It's not. I just have to be able to get to that point. I am scared to death.

Roo,
I love ya girl but wanna shake you too. 
Think of it as a Bandaid that's old and partiially sticking to a wound that can't heal with out air.
You sound as if you are trying to tape the bandaid on even though the adhesive is long gone. 
Rip it off!  You will be fine! 
Maybe one day you'll be so busy enjoying life that doesn't evolve around trying to uncover the smear that's been spread over our eyes enough to see the sun!
Wishing you the best sweetie!

Roo,
  Three months out of the house, 3 years/three months from the disclosure.
   I was scared, too.  I'm still scared, actually.  I find the fear manifests even when I am doing things I've done before.  I'm currently on a very long distance solo trip.  But I talk back to my fear: nothing material s different this time; you know the route, you know the stops, and, for heaven's sake, you silly, you know how to drive!  I remind myself of the people I know who I can count on if things go wrong.  
   Lily's advice is good.  Meet fear with reason.  Make a list of all the reasons you're scared, what you're scared of, and then counter them, as best you can, one by one. Scared of not making it financially?  Make a list of all your resources, including people who can help you--with childcare or cast off furniture or a night of babysitting or good advice or job contacts; list the jobs you've had before, the skills and qualities you have that you could offer an employer, schools in the area (community colleges are terrific because they offer job training courses and are affordable); brainstorm how you can leave cheaply as you transition to your new lif--move in with another single mother, look for a live in caregiver arrangement with an older person or a family with children, ask your church (if you have one) and parents (if you can) if you can count on them for whatever help they might provide; see what social services are available to you; ask a lawyer what you're entitled to in support.  Making this list can empower you and help combat your feelings both of helplessness and worthlessness.  
   Make another list of all the reasons you want to leave, and all the things you want in your life that staying with him is keeping you from.  
  I know what it's like to obsessively check for "more stuff."  I think it's a way to assure ourselves that yes, we aren't crazy, and no, he isn't changing.  It helps us see the reality, which makes us face the truth and move toward acceptance, and kill our own hope that it's not true or he'll come to his senses; in that way it can also be a step in the process. You're caught in the cognitive dissonance of, "I know; I don't want to know; I need to know; I don't want it to be true; I need to face the facts." It's crazy making.
     Killing the hope is very very hard.  Believing in ourselves and our ability to live by ourselves can be very very hard, especially when we've been living in an emotionally (or physically) abusive situation. Even now that I am living elsewhere, but still moving things out from the shared residence, sometimes when I am in the house alone I will "peek" where I know he keeps his "equipment"--just to reassure myself that yes, I had to do what I did, and no, he isn't going to magically transform back into the husband I thought I had.  It helps me move forward.  It sounds as if your spouse isn't even trying to hide things any more--and why should he?  He knows what you're willing to tolerate.
    The most important step in leaving is deciding you must.  Once you make that decision, all the objections you've had that seemed insurmountable and like reasons you had to stay become challenges that can be met and managed. 
     If I can add to Lily's advice, break things down into tasks on a "to-do" list, and then start crossing them off.  Every time you cross an item off it boosts and bolsters you.  "Call a lawyer and make an appointment."; "Every time I go grocery shopping, get cash back (even $10 or $20 if that's all you can afford or hide--although it sounds like he's spending a lot on his habit) and stash it for an emergency fund."; go online and look at apartments to see what it would really cost to move out; etc. 
  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 10, 2018 5:49 am)

Thank you everyone! Luckily we have no children. I would hate to put them through something like this. We do have a business together, which it's not doing the greatest because it's the summer. I also have my side business that I am working really hard at. Then maybe, I could be a bit  more financially independent. All this has added a whole lot more stress. I can't sleep and today my stomach hurts so bad and my face feels like it's on fire but I don't have a fever. 
It's all so complicated...but whose situation isn't that is going through this crap. 
I have reached out to several lawyers via their website, asking if this is a type of case they could deal with but I've not heard back from anyone yet. 
Love you guys! You are my only support at the moment.