship with a girl before (high school) and she didn't like sex at all.
I also asked her if she ever enjoyed sex with me and she said "yes of course". I then took a chance and tried something. I asked her that, if we weren't to break up, she would've had to move with me in order to grow together and see if it's worth pursuing a life together.

Unbelievably, she's willing to take a leap of faith and move with me to Illinois, trust me, trust someone for the first time in her life. I was (and am) obviously surprised. And scared.

I'm scared not just because of this new thing but also because many other factors are involved here, her personal realization, her life, her career, her happiness. Moving together could be the right thing to do to clear her mind and understand her sexuality, but it could also be a disaster that could ruin 2 lives. She really wants to explore, but she really wants to be with me. She wants to have sex with me and another girl. She's.....a lot. Guess what I'm trying to understand is if, in this vast sea of emotions and uncertainty, would be a good idea growing together or let her figure out herself alone. Both ways could (and WILL) hurt, but one of them could also mean a future together. We both want a family and kids, we both have a bright vision of our future. My parents are supportive, all of our friends are. We're very open with anyone and this brought us close to a lot of real friends.

I don't wanna make it too long here, there are obviously many many more details and shades, but I'd love to find support of people who had similar experiences.

Here's my main questions, please feel free to give me some tips about these, but about the whole situation as well.
1. Is it better to find your way by yourself? Is a partner involved in this kind of "explorations"?
2. What's gonna happen when you move with me? you won't have a job, a career, a path. What will happen?
3. What if this your enthusiasm is just temporary?
4. What about sex? will we be able to find intimacy again or will I be to scared to "do the wrong thing and lose you" every time?
5. Will I trust you again? (trust meant as "knowing who you are")
6. Is bad sex and distance a false signal for you to think you're gay? Being bisexual + distance and bad sex could?

Sorry for my english or grammar, I'm Italian.

Thanks a lot for the support, it'll mean a lot.
Simone

Last edited by cassetto (July 30, 2018 4:20 pm)