There is a part of me that wished I never saw that first text. It just said 'hey' but I knew, just knew that was not a wrong number type of thing. I thought it was a women. Even when I was able to take a look at the messages, I thought it was a dominatrix he was seeing. I was reading the texts in reverse until one night I woke up in the middle of the night and realized it was a man he was talking to. All those months of snooping was shocking and still is. 
I feel like I am in a black hole today and I'm scared. I hate that I don't have the guts to get out of this!

Last edited by Roo (July 17, 2018 11:19 am)

Rob...thank you for the hug. 
He just doesn't get it. He is always asking me what is the matter...He sees that my personality has changed but can't figure out why. Really??? Everything we do is about him. Where we go on vacation etc. If he doesn't want to do it, then we don't do it. I can't have new furniture (our living room suite is over 25 years old and it was handed down from his grandparents) but if he needs or wants something for the boat, of course he gets it. It's always his way. I hope one day I can have my freedom!
I'm sorry, I'm starting to babble. Thank you for listening. 
Have a great night!

Roo,

I think it would be helpful for you to list out your fears.  Be specific.  Then go into the realistic worst case scenario on each of them. And list the realistic best case scenario, too.  Then list the most realistic expected outcome. Then go into ways you can make that best case scenario happen.

Let me do a few of mine from before for you you, as an example:

I am scared that my choice of divorcing won't be accepted by my extended family.
Worst expected outcome: They tell me that I'm giving up too easily, that I need to keep trying to make the marriage work, that God won't accept this from me. (huh - doesn't sound all THAT bad once it's spelled out). Best case scenario: They completely support me. Most reasonable expected outcome: A mix of both - they feel badly that I'm so sad/angry/defeated, but encourage me to try harder, for longer.  How can I help make the best case scenario happen? I can sit down and write out a list of things that have happened - how things have progressed (or not). I can list things I've done to fix the situation. I can list how long I've already tried, and what it would take to make me happy, and how we're getting nowhere near the amount of action necessary to make that a reality.  I can also list ways that I'm actively trying to remedy fallout - to my kids, to my finances, etc.  I can ask for help outright - I can ask for their support, and tell them that my mind is made up - that I'm not asking for permission to make this decision, but for support.

Another: What if I can't handle being a single parent and all that it entails? What will I do if I get the flu and my kids are left essentially unsupervised? Worst case scenario: The kids will be bored in the house, and not being paid good attention to for a few days.  Best case scenario: The kids will be fine - and even help take care of me. What can I do to make this a best case scenario? Ask.for.help when I need it.  I have friendships that I can tag to ask for help when needed. I can make it known to them ahead of time that I am scared, and need their help, and tell them I will always be available to help them in return. I can tag my parents, siblings, even neighbors for when I need support.  Collect phone numbers, have conversations, be open and honest about my fears and needs.

I am not here to push you towards something you're not ready for.  I understand the concept of "gathering strength". But I also understand very well the concept that fear can paralyze you past the point of reason. That sometimes the fear itself is worse than the likely reality of the situation. And how you can become used to inaction as a coping mechanism.  And it's not the best scenario. You will need to push yourself into discomfort if you intend to make meaningful change.  Start small - go open your own (secret) bank account that has all communication come via online means.  Open a secret email account. Start gathering financial data.  Set up and follow-through on meeting with a lawyer.  You will never get anywhere different if you're not willing to take the first steps. You have choices to make at this point - are you happy sitting in the same spot and how it feels?  It's okay to feel fear - courage is not not feeling fear - it's feeling fear and doing it anyway. I know you're scared, hon.  But start DOING something about your life already. You only get one life, and you're wasting it being a prisoner of fear. You have more in you than that.  And you know that.

Kel
 

The one good thing in all of this....we have no children. We have cats...one is a 100% daddy's girl. I just acquired a little 7 week ginger kitty. He was rescued by a friend off a bridge that goes over a gator infested lake...some A-hole threw him away. He got very lucky. He has taken my mind off of what is happening in my marriage. 

andrea-lost wrote:

 But everyone says just be strong and alone. Being alone is terrifying and horrible. I have been doing it and lying about it to most people for two years now. My husband wont end our marriage. he still dangles hope- he loves me- I am his soul mate , while maintaining a separate residence that I joint pay for. So he has a gay life and I live in our home answering all the noisy neighbor questions. Maybe warming a TV dinner eating it out of the box, maybe not eating for days. Hence my trying to achieve 86 lbs. Which is better than the 81 I was at.
Why do I do this? I hate being alone. I am terrified of growing old and dying alone. This is not the vow he promised. Yes the more I search the more dirt I find.  And what am I going to do with it. I still love the bastard.  So I have accepted this happening to me at age 55---- I  will never love again. Now what?  So I can be alone and its okay. No. its not. It is lonely no matter how you try to fill your time.  All the charity, friends, wont fill the empty side on your bed. I hate it when people make it sound so easy.  My question- are we broken forever????

Andrea, my heart goes out to you. Do you have a therapist or a trained professional you are working with? Being lonely is awful, but being alone doesn't have to be. Your husband won't end your marriage. Well, of course, he won't. Why would he? You are giving him the best of both worlds and even helping him pay for it. I'm assuming he knows how unhappy you are, but it seems, from your post, that he really doesn't care that his actions are causing you so much pain or taking a physical toll on you. That is not love. You say you still love him. May I ask why? 

You ask "are we broken forever?" I say no, BUT you have to do your part to fix yourself. It is obvious your husband isn't making your health and emotional well-being a priority, so you have to do it. You need to love yourself enough for both of you. You need to decide that you are worthy of love and respect BECAUSE YOU ARE!!! 

And no, friends and charity won't fill the other side of your bed, but they may make you realize that having that side of the bed empty isn't as bad as you think. And you are right. It isn't easy - especially at first, but you are worth the effort it takes to do it. You are so worth it. 

Be intentional in your self-care. Try to do something just for you every day. Change the conversation in your head. Speaking lovingly to yourself. When you find yourself being critical, stop and say, "no. I am not _______. I am loving and deserve to have love in my life." or something similar. Say it out loud and into a mirror if you have to, and say it like you mean it - even if you don't just yet. Eventually, you will.