OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
- Kel
- Member
Offline 
Re: Time for a seasonal check-in
I'm so sorry you're going through this. But the leverage is likely not going to work. Counseling is for people who admit they are in a place they don't like, and want to get somewhere else healthier - even if it's more difficult to do that than to stay in their current head space. If a person is fine with how they are, they don't have any reason to change.
Now,.... you CAN say that he cannot see his daughter unless he can prove that he's in counseling. That depends on your daughter's age, and whether he has rights to see her or not. And, of course, whether she wants to go along with that game plan. But even if he DOES start counseling, it won't do a lick of good if he's not being authentic about him being there, and how he hoped to change. Sitting in the counselor's chair makes you a changed person about as much as sleeping in the garage makes you a car. Without his actual buy-in, none of it will be worth one lick of good. I have a mentally ill son whom I had going to counseling for YEARS, and it did no good - because he didn't want to be there, didn't "believe" in counseling, etc. Unless the change is for themselves, counseling is useless. They have to be willing to get real about their situation, how they feel about it, and what they want to see changed. If they're not there - whether they're in counseling or not - nothing will change. Period.
I think the biggest thing I would do is tell him that if he threatens to mention suicide to his child again, he cannot have access to her. Because she can't save him anyway, but making her do all the work while he behaves like a child is NOT something he should be allowed to do. His behavior is complete bullshit, and 1000% self-serving. He's holding you hostage with his own life. Walk away from that. No one can save him but him anyway, but you don't need that kind of pressure.
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- walkbymyself
- Member
Offline
Re: Time for a seasonal check-in
My daughter is 22 and here's what she wants: she wants to get to a point where she can begin to repair her relationship with him, but before she can do that she needs to be really angry with him, and she won't be able to do that if she has to worry about him killing himself.
She's expressed this to me many times. She does not want to be angry with him forever. She wants to repair this relationship. But she can't do that if his response will be "don't make me talk about this or I might kill myself."
- OutofHisCloset
- Member
Offline
Re: Time for a seasonal check-in
Your daughter, I'm afraid, needs to recalibrate what she can expect from him and the process by which she can get to the point of repairing the relationship. Because any plan or process that depends on his acting in a certain way is bound to fail.
- Vee
- Member
Offline
Re: Time for a seasonal check-in
Hi All
Where am I at...... Well 17 months ago my world came crashing down round me and the shock of my husband coming out and living a double life of a gay man for many years was a sense of disbelief... After 26 years together I didn't even know the person I married.
Although I have picked myself up and got on with life there are days where you miss the past life you had with this person before you knew the truth... When these days present themselves I roll with the emotions they may be tears or just talking about things with a friend.
My progress has been amazing I have grown through the life experience, I have a new partner in my life which has helped me a lot, well not at the moment as he has cancer and is in hospital recovering from having it removed, taking care of him and giving him strength has really helped me through my own personal issues as 17 months ago I not only lost my husband I lost my sister....I thought there wasn't much more that could go wrong, I just rolled with it really and just had to deal with what life was putting in front of me. I thought that there were times when I really needed my husband but he wasn't there any more I thought I needed him by my side but in fact I was always a strong person and I didn't need him.
Healing takes time but if I keep on this positive road of taking care of me I'll be okay...
I send a big hug to everyone here who has had the same experience as me as the hurt is so deep you just can't explain until you share with others who have experienced it also.
Take care everyone
Vee
- Estella Oculus
- Member
Offline
Re: Time for a seasonal check-in
< deleted >
Last edited by Estella Oculus (February 11, 2019 4:34 pm)