I think whether we decide to try to stay in a marriage to a gay person or not is deeply rooted in our own psychology and what value and respect we put on ourselves.  This goes back to our childhood.  If you believe that you are not “enough” you tend to settle for things instead of taking the risks involved to attain more.

A narcissist controls you by constantly eroding your self esteem to the point that you begin to believe that you can not function without them and you are not worthy of more.  You become indecisive. You lose your true identity and they get the high playing God in your life.  When they can’t get anything else out of you, they move to their next victim.  You are left an empty shell and must dig very deep into your essence to find yourself and begin to grow.  It can be done, against all odds. 

The “gift” of my experience married to a homosexual  (32 years of my life was invested in that relationship) is that it forced me to look at my own childhood and discover what beliefs made me think I wasn’t worthy of a normal, healthy, vibrant, honest committed marriage.  It was a process of discovery, decision making and personal growth.  I no longer settle for the mediocrity of existing; I live a challenging, joy-filled life and have no regrets on divorcing a gay man, therefore making room in my life for abundance and healthy love.

My $.02.. 

I see nothing wrong with someone taking pride in the path they are walking.  Acknowledging the challenges you face, which may be different and often more difficult than the path others take is motivating to yourself and others like you.  I do understand that those compliments paid to yourself and others taking a similar road might seem like a slight to others on different paths, but I don't think it is done intentionally. 

In retrospect, I'm guilty of doing the exact same thing.. 
I speak often about the difficulty that straight spouses face when going through divorce.  We have extra layers of complications and emotional baggage that normal hetero couples do not.  I've written many times that we have a harder path because we have the added layer of the fraud and lies and intimate rejection that comes with being married to a LGBT person.  I feel like it's a reasonable statement to say that we have a harder challenge to overcome.   But, I can imagine that some of my friends who have gone through divorce without the str8 spouse issues might take exception to what I have said and could possibly be insulted or feel belittled. They won't have the same understanding of the experience and they might have their own troubles that I don't understand.  So, by emphasizing the difficulty I faced, did I insult others by making their path seem easy?   I certainly never intended to do that.  I think this example is what is happening here.  I don't think there was any intent to make anyone else feel as though they are taking the easy way out or that they are not as amazing and courageous as others.  

As for whether that section should be a section or a thread:
I feel it's appropriate for those who wish to maintain their MOM to have their own section.  It is a different experience, in some ways harder and perhaps in other ways easier, but, because it's different I think it deserves to have it's own section on the forum.  The major reason for this was to create an atmosphere that is positive and constructive. 
I can't relate personally to that experience. From my own personal path, I can't see how staying married to my ex would have been beneficial, so I don't have a well of helpful advice.  My honest opinions, which I would offer in a genuine desire to help, wouldn't be well received, so I steer clear of the area because my advice would be to leave and that would be negative and harmful.. 
  
The initial reasoning for the separate section was to keep an area reserved for more optimistic and constructive discussion and free of negativity and I think that has been successful.  I think those people who post in that area are finding this beneficial.  The activity in that forum is starting to grow and that's a great thing. 

The SSN is here to support all people who find out their spouse is LGBT.  We want to support those who decide to stay married as well as those to wish to separate.   

 

As a new member of this forum, I just wanted to share my view on this thread. I found out about my husband several months ago, and I began researching online about how to deal with something like, and discovered that I wasn't alone in this. I found out that so many before me have found this out about their spouse, and I felt comforted that I wasn't alone.

It took me a while, but I made the decision that I would stay with my husband, and that we would make it work. Although it was very difficult for me though to keep to that decision when everything I kept reading online was advice saying that you should leave him, and it will never work, and he is better off being who he really is etc. So, I stayed away from reading things online, and our relationship started to improve as I wasn't continually reading advice that I should leave him. And no, I'm not in denial about the whole thing, we made the decision together that we would stay together, and we are fully entitled to that decision, just as others are entitled to leave after finding out something like this. Every relationship is different.

I definitely don't see myself as an "especially wonderful woman" for staying with him, I'm far from that. If anything, it probably takes so much more courage to be able to make the opposite decision and leave. But at the same time, it's unfair to keep reading that my marriage will never work and making those of us who choose to stay feel like we are cruel for doing so, because we are keeping him from coming out, or that we deserve whatever happens because we chose to stay... or that we shouldn't be allowed to have a place to talk on here.

While I don't agree with many of the things said by Yaz, it doesn't mean there shouldn't be a MOM section. If anything, seeing the MOM section is what made me finally sign up to this forum. I thought it would be a place for me to talk to others in my situation, somewhere I could talk about this without being judged for my decision. But reading a thread titled "do we have to have a MOM section?" makes me feel judged. It makes me feel as though I'm not welcome here because I decided to stay with him, so therefore I shouldn't be entitled to talk about it.

I also don't see the MOM section as being bad for someone who just discovered their spouse is LGBT. I think it's essential to have it actually, because when I first found out and started reading online, the only things I saw were advice to leave and how to heal and move on afterwards... it suggested to me that there was only one option in this situation, that my marriage was over, and that I had to learn to deal with that. I felt stupid and judged that I wanted to do the exact opposite of the advice out there. It gives me comfort to know that both options are ok, and I think it's important for someone who has just found out to know that. I'm not telling them they should stay and make their marriage work, but they should at least know it's as much an option as leaving is. Every relationship is different, some people might want to stay, and some might not... and both are equally reasonable options.

I think there should be space for everyone to talk, because everyone's situation is different, and it's not fair to exclude people because they made a different decision to you.

first of all I am not talking exclusion I am talking shift from being a section to a thread.  obviously this is not going to happen as the administrator is in favour of the section remaining.  I stand by my remark - it's head-turning.  Like you've got to believe night is day.   

you say every relationship is different, well yes that is true, so is every snowflake.  I met my gay in denial ex when I was 19.  I remember in my 40's, still married and no idea he was gay, thinking it was like I was wearing an ill-fitting shoe.   

plenty of people end up staying in mixed orientation marriages - like you, I do not feel judgemental about it.

 

Survival90 wrote:

As a new member of this forum, I just wanted to share my view on this thread. 

I think there should be space for everyone to talk, because everyone's situation is different, and it's not fair to exclude people because they made a different decision to you.

Survival90, 
Welcome to the forum.  Thanks so much for signing up and sharing your thoughts.  I agree with your statement completely.  I hope you continue to find value in the MOM section. 

We are a big family here.. we all love one another, but we don't always agree 100%.   We're learning to navigate this process together.  We are also continuing to learn how to make this forum the best it can be.  So I value the feedback we get from everyone's different perspectives and do my best to make this place as helpful as possible to as many people as possible. 

I hope you stick around and share in the discussions and both give and get encouragement to continue along your path.   All my best!