Thank you so much Rob and mare for the advice and encouragement. 

Doesn't truth deserve to be told?  If the shoe was on the other foot, I'd be pretty pissed if someone knew about my wife's actions and didn't tell me.  I'd be pretty unhappy if someone had resources to help me and didn't offer them.  

Doesn't he deserve truth?

Doesn't his wife deserve the truth to be told?  Shouldn't she learn that there are repercussions for her actions?  Can they just ride off into the sunset after destroying two families and not have to face the impact of their actions?

I don't think so..   I don't think telling the truth to people who deserve to know truth is a wrong action. 

I'm not saying I'm going to do anything..  Just saying what I believe right now. 

lostdad, I can read the anger and frustration in your post.  I don't know you, i can only speak from my very limited vantage point.   I think all of us here can identify with that feeling of wanting to scream from the rooftops all of the wrongs that were done to us, how unfair it is, and to make people "pay".  In the end, it's only exhausting and depleting to us.  Temporarily, it may feel good to share, but it spreads anger and frustration as well.  As far as I can read, you don't know the husband of your ex-wife's new partner. You are not friends or acquaintances.  Unfortunately, if he knows, you are sharing the same pain.  If he doesn't, you'll be the messenger of a horrible secret.  Why carry that responsibility?  Why is it that burden yours to bear?  
You wrote: Doesn't truth deserve to be told?  Yes.  Absolutely.  Perhaps not by you, to him. If the shoe was on the other foot, I'd be pretty pissed if someone knew about my wife's actions and didn't tell me. Agreed, I am sure there is a lot you both don't know, but again I would ask, how is it your responsibility to stir that pot?  I'd be pretty unhappy if someone had resources to help me and didn't offer them.  Yes, but you don't know if he knows and don't know him as a friend or acquaintance, and have no idea of his emotional state.  You only  know yours, that you are hurt and pissed.  I can totally understand having the need to have someone to lean on that you feel is in the same situation, but it seems like this is less support and more revenge. 

Doesn't he deserve truth? Of course he does, and it will be his ex-wife's to tell, if he doesn't already know and is dealing with it on his own.  

Doesn't his wife deserve the truth to be told? This anger could be placed in a more positive direction of taking care of yourself.  Scarlet Lettering his wife isn't going to do much for her.  She likely believes she did the right thing and was truthful.  Shouldn't she learn that there are repercussions for her actions?  How do you know what her actions were in their marriage/relationship?  You only know yours.  You are not the relationship police for their relationship.  Again, she is not the only one who was part of this; your ex was as well.  Can they just ride off into the sunset after destroying two families and not have to face the impact of their actions?  Looking back, that is the first time you said "they" instead of "she", referring to your ex as a couple instead of the villiain of your ex's new partner.  I agree with Rob; yes, they can and have rode off into the sunset together.  It happens.  All too much as we've seen. Our own hurt and feelings of betrayal are totally justified.  They did cheat, they did lie, they did destroy.  But for them, they may feel they did nothing wrong.  That they did the right thing by finally telling the truth.  That being together openly and honestly is better (for them).  That living a lie was not the right or moral thing to do (to them).  For us, we look at the surreal sense of what life has become and often ask, "Who does this to someone they love?? (and then we doubt they did love us)" They have and will face the consequence of their actions, because they have to live with themselves every time one of the kids has behavior issues, every time they think about their former spouses (they will and do), and everytime they miss their old life and all of the good things they had (there were good times).  Carrying that torch to burn their house down will become depleting and exhausting for you, and that energy could be used to do something good----for yourself, and your kids.  Figure out what that good is, because it isn't carrying around someone else's pain, secrets, and anger.  It's horribly painful. 

I don't think so..   I don't think telling the truth to people who deserve to know truth is a wrong action. You're right.  But you are assuming he doesn't know the truth.  And for whatever reason feel you need to be the messenger to destroy your ex's new love and their relationship.  I'm afraid that won't work.  All that will occur is more pain if you are met with the emotions that come out when you become the messenger of a horrific delivery.  

