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- phoenix
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Re: How do I survive this?
This afternoon is going to be awful.. We are going to tell the boys.
We talked last night a little bit about what to say. I told her that I'm still uncomfortable saying that I agree with this decision. She suggested we just say that "We don't love each other in the same way". I guess this is true. She doesn't love me in the same way that I love her.
At some point they are going to ask "WHY".. and then I hope she will be honest and upfront with them.. It will still be general and i'm sure it's not appropriate to talk about sexuality with them.. But I think she might say that she wants to be in love with another woman and not a man.
We will see. I'm trusting that God will get me through this and give me wisdom and clarity on what I should say to protect the best interest of the boys, but not compromise my integrity.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- Dee
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Re: How do I survive this?
Sending you strength, your boys are lucky to have have such a loving and invested dad.
- phoenix
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Re: How do I survive this?
I'm so heartbroken for my boys. I know that they have mere hours left of the life they have known. After today everything changes for them. The innocence and joy and stability they have always known will be changed. They will have to deal with stress and issues that no 10 and 7 year old is equipped or prepared for. Life as a child ends today. Now they have to grow up and experience the fear of the unknown, the loss of our family unit, and the responsibility of having to be with two separated parents that they love equally but not together.
I'm so crushed.
I just pray they don't suffer long term issues. I've heard so many stories about suicide attempts and long term depression, drug use, cutting and other horrible things. God help them!!!
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
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Thread Starter- selfrenewal
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Re: How do I survive this?
LostDad, your situation is heartbreaking. I pray it turns out the best way possible.
I do know kids are very resilient, more so than adults. Just do your best and take it as it comes. No one knows how they'll react, and.all you can do is love them and provide guidance.
I sending you and your kids strength, love and hope. I wish you the best.
- whatasham24
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Re: How do I survive this?
Lostdad, JKpeace & selfrenewal are right, children are very resilient and an 11 & 8 y/o will especially follow suit to the parent's attitude. They are watching you & waiting for cues & will do as well as you in coping with change, trauma & grief. You 3 sound very close, count your blessings you were a strong unit, with faith, going into this. In time you 3 amigos will be even stronger 
Wishing you strength during this heartache.
- Dixie
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Re: How do I survive this?
Lostdad, I sincerely believe that your crushing heartache need not be your children's experience. They are young and will simply not understand the split in the same way as you. They will adjust much better and faster than you imagine. It is YOU who will suffer and hurt. I am so sorry that you face this but you need to know that your kids will be okay as long as you support them emotionally. This means taking care to do your own grieving away in private and being "okay" in their presence.
- Rob
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Re: How do I survive this?
My kids are doing great..or I should say are doing better than I expected. The younger one has to go back and forth between us but I give him a lot of credit because he's doing a great job.
Can I look at my kids and not cry..most of the time.but.it's so easy to look at their current and future problems and know my lezex caused all of it. I know she will tell god and anyone else how I was responsible for it ..that I am not blameless. But then I know in my bones,while not perfect, I kept all my vows and promises..that I could not have been kinder to her.
My kids lost their way of life but did not lose their mom or dad. My fierce love they will never lose..it is absolute as is my word..I say what mean and I do what I say.
Last edited by Rob (August 27, 2016 10:23 pm)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- phoenix
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Re: How do I survive this?
Friday afternoon and this weekend were very very hard on me.
We sat in a circle on the living room floor and explained to the boys that "mommy and daddy don't love each other the same way anymore and will be getting a divorce". We explained that it wasn't there fault at all. That they would always have their beds to sleep in and the same school to go to. We explained that we will always love them most and that will never change.
I cried during the conversation. The boys both gave me hugs and said "it'll be ok daddy". My older boy said it about 10 times while I hugged him and sobbed. I felt bad putting that burden to console me on him.. but I couldn't help it.
I didn't throw her under the bus.. I let her give the reason (quoted above). But I'm hoping that she will be more honest with them in the future. Each of them asked why a few times and she dodged the question. I told her it wasn't fair to dodge that question, she needs to be honest with them. She seemed like she would do that.. but we will see.
They actually seem to be doing pretty well. They have moments of sadness and say that they wish we didn't have to go through a divorce. When they say it, the say "we" to include themselves. That makes me so sad, but it's true. They have to go through it just like we do.
But, for the most part they played a lot and seemed ok most of the weekend.
I was angry with my wife because we both agreed to spend the entire weekend with them. But not even 24 hours later she left to go "grocery shopping" for 3+ hours and admitted later she was with her mistress "crying a lot". She said she had noone else to go to. I reminded her that I love her more than anyone in the world, but apparently i'm noone now.
So when i realized her grocery trip wasn't just a grocery trip i took the boys out for the evening. We saw a movie, went to their favorite restaurant for dinner, then a park to play at. We got home just before bedtime. Sunday morning we went to church.. invited mom, but she declined of course. We did our normal trip to Costco and got lunch. She tried to get them to go with her to an air-show at a local community airport on Sunday afternoon, but they both said no to her. She was really mad/sad. Oh well...
She said she's filing the divorce papers next week. That makes me sad because it adds another layer of reality, but I guess after telling the boys, I realized that my hopes that this wouldn't happen have been dashed. So, the sooner the better at this point.
She wants to sit down tonight and go through everything so that we can find agreement and not have to go to lawyers and spend a bunch of money and fight with each other. I agree to that, but I know this won't be easy because there are a couple of financial issues that we will have strong disagreements on.
Ugh.. it's going to be a really hard road. I guess i'm encouraged by the boys so far. But I know that they don't fully understand the concept. it's going to take a long time for it to sink in and for them to really process and deal with this.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
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Thread Starter- Dee
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Re: How do I survive this?
It's ok that your kids saw you cry, you are human after all. I sobbed my way through the same conversation, your heart is breaking for them. The important part is that you are there for them and keeping a familiar routine right now and reassuring them. Now, to be blunt, she's already left your marriage, don't expect her to get comfort from you and don't look to her for it, like you said, the sooner the better. And I can tell from your posts you still want to accommodate her on many levels, but watch your back, there is someone else in the picture now, and you need to look out for yourself and your kids. And having an attorney doesn't necessarily mean spending thousands and thousands of dollars as long as you agree to a framework. If nothing else, you could go for a free consultation, it will give you the information you need to make decisions going forward.
- Daryl
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Re: How do I survive this?
Truth is important. Their understanding will grow as they grow and mature so it's best to keep it age appropriate but honest. Any agreement you make should be looked over so that it makes it through the legal process without needing revision.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer