I’ve just learned a couple of days ago that my hubby is quite likely gay.  It is so odd to put it into writing. I’ve been glued to this forum and have learned a lot from others’ experiences. I’m also quite surprised at the many similarities to my story that I’ve encountered.

We’ve been married for 26 years and have two daughters.  We have never had any common interests, (he seems to have no interests) and he is not a very good conversationalist.  Our marriage has been loveless and sexless for many years, but we have been comfortable with each other.

I have battled fatigue and pain all of my adult life, and he has always been very supportive; he took over driving our daughters to their lessons/games/friends/jobs as well as cooking and grocery shopping.  He would even drive me to appointments, although I never asked him to. He has made my life very easy.

He is retired now, and I am on a disability pension.  We are both content to just be with our family, and do not socialize with others. It has bothered me that we are so isolated, but I don’t have the energy to be social.  It is also difficult to make new friends.

I found some short videos he made of himself, and I was shocked.  Of course I know now that I should have seen the signs, but he is quite the gruff, rough around the edges kind of guy.  Nobody would ever guess that he could be gay.

I have not talked to him about it, but when I do, I fully expect him to deny it, as so many others have experienced.

The uncertainty I am faced with is do I continue as we have been?  I've always been aware that he has made himself indispensable to me, purposely, but I figured he just didn’t want to end up alone. He doesn’t go out anywhere, and spends most of his time at home, as I do, so there seems to be no threat of another relationship. I think I am upset that he kept this from me all these years.

I have another issue.  For years, I was happy that he took over our finances. I was terrible at paying bills on time.  We worked together, and our paycheques were identical, so we have always had a joint account.  He came into this relationship with a small debt; I had none.  He was/is an alcoholic and drank heavily, which I unwittingly contributed to financially.  These are minor incidents.  The major one is that I found out about a year and a half ago that we are in a catastrophic amount of debt.  We will never pay off our mortgage, and he entered into a Consumer Proposal, which is 1 step above bankruptcy, to pay his credit card debt, which will take 5 years to pay off.  I didn't know he had 5 credit cards.  My cc debt was $3000; his was $90,0000.  The kicker is that we have absolutely nothing to show for it. No vacations, no renovations, no new car, etc.  I don’t know how that happened. Was it that we just couldn’t keep up with the interest payments?  Why did he not tell me before it got to this?  I discovered our debt when I decided to start keeping statements in files.  At first I only knew about our mortgage ( it’s 3-4 times the cc debt).  I was, of course, devastated.  I went through all our bank statements, found no answers there, and asked him if there was anything I should know about. Of course there was nothing.

I don’t know what to do.  Stay or not.  I had resigned myself to staying in a loveless marriage, even with the debt, but this new revelation has me rethinking everything.  Any insight would be very much appreciated.