Retired&lost,

It takes strength and faith...a bus load of each.

At some point I made the decision I'd be better off sleeping in my car than living another day with her constant lying cheating and demeaning behavior. I believe she called me garbage and nothing just to emphasize that I was worthless (but keep paying the bills).
She would even invite her girlfriend over the house if she knew I was working late. 
I would shake with trauma and basically decided as you are that the house, our life etc was all worthless without love and trust.  A house and marriage is made of the 2 people in it.

Have courage..gather strength and support where you can.  We must go through the valley.  But we are not citizens of the valley. We should not make our home in the gay abusive valley.  It will be a tough season but it does have an end.

Ehugs

Last edited by Rob (August 17, 2016 7:49 pm)

reading your post was like reading my history with my ex of 16yrs.  it may be difficult to walk away but know it can be done.  my divorce became final last november and now i am in control of this house, of me.

best of luck my friend!

I am feeling pretty "sane" today with a clear head(thank God)...I also got some sleep last night....I can see myself now doing much more PROACTIVE planning instead of REACTING to all this emotional toxic way of thinking.  I have an appt with a counselor next Friday and will be asking her how I can deal with the everyday stresses that this "situation" brings with it.  This is the most difficult for me and I'm grateful that I have and still hope to have this group as a sounding board.  There is much support and education to be had here with all the experiences we have endured so I've decided to stop all the drama with the REACTING to him and ensure I stay focused on MY goal which is to exit with my dignity and respect and all the values and expectations that were shattered living with someone like this.  The attitude I am having now is so much more PRODUCTIVE than the worrying IF or WHAT he is(GAY or BI) as Kel has mentioned in another post.  This should not be the focus of our energies....it is the betrayal of trust, the last 15 yrs living half truths, excuses, me walking on egg shells trying to appease a control freak and everything else that goes with it.​Yesterday, I had a mini melt down bc my roof is leaking under the porch ceiling and I don't have the money to fix it so arranged a few roofers to give me an estimate.  He blew a gasket bc I did something on my own without asking him first.....my attitude now is "oh well"....I was concerned about the money and have decided to sell the engagement ring he gave me 15 yrs ago bc I never wear it and it would  probably cover 1/2 the roof expense and probably return to work part time for the rest of the money I may need OR sell something else here I don't use....So things are not as bleak as I orig. experienced...I just want to say thanx to all of you for sharing your stories and especially offering suggestions and advice.  I know it has helped me through the roughest part of this recovery.  I know things will get difficult when the actual separation takes place but I'll have this soft place to fall when it gets unbearable.  I can't say thank you enough!