Byron,

I've never had a straight marriage break up - only the gay one.  So I'm not sure what a st8 break-up looks like compared to a gay one.  But I'd think similar, in a lot of ways.  I've watched two of my siblings go through 3 marriages now that have broken up, and yes - I'd say that the pain has to outweigh the fear before we make up our minds.  It's actually more like the fear of staying starts to outweigh the fear of leaving.  So often, we look at our situation as "should I stay (status quo) or leave (all the unknowns).  The unknown seems far scarier for most people - especially when kids and financial uncertainty are part of the equation.  When I began to project my marriage out toward the future, I couldn't IMAGINE being in my position for another 25 years.  Another 25 years of unhappiness, feeling unloved and undesirable, feeling invisible.  When I looked at doing that for another 25 years, it was FAR scarier than the fears that accompanied exiting the relationship.  So much so that it literally panicked me.  I had a lot of realizations along the way, but that one was the clincher, I believe.  I needed to project the future of leaving against the future of staying - NOT project the future of leaving against my current somewhat tolerable situation.  When I did that, it changed everything.

I still think that straight marriages that end are looking for truth.  But more often than not (at least when cheating's not involved), I think it's the truth of a) whether this is enough for me to stay, and if not, then b) is there hope that this situation can change?  I think that we st8 spouses often look at the situation as more like: a) is he/she really truly 100% gay, and if so, b) can we make it work somehow anyway?  When we go a few cycles of that, we begin to get to the other place - the one where we question if this is something we can take and if not, if it's going to change.  THEN we leave.  In the end, I believe all the marriages that break up go through that end game, but we st8 spouses have an additional unique hoops that we jump through before getting to those final ones.  That's not to say that some people don't make up their mind very quickly - both in st8 marriages and gay ones.  Some people just know themselves very well and eliminate all the hoops by going right to the last ones.  I took forever, but I did eventually have to go around the gay hoops and go to the end ones.  I didn't get answers on the gay thing until AFTER I'd made that decision.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (August 19, 2016 9:28 am)

Thanx again Kel for your very thought provoking post above on "needing proof that they're gay".  It took me awhile to realize it really wasn't TGT!.  I guess I remained in denial bc of his financial contributions to my household expenses here knowing I couldn't cover the bills alone. Of course I was being "bought" with all the gifts he was adorning me with.....now realizing it had something to do with his guilt and/or keeping the "cover" happy.  The reasons are NOT my focus now but my whole process of getting the hell out of this horrible betrayal of trust, chronic lying, arrogance, anger and control issues he has always had.  When I think of the 10 yrs I put up with this, I get frustrated analyzing where or who I could have been  with and what a waste of MY valuable time in this phase of my life....not to mention the tears & arguments I've had with him repeatedly wondering why he can't provide the basic needs I was accustomed to in previous relationships.  These are the puzzle pieces that all fell into place for me on so many levels.  So rather than search the internet for that one more piece of PROOF I thought I needed to nail this coffin closed, I've accepted it wasn't TGT that was the culprit but all the above reasons that ANY relationship or partnership should have for a foundation. I'm learning to use that negative energy which was searching the internet on different ways to "catch him doing that gay thing for the ridiculous proof I thought I needed to now working diligently getting all my ducks in a row financially and emotionally to feel strong enough to escape!  This is not been easy doing all this when he's under the same roof but where there's a will there is DEFINITELY a way....I've got to focus on my goal and not allow his "negative energy' distract me. I will be seeing the counselor to ensure I work through these emotions, don't follow a pattern IF I choose to open my heart up again and want to be able to understand when my boundaries are being challenged!  These posts are so important to understand I'm not alone, take suggestions on all aspects of our journey and stay calm, clear headed and ONE DAY AT A TIME!

My situation, ironically, was backwards from most. I got HIV from him first, chalked it up to past drug use, then the cheating happened, then just the gay porn on online chats bc he was "getting better". Still I chose to deny the truth. Partly bc I was convinced myself that thinking HIV was a "gay" disease was wrong and politcally incorrect and became ashamed of thinking that way. I'm not saying it's a homosexual disease, but it is more prevalent in that community and where drug use is involved.

I also rationalized his "acting out" as a result from him being sexually abused as a child. I chose to believe his words that he loved me and wouldn't cheat again, and wasn't bi or gay. Regardless of what the cause is, the truth is that he chose to lie, manipulate, deceive and cheat. That is what's unacceptable - not all GID men cheat, or do drugs, etc. He is just an immoral man with sooo many mental issues, besides being GID. I truly feel sorry for him and hope one day he can live a life free from his own repression. It's sad to see. But none of that gives him a pass for what he did to me, repeatedly. And truthfully, I allowed him to treat me that way. I believe it's bc I couldn't bear the idea of living with HIV alone or thinking I'll never be loved by a normal person bc of it. Hopefully I'll work through that issue and there's not some other underlying self esteem or codependent issue that kept me in such a terrible situation.