Post-disclosure, I can only recall three times my ex and I got close enough for a hug. First was after we knew what needed to be done, second was when her Mom passed away, third was when my sister's husband died suddenly. The common thread to these was a compassionate reaction to shared grief. As much as we all crave a human touch, it needs to be authentic and reciprocal.

LostDad, your story, is heartbreaking.  My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your sons.  Don't ever think there isn't a single hetero woman out there who won't give everything they have to find a man like you and many of the other men here just like you.  Trust me, I'm one of them.  I really wish now when I divorced nearly 30 years ago, that I would have at least dated.  I stayed single to raise my son on my own.  He is a well rounded individual for my efforts, married with a wife and children of his own and they are looking to buy their first home, and I'm proud of this even though I've been lonely for years.  I think once your spouse moves out you'll relax a bit more. The sooner she moves out the better for you to start healing.  In honesty, I don't understand what she is still doing in your home now that the divorce has been filed?  I don't say this to hurt you, but she does need to go and the faster the better.  It's time she moves in with SSA lover, why are both of you slowing this transition?  Have you worked out living arrangements?  Are you keeping your home or is she?  If she is, then you need to move or be making preparations to do this. 

Once your divorce is final, who says you can't go out?  Especially when your kids are with your ex. So what if it's not with a woman.  You don't want to do the rebound thing and have that relationship end.  That will be worse for you. Get out and date, make it clear up front you're just interested in a platonic relationship and just want to have some fun, meet new people. Call friends to get together to go to the movies and dinner with.  Ladies get your gf's together and go on a weekend shopping trip and dinner. Have potlucks at your home with single church members. Call a single guy from church who might like a night out of the house or on their day off. Get tickets to go to sports events you might like or a concert. You guys could be each other's wing man's. Go to local festivals, fairs, and events, free concerts in your area. Take up a hobby, go take classes or seminars to learn more on this hobby. Become a volunteer for something that you hold dear to your heart.  Such as working for the American Red Cross they need volunteers all the time or habitat for humanity if you have types of skills they are in desperate need of. Go take dance lessons. As a woman I find it very sexy that a man can dance. Trust me you'll find single women in a dance studio. Offer your time for no kill pet shelters, things like this. You'll meet new women and who knows they might turn out to be the one.  You're off on a whole new great adventure just for you. Make the most of it and everyone else here. Don't look at this as the end but a new beginning none of you would have had if all of this hadn't come to light. Yes, this door has closed but over time a new one will open if you want it too.  In the meantime prepare yourselves to open this new door.  Have fun with it.

One of the hardest things for me was doing things on my own.  My ex wasn't around.  He had visitation and only acted on this once or twice then he stopped coming.  That nearly killed my son that his dad wasn't there for him.  He is an alcoholic and was a hard core drug addict; plus he has suffered from PTSD due to his military service in Vietnam and he was an abused child. I've also suspected for years he is a bisexual closeted male. Coming to this site and reading these stories have helped me determine that I'm right on this. Many of the women on this site their husbands and my own exhibited the very same type of behaviors.  I'm not delusional in the fact my divorce was for different reasons of abandonment and lack of support.  I'm not interested in getting married but to have male friends to share my life with to get out and have fun. I told my son his dad didn't have the ability to take care of himself let alone his son while he was growing up. I explained it wasn't safe for him to be with his dad, he was abusive because of the drugs. I also reassured our son that his dad did love him, in my heart I knew this to be true, he just couldn't be there for him.  My son is now in his 30's.  Low and behold who appeared on my front porch a year and half ago.  My ex.  He wanted to reconnect with our son.  I took his number and contacted our son for him to make the decision regarding his dad. I told him to take the high road and forgive and he could at least meet with his dad to make up his own mind but to leave me out of it. They are very close today. In the long run, I made the right decisions even though they were lonely and hard for me. I did what was best for my son and I'm proud that I did. 