I'm not saying I'm going to do anything..  Just saying what I believe right now. Keep saying it.  Vent it out here!  May I share something that worked for me?  I found tremendous relief in creating a blog that wasn't public, and wrote letters to him, to myself, to his family, to our friends, basically everything I was feeling.  I never sent emails, I never sent letters.  But wow, it felt great to get it out.  I then printed my pages and put them in a fire pit and watched them burn.  It was amazing how just getting those words out and re-reading what I wrote offered comfort.    Since you are a religious person, you may want to look around your area and see if you can find a burning bowl ceremony on New Year's Eve.  Usually Unitarian churches do them. It's a tremendous way of letting things go and a certain concept of looking to the future. Lots of reflection and prayer.  I've gone every year to this ceremony for the last 15 years.  That's after I found out they actually had something like that.    I've also found tremendous relief in visiting whack a mole at Chuck-E-Cheese (and I don't even have kids!), throwing a bowling ball down an alley, and hitting golf balls at a driving range.  I just needed all that anger to go somewhere. 

lostdad, you'll find your way.  I wish you peace.  
 

"...I'll update again after she moves out.  My scientific mind is interested in seeing how I feel when she does move out.  Will I be depressed because it's the final nail in the coffin for our relationship?  Will I be incredibly lonely?  Or, will I feel more relief and freedom than anything negative?...."


Probably a bit of all those emotions.  One can not engineer a fix to TGT...something my ex revels in.   There is no science going on here..only hurt, betrayal, lack of morality.

My ex long ago discarded me physically. ..I recall crying myself to sleep next to her in those days and she would not give me any physical comfort.

Now I would not want to touch her in anyway.. one does not hug such a being capable of such evil. Not unless one has low self worth.

Truth is I'm incredibly lonely..incredible loneliness. 
But desperation for someone is not something I want to base a relationship on.  I don't trust myself...I don't want to find myself in a relationship where I dismiss bad treatment because I'm lonely.  I don't need that...alone is better.  Only my god and myself protect me now.

I think you'll do much better when she is out.  I remind myself it was not the nail in the coffin..that nail was hammered long ago when our spouses chose to cheat, hurt and continue to do it.
Perhaps when they kept their secret marrying us. 

I'm with you in the journey. ..a bit lost but still here and  finding my way.

jjrab8486 wrote:

Your story is almost exactly word for word like mine. I'm in the same boat as well. The one thing that bothers me is that she says you're being selfish with your emotions. That is a load of crap. You are entitled whatever emotions you need to feel. That's only thing I can think of to say to you. I am on antidepressants and anti-anxiety medicine and sleeping medicine. Then get only four hours of sleep. I had to start taking medication because my drinking was out-of-control. The one thing I need and you need to do is take it day by day and not think too hard in the distant future. Maybe even moment by moment. Stay strong and good luck.

Thanks JJ.  I think that's all we can do..  take things one day at a time and take care of ourselves.  We will survive.. it's just not easy and not fair.  

Lostdad,

"..I got nothing at all.   She didn't even look at me when she said goodbye to our sons and walked out of the house.  Not a single word or care.  ".

So sorry...  Their leaving like this is their gay narcissism.   I honestly don't know how they do it..how they live with themselves but they do..   This is the difference between us and them...I even think it has nothing do to with being gay.  To hurt us like they are doing takes a special lack of values and morality.    I think their leaving in the way they do reaffirms in their head how that they are right and we are wrong.   My ex,
just to make it more hurtful,  took the kids with her when she left as to maximize the hurt.
She was all about maximum hurt and destruction...

Do not look for an "i'm sorry" or explanation... you will not get it.       Do you/we deserve a letter...yes.     I got a letter when we were divorcing. I will burn it at some point...there was no sorry  (if I look back she never said sorry once in the 2 decades we were married).   No, my letter was all made up reasons why we were divorcing  (not that she was gay and having an affair)...ie.  you never took out the trash   (I most certainly did)...  all tiny stuff you would not divorce someone about...when I tried to talk to her about this  I was met with rage....how she wrote a nice letter and I was contesting it.  But the letter was not really that nice ...placing all the blame on me.   So  I would not lament not getting a letter;  writing it down does not make it true or right.

I was sad when she left sure.. but she had been so cruel and mean, and things were so tense between us, that when she left there was an immediate sense of calm...her made up drama was removed from my life..the physical fear.    I'm only just getting used to feeling safe in my home.

You'll get more used to it.    I will admit there is a "nail in the coffin" or "it really happened" effect to them being gone..the destruction is front and center.    But they were mentally and emotionally gone long before they moved out.     They chose this a long time ago when they cheated and when they hid their gayness from us.
This is merely pomp and circumstance.

Let us know when and where the party is.

Last edited by Rob (January 11, 2017 2:52 pm)