Hey Phoenix
I was reading through the posts and I'm so sorry to hear you are still hurting...
when you and your wife met were you good friends?
Can you hold onto that friendship for the kids? Don't hate her new lover hate is a harsh thing and will only make it worse for you... And you won't be able to let her go...
This is not your fault and you have done nothing wrong it is her problem and her baggage, you need to let her go and let her take the weight off you.

Acceptance was the hardest thing for me with my husband and we still love each other, it is just another form of love..
It was the hardest day when my he came home to clean his stuff out of the house, we sat on the step and we talked and cried together, he hated being gay, it wasn't what he wanted but it was what was.

I wish I could reach out and give you a big hug as it does suck what these people do to the other person when they are trying to find themselves.

Just remember you are a good person and keep telling yourself that.

 

Phoenix,
 I hope this brought you a measure of peace.
 If I were to tell my stbx I forgive him what I would hear in return is that he has done nothing wrong--but that I have hurt him.  I don't think this is likely to change.  

Wow..  today marks 2 years since my ex admitted that she was a lesbian. 

2 years!

I remember those first days and weeks so vividly.  I didn't know how I was going to survive.  I was in more mental pain and anguish than I could imagine possible. 

But I got through it..   one day at a time.. sometimes one hour at a time. 

I'm so grateful for this forum..  This group of people who were there to offer me hope and wisdom and encouragement. 


So now I'm 2 years past that trauma..  time to check in again and keep this account going. 

I'm so happy with my life and so optimistic about the future. 
My kids are doing amazing. I kept my house and have managed to make it a bachelor pad and even keep up with cleaning. I've gotten even more into my hobby of sports cars.. only now with zero guilt about the time spent on it.  I got into photography and videography and now make youtube videos about car events and projects - it's so much fun!    I go out with friends at least 3x a week and am much more social than I was before.  I'm involved in leadership and participation in a church bible study, the SSN and a large car discussion forum.  I travel a lot - since my divorce I've been to India, Florida, California, Colorado, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, New York, and am currently planning future trips to Tennessee, Arizona and Columbia/Peru and Israel.  Most exciting - I have recently found a "special someone" that I'm excited to see what develops with in the future.  

I still remember all of the pain vividly, but I don't feel it very strongly or very often anymore.  It's in the back of my mind now rather than the front.  I still have full empathy and compassion for everyone here in this group and I can feel there pain, but my own has subsided so much.  
I no longer pine away wishing for justice or fairness or waiting for an apology that would possibly make me feel better.  I just don't care about her anymore.  at all.  In fact, I heard she got married a couple months ago to the homewrecker she left me for.  It disrupted my day for only a short time and I wound up being more frustrated that it bothered me than actually bothered by the realization.  

So.. for those still reading along, I want to convey a message of hope to you:   It gets better!  
The experience is difficult and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but through the trials I have transformed.  I'm happier now because I'm a better person, formed into something better by the pressure and pain of that experience.  Having experienced the worst helps me appreciate much more the good that I have in life today.  I'm happier because of it. 

A dear friend shared a poem with me last week.  Hopefully noone minds the religious angle to it, but I think we can all understand and appreciate message.

In the valley I grow

Sometimes life seems
hard to bear, 
full of sorrow, trouble and woe
It's then I have to remember
that it's in the valley I grow. 

If I always stayed on the
mountain top, 
and never experienced pain
I would never appreciate
God's love
and would be living in vain. 

I have so much to learn
and my growth is very slow
Sometimes I need the
mountain tops
but it's in the valley I grow
 

Thanks B-Strong!   My greatest hope is to help people find their own struggles a little easier to live through.

Phoenix
I just read your 1st post as lost dad. You said everything that I am now experiencing. I just found out yesterday my husband is gay and in a new relationship. He wants to leave me....he thinks that we can still be best friends and wants to support me....he just doesn't get how agonising this is.Like you I realise I have been in denial since he revealed a gay affair 15 years ago. But I also know that those 15 years have been full of happiness and fun. We have been together 33 years...he had been my rock, my best friend, my sole mate. I took a little solace from reading your progress and journey. Right now I am in bits, can't see anything ahead, can't stop crying. The pain is so intense. How can the person closest to me in my life be willing to just discard our marriage and hurt me so so much. I just hope I can move onwards as you have.