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July 8, 2018 4:58 pm  #1

To Shattered and B-strong.

Please know that you have a support system here even if you haven't got a lot of responses yet. 
Shattered, I'm so sorry you've wasted so much time trying to support a 'limping' marriage. I admire you for trying so long but admire you more for the strength to leave the situation. 
Same for B strong. The truth will come out and your intuition is serving you well. observe everything as if you were Sherlock Holmes because the lies of spouses trying to hide the truth of something so disgraceful is very hard to catch.
You will find it though. Keep posting and giving updates. Wishing you both all the best to get through this tough journey. 
But you will get through and come out smarter and stronger regardless.  

Life is like phases of the moon.... We really only see it when it's beautiful, full and in our face. 

July 9, 2018 12:23 pm  #2

Re: To Shattered and B-strong.

Dear Scrupulous, Thank you so much for replying. I actually cried when I read your words - just knowing that someone offered me those encouraging words meant so much. Today is day 43 and I have taken your advice on being Sherlock Holmes. I had always avoided 'checking up on him' over the past 14 years. I have always believed in having an innate trust in those people closest to me and trying to give them their space. Obviously in this case, looking back, I was wrong to do so.
Yesterday hubby came over to help me repair a bed frame (which I appreciated) and just listening to him, he dropped another clue - actually several. It is amazing how obvious, how clear it all is (despite the fact he negates it with his words) - if we can just separate enough to see it from a distance and to look at it dispassionately.
I am sure I will come out smarter and stronger - thanks for your encouragement. In the country where I live, they have an old saying - that which doesn't choke you will put meat on your bones!
Today I painted my bedroom wall and I painted a lovely lavender heart over my bed (despite the fact that I am 46) - just to remind me that I need to remember to love me most of all!
Thanks again for your reply! 


August 1, 2018 6:33 am  #3

Re: To Shattered and B-strong.

I had a weekend of revelation. That is the thing I have been asking the universe for for quite some time. Hubby and I have been living apart for a little over 2 months now. He continues in his fervent denial –as he always has.
However, I guess that living separately makes the truth easier to see.
Last Friday an interesting thing happened. I texted my hubby at 7:58 A.M and asked him if he could drop a tool off here at the house on his way to the city for the weekend. He texted back 10 seconds later (making it seem like he was already on his phone texting with someone else) “Sure, see you la” and after another 10 seconds, another text “later”. I wrote back “Thanks” and at the same moment I sent my text, I received one from him that said, “prrrrrrr…”.
Hmmm, I thought to myself. Never in my life has he said that to me. Then I got to thinking, the guy he said he was going to visit for the weekend (who used to be my ex-boyfriend 18 years ago and our mutual friend) always used to send me texts when we were dating that said ‘prrrrr.’
It was crazy, but I felt so damn elated. I finally had my confirmation and it was just great to finally ‘know for sure’. In the afternoon when he dropped by to bring the tool, he negated my confirmation. He said that ‘prrrrrrr’ was just blowing raspberries.
What????? I even told him that I was thrilled he had texted me the wrong message because it would allow me to get over the ‘failed marriage thing’ and just get on to a new level – that of trying to maintain some sort of friendship. I told him that the friend he was visiting used to send me texts saying that same thing. At that point, he even denied going to visit that friend and even ever having said it.
About a week ago, in a moment of weakness, I kissed my husband. It was like trying to kiss a child who doesn’t want to be kissed. It helped me understand, but made me sad.
Some days I manage to keep my wits about me, follow my action plan for becoming stronger and working my way forward, and other days it is just so damn hard and I fall into my rut.
I have been reading a lot lately on covert narcissists and this description fits my husband perfectly. I do know that my self-confidence and support system have been pretty much undermined over the past 14 years in this marriage. I am trying to find that strong wonderful woman I used to be. I get frustrated with myself for falling back into my fantasy world each time I talk to him (in my fantasy world he is still gay, but he is a nice person and really did/does care about me on some level). Since last Friday I have made an effort not to talk to him and to only respond to his texts with pertinent information. Today I am back to my ‘make me strong routine’. But damn, is it hard….


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