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July 15, 2018 11:22 am  #271


Re: How do I survive this?

Hi Elisa, sorry you find yourself here but you have found some kindred spirits who also know the turmoil you now face. Step One - breath. This is a lot to take in all at once. Worry about getting through the next few days. Considering what happens next week, month or year can wait for the moment.

Don't be afraid to say to your spouse that you need some space to reflect on this. He may be ready to move on but he's had years to dwell on this. You haven't.

I would also suggest a few other things.
- Make your own thread here in the support section so you can collect all your thoughts and other members responses in the one place.
- Read up on other threads, especially the ones that seem similar to you. (Sounds like you're already doing this.)
- If you haven't seen it yet, have a look at the 1st Aid Kit. It's still a work in progress but it's an attempt to try to gather as much helpful information as possible, in one place, for new members or anyone who wishes to remain unknown. The very first post is all you need to review, the thread below it is mostly debate on what should be in post # 1. The thread is here ...

http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=1217

Take care of yourself and please don't hesitate to post more.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

July 16, 2018 4:39 am  #272


Re: How do I survive this?

Thank you Phoenix...that was helpful. I have posted up my own thread now. I am so relieved to find this group here. I am in UK...not much support here for us, but lots for the coming out GBLT partner.

 

July 16, 2018 9:12 am  #273


Re: How do I survive this?

Elisa, 
I'm so glad you are here.  I'll read and post in your new thread so we can focus on helping you through this.  I am glad to know that you have found some value in my lengthy record of my process. 
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
     Thread Starter
 

September 4, 2018 1:02 pm  #274


Re: How do I survive this?

Update time again.   I am excited to share how my life has changed this summer. 

I fear that my happiness might be a trigger for others, but I want to continue my "blog" here with real updates on how my life has progressed and I hope that the good news I can share will provide optimism for others.  

I spoke of "a special someone" in my last post in July.  That someone has become very special.   We have spent a ton of time together this summer and I am so blessed to have her in my life.   We are developing an incredible bond and I pray that this will continue.  I am the type of person who dates with a purpose.  My purpose is to find a partner for the rest of my life.  Thus far she seems to be a fantastic match for that goal.  We both have kids to consider and we need to continue learning more about each other and exploring our relationship before we can really make a decision about permanence.   But for now, I am so excited by the possibilities. 

I'm happy to share this with my family here on the SSN forum because I'm excited to talk about it.   But I also hope that those who are struggling through dark times will see some optimism in my story that will help them keep going.  

The blessing of finding love after TGT is unbelievable.  Some of the veterans here have said over and over that finding an authentic, heterosexual partner after having been with a closet gay or lesbian is the most amazing experience.   I can now confirm that to be true.  It's just awesome!   I suppose most people assume that I'm referring to physical intimacy.  I'm still reserving some level of intimacy for marriage, but what I have experienced has been a revelation.  It's so completely amazing to feel desired.  To have your partner actually initiate intimacy rather than "tolerate you" or reject you..  wow!    But being with an authentic partner has so much more to it than physical touch.  There is just a noticeable difference in the atmosphere and lack of tension.  There is a different feel to the love in this relationship.  It doesn't feel limited..  like the love that was shared only as far as it benefited my ex.   I don't feel like score is being kept or a list of offenses is being tallied.  I don't feel like her kindness comes with strings attached or guilt trips at a later date.  I don't feel like I'm with someone with multiple personality disorder..  where the person I'm with in private is different than the person I'm with in public.  My friends tell me how amazing this new person vs. politely hiding their concerns over my ex's awkwardness.  

Sorry to sound like I'm gushing..    I'm really trying to highlight some of the things that you should all expect someday in the future when/if you are ready for a new relationship.  Wait to see how it feels to be with a real person.  Not someone lying about their hidden sexuality and living a false life and trying to control you to hide their secret.  It is amazing!!!

One last comment.   As amazing as this is for me right now..  I would encourage everyone to give it proper time to get to this stage.  I'm over 2 years from d-day and nearly 2 years from divorce.  This might be too soon for some people or too long for others.  Either way, I think it is absolutely required to spend time being single and healing and becoming a healthy and whole person before you are ready to find a new partner.  Please don't find a person to date just to fill a hole in your life.  Put in the work to fill those holes yourself.  Then you will be ready to share your whole and healthy self with another whole and healthy person.  

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
     Thread Starter
 

September 4, 2018 5:16 pm  #275


Re: How do I survive this?

I'm so happy for you, Phoenix!  You really are reborn from the ashes.
Your experience gives me hope that life after TTT (the trans thing) might be even better than I am experiencing it to be (and what I've got now is WAY better than the life I was living with my closeted spouse).
 Congratulations.  You so deserve this happiness.  

 

September 5, 2018 6:08 am  #276


Re: How do I survive this?

Thank you OOHC.   I appreciate the kind words and I do hope that my happiness gives you an expectation of the same. Hope is so important!   


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
     Thread Starter
 

September 6, 2018 7:10 am  #277


Re: How do I survive this?

This is truly something to hope for in the future. I am so very happy that you have found this. In reading your wonder of what this amazing relationship has done for you and what is different for you has also made me realize some of what I have been living through and hadn't acknowledged yet. So, for me, it is not only giving me hope for the future, but awareness in my present. Many blessings on your life and more to come :-)

 

September 6, 2018 1:43 pm  #278


Re: How do I survive this?

You give us hope phoeinx! Congrads! You deserve the best!


Life is like phases of the moon.... We really only see it when it's beautiful, full and in our face. 
 

September 6, 2018 1:55 pm  #279


Re: How do I survive this?

Nobody could be anything other than delighted for you Phoenix. I’m so glad you are finding happiness again. Celebrate it!

 

October 9, 2018 2:58 pm  #280


Re: How do I survive this?

eelizabeth wrote:

Hi there I'm new to this I don't normally go on these type of things but I need some help or advice. My bf when we dated he told me a year into our relationship that he doesn't feel like he's a man and always wanted to be a woman. By then I was in love he treats me good, and never had this connection before with anyone. He said he didnt know if he'd ever transition so I let him know I was uncomfortable and he never really talked about it again. Till this week and we've been together 3 years now he said he wants to transition maybe a few years after having a child....This scares me I know from what I read I should support him. However, I am not lesbian I don't swing that way, he wants to have intimacy with me by using a strap on on me and I don't want that. I like the connection we have sexually now. Whenever I think about losing him in that way I start crying. I told him I don't want that and I think it is kinda selfish of him to try to persuade me I think I may be able to stay with him but sexually I really don't think I can do that for him, I'm also afraid he's going to change his personality...I feel so lost and don't know what to do. He tells me he hates his body but he likes me going down on him, and even told me he enjoys sex with me so I don't understand why he wants to change and both of us suffer. I could prolly use a strap on on him even with being uncomfortable with it if it makes him happy. what do I do? any advice or is our relationship doomed? 

Hi eelizabeth, 

Welcome to our group.  I'm sorry you are going through this. 
I would encourage you to start a new thread of your own so that everyone can see and share some advice and compassion with you. 

My advice..   When a person shows you their true self - believe them.  Do you want to be with a gay/trans man for the rest of your life?   Do you want to be uncomfortable with intimacy?  Do you want to lack trust with the most important person in your life?  Do you want to raise kids knowing your marriage will struggle and it could end at any time when he finally decides he needs to be with a man?  
Run away my friend.  Read the hundreds of threads on this forum and see the common theme that we all wish we could go back in time and see the signs.  We would all run away if we could.  You have the chance now..  take it!

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
     Thread Starter
 

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