Thank you!

Isn't it amazing how similar all of our stories are.  It doesn't really matter if our spouses are male or female, most of them seem to happen the same way.  The only differences are the number of years it takes and whether or not they commit adultery before or after they finally admit the truth. 

i guess it depends on how we then decide how we deal with this and move on with our lives.  I hope to come out the other side quickly and find a better life.  

Last edited by lostdad (September 16, 2016 2:21 pm)

Thanks John. 

I am hoping to get this divorce completed as quickly and painlessly as possible.  I need to move on with my life.  I have realized that I can't save my marriage because I can't change her and I can't force her to love me.  So I need to move on, heal, and find someone else. 

I understand your take on mediation and your concerns over my soon to be ex's honesty and integrity.  I am walking on egg-shells as well.  I will continue down the path of amicable mediation until she proves to me that it will not work.  So far things have been working as planned. 

I reviewed the divorce papers that she filed.  She filled them out "mostly" as we agreed.  She stated "joint" custody of the kids (both legal and physical).  While it didn't specifically state 50/50 time, I think that is the intent and we will define the specific schedule in more detail as the process goes forward. 
She also stated NO to alimony or spousal support, which is in line with what we have discussed. 

Their were a couple small issues that I will file disagree to in my response.  They are regarding division of assets and I think are more in the way things are worded.  I think we will be able to work things out at the mediation center. 

I have 3 weeks to file my response. 
We have a meeting in two months with the friend of the court to discuss child custody and attend a mandatory meeting with a video on co-parenting. 
In 4 months we have our first meeting with the judge.  At this time I hope to have our mediation completed and in full agreement and have filed a settlement agreement.  Even though my state requires 6 months waiting period if you have kids, I have heard that some judges will waive the last couple months if everything is already settled and no arguments remain between the parties. 

So I'm hoping to be done with this in Jan.. worst case March. 


This sucks so much!!!!   But given the horrible circumstances and the terrible pain of rejection, I think my path forward is encouraging and this divorce can remain amicable and be less painful and expensive than most divorces. 

The part I am still struggling with is waiting to find someone else.   That is the only thing that gives me an optimism for my future right now.  I just want so badly to find someone new to be with.  Someone to love and be loved by.  I want that right now.. not in 4 months..  not in a year and 4 months.  I will obviously wait until my divorce is final and then probably for a little while after that...  But when can I find someone new?  When will I be "ready" or "healthy"?  What if I've known that my marriage was doomed for a long time and have gone through the grieving process already?   Ugh.. I guess I have at least 4 more months to consider this.. and then we'll see where I am. 
 

Hi lost dad,

I hope things work out for your mediation.

The bitter truth here is that you need to go no contact. I understand you miss contact and intimacy. But getting it from someone who has abiused you is not good. Going no contact gives you perspective on the reality of your former partner, allows to grieve and rebuild on YOUR terms. Also puts you in better place so that when you are with someone else and you'll be better able to appreciate how much better your life is.
Bottom line this is a tough but necessary part of the process of rebuilding the happier you.
Don't build your house on sand
Good luck

CES wrote:

Laurence wrote:

Hi lost dad,

I hope things work out for your mediation.

The bitter truth here is that you need to go no contact. I understand you miss contact and intimacy. But getting it from someone who has abiused you is not good. Going no contact gives you perspective on the reality of your former partner, allows to grieve and rebuild on YOUR terms. Also puts you in better place so that when you are with someone else and you'll be better able to appreciate how much better your life is.
Bottom line this is a tough but necessary part of the process of rebuilding the happier you.
Don't build your house on sand
Good luck

This. It's been hard for me to come to grips with the reality that my wife just doesn't like me any more. I have looked for my needs to be met in her, and she is just not interested. Do yourself a favor and detach emotionally, she already has and is probably looking at you unfavorably because of your neediness (and I totally get that brand of neediness).

I can appreciate the "house on the sand" reference.  I'm certainly not looking for long term love and affection here. It is quite obvious I'm not going to get that.   I guess I'm just looking for some short term crumbs to help me get through the day.  I'm looking for a sign that she doesn't hate me..  because I did nothing wrong.  She has agreed with that and has said so herself.  She says she still "loves me" and cares for me and wants nothing but the best for me.  She says that I was a wonderful husband, but I just can't make her happy anymore.  

So if I didn't do anything wrong and didn't hurt her and didn't cheat on her and I haven't changed.. In fact I've shown her incredible grace through this saga.  I've haven't raised my voice to her once.  I haven't insulted her, hurt her feelings or said anything mean to her.  So why has she changed in this mild bit of affection?  I'm not asking for sex.. just compassion.  I don't understand why she is uncomfortable with this if I didn't do anything to make her uncomfortable. 

I guess I will have to learn to detach from her touch entirely.. it will just make things that much harder for me in the short term. 

That was hard too..  when she stopped coming near me physically...not even a hug or basic contact. ..but
hey I'm not cheating.  I can remember it all.    Really hard... how can someone deny a spouse of decades basic human affection and, in my case, she stopped basic human etiquette and conversation also.
Really cruel and heartless but as I looked back now  it happened. 
Lostdad,  as least she doesn't sound totally evil or totally heartless yet..at least you can still speak to each other.    I wouldn't expect much else..definitely not any physical contact.     No detach is the word..as hard as it sound shes has already detached.    Really hard when we lived on their hugs and affection for years.    

That's why we end our posts with hugs...because we know one does not get them anymore  but deserves them.

A sincere guy hug  (virtual but authentic)


 

Last edited by Rob (September 19, 2016 5:38 pm)