I need to be blunt here over the touch thing you keep mentioning.  You have got to accept she no longer desires your touch and it will make her very uncomfortable for you to touch her if she is a lesbian.  She can't returned the type of touch you desire from her and if you keep trying to make her do this she might become hostile and make your divorce and the things you'd like out of your divorce not so agreeable.  You do need distance now for your own sake and sanity. You needing touch is your humanity, we all need it.  You just need it from another hetero woman.  I caution you to be careful here because of the rebound thing.  I'd talk to other men about this in your divorce group, I'm sure they are feeling the same thing and can help talk you through this. 

Best of luck to you.  I look forward to reading about your progress.  I hope some of my suggestions help all of those here. 


   
 

whatasham24 wrote:

"One day someone is going to hug you so tight, all your broken pieces will be put back together again."
 

That's fantastic!  I love that quote. 

Another quote that struck a chord with me recently is this one:
"The depth of your grief is equal to your ability to love" - In other words, the incredible pain you feel in this low time is a sign that you are capable of such an intense love in your high time.   It makes me feel better about how hard this has hurt me.  If it didn't hurt so much that would mean that I lack the capability of truly and greatly loving someone. 


I can't wait for that day. 

She is at home for a few reasons. 
1.)  When entering divorce, the worst thing you can do is move out of the family home.  This can be called abandonment and will harm chances of child custody in a disputed divorce. 
2.)  We both want as much time as possible with the kids
3.)  Until just recently she was under the impression that she was going to keep the house.  I was not planning to move for the two reasons above.  Now she has decided with my strong agreement that I am going to keep the house.  So she is going to find a new house.  I'm refinancing the house now so that I can clear the debt out of her name so that she can qualify for her own mortgage. 

I don't want to kick her out.  I don't want to fight.  I don't want to have the kids see us hurt each other.  I want her to be stable and have these changes come smoothly so that she's capable of being a great mother to my boys. 

 

Rob wrote:

Always hopeful I am. I did get this far..out if the closet..
I'm trying to heal..we're divorced and separated finally. I try to look forward but the ex for all she wanted and got seems stuck in hatred of me. Each day I wait for some new mean thing. Some new accusation or hurtful thing.

Really puts a damper on my healing. In a sentence ..what part of the word divorce didn't she understand...this is what she wanted. Why is she still trying to hurt me?...I have nothing left to give nor do I owe her the time of day. They say these narcissist take their need to hurt to the grave.

An example..if her birthday is coming up..a normal kind person might just send a text happy birthday. But if I do that I open myself up to all kinds of nasty replies. If I don't send a happy birthday I feel I'm not kind...because the years together meant something to me. Just basic peace between us is all I want..instead I've been no contact else I get meanness similar to my years in hell divorcing her...which what Im trying to heal from.. I would rather die than go through that again.

So im hopeful but still have daggers coming at me even though we're divorced and seperated.

Rob, 

Sorry for being blunt.. .  I forget, do you have kids?  Is that the reason why you are still in contact with her?  If not, then I don't understand why you haven't blocked her on your phone and completely erased her from your life. 

You've been divorced from her for a while, but you are still very angry, very hurt and hung up on her.  What can you do to start healing from this?  You have been through this longer than I have..  I think you have the wisdom and knowledge to know what you need to do..  What is that?  What's stopping you from healing and moving on?

I ask because I care about you.  I want to see you get past her and start a new chapter.. a happy chapter. 
I also want to learn from you and get some experience so that when i reach your stage.. post-divorce and separate, I can move on and disconnect as much as possible.  I know that I will have to co-parent, so I will have some contact with her for the next 10 years+..  but I'm hoping to reach a point where she isn't a painful sign of lost love, but rather, just the mother of my boys and someone that i will work with to try to raise them. 

 

Agreed. I know you can't block her on your phone because of the kids, but as someone earlier suggested, sorry, forgot who, you can continue to respond to those texts by telling her you aren't playing her game anymore if they don't directly involve kid talk. She may get pissed but I guarantee she'll stop. If they don't, just delete, delete.  Who gives a crap what she thinks anymore?? She's someone else's problem now.