For the first few months of the MOM section there was probably so little activity that a single thread might have been sufficient.   But things are picking up now.  It's a complicated topic of discussion so having it's own dedicated section where there can be many threads going at once is best for the group. 

If the taste and smell of chocolate made me nauseous....I may walk into a shop where there was chocolate on every shelf, but I wouldn't tell the shop-owner her store should be somewhere else

If I didn't like classical music... I wouldn't knowingly sit in a crowded hall with a symphony orchestra playing, then stand up and demand silence.
 

I'm not talking about Yaz....or her research. I was referencing Lily's choice to read a section of the site she knows she disagrees with....then telling us all her opinion....that it shouldn't be here

I was referencing Lily's choice to read a section of the site she knows she disagrees with....then telling us all her opinion....that it shouldn't be here

The same could be said of you, Ellexoh, telling everyone off for their opinions.  When you're on the side of the site in which people generally think that staying with a gay/trans spouse is a losing proposition, you snap at us--so much so that you got your own section for those who want to stay.  But when you're on the side of the site that's supposed to be for those who are staying and committed to staying, you snap at Yaz (yes, I'm talking about your 'what color are we in their XXX rainbow?' comment.)  
    I for one support Duped's last comment, that many of us, now that we're out, see the outlines of the response we've had/the journey we've taken, understand that hope and denial are powerful and ultimately not in our interest, and see those new to the awful discovery/disclosure repeating those same stages, and want to spare them, not encourage them to torture themselves longer.   
   YazPistachio had the benefit of knowing from the beginning that she was choosing to get into a MOM; I can't think of another person on this site whose stories I've read in the now almost two years I've been here who has been in that same situation.  But Yaz counseled you as if you, too, had that foreknowledge.  She asked you to think optimistically and positively, instead of being suspicious, etc.  Her situation is not the same as anyone else's here.  She may have something to teach those who like Brassy Hub are trying mightily to make something positive out of an MOM he'd prefer not to have to be in, but has decided to stay in.  
   
 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 24, 2018 6:59 pm)

lily wrote:

The reason I didn't want it is just by being on the front page as a section it has an appearance of endorsing the notion that a MOM can achieve a happy outcome.  

As Phoenix himself often says he doesn't believe that's possible.  So we are asked not to post in that section where our views would be negative.  That is an Orwellian red flag isn't it.  But hey I didn't say anything did I.

 

What's wrong with endorsing the notion that a MOM can achieve a happy outcome for some people?  There are many people in the world who have figured out how to make this work.  The SSN is supportive of the ones who chose to stay and the ones who chose to separate. 

Perhaps I should clarify my stance.  I have indeed said on multiple occasions that based on my own personal experience I can't see how a MOM would be the best path for myself or anyone.  That is based on my unique set of beliefs about what a marriage should be like.  And.. since I typically draw from personal experience to offer advice, I don't feel I have the ability to offer constructive advice to those wanting to stay in a MOM.  So for this reason I refrain from commenting in that area.  But I acknowledge that other people have other perspectives and other needs and other desires for their lives and relationships.  I know people who are happy in their MOM.  Because of this I do believe (and I've stated publicly) that a MOM can be successful for people who desire to make it that way.  

Sorry if you feel that the desire to keep the MOM section free of negativity and criticism is socialist or "Orwellian".  My goal is to help as many people as possible as much as possible.. and if that means asking people to refrain from posting critical and negative thoughts in an area designed to be constructive and positive, I don't think that's too much to ask.  

If you want to start a discussion in other forum sections about why you feel a MOM is a bad idea and why you would advise against it, you are more than welcome to do that.  Those people committed to making their MOM work can chose whether or not they wish to read it.  


PS.. Please don't feel I'm being argumentative.  I enjoy the open dialogue and discussion/debate.   It's great that we have an atmosphere that allows us to have mature conversations and it's ok that we disagree.   Thanks for your thoughts everyone (lily especially).