Kel, your story is VERY much like mine.  It raises A LOT of questions for me.  My marriage of 25 years also devoid of intimacy, sexual, emotional, spiritual.  No gentle looks, no soft or kind touches, no kind words, no meaningful or deep conversation.  For 25 years.  What we DID you, was spend a lifetime in and out of therapy (and he did get into recovery for his pot addiction) and way too much and time money.  I was dying a slow death from being starved of affection and he was...fine.  My basic needs of sex, kind words, physical touch and meaningful conversation were not being met and was the underlying reason we would end up in counseling.  When asked what he needed from me, "nothing" he was fine.  Looking back, I find it interesting that over the 25 years not one single therapist posed the question of his sexuality.  Perhaps because we did have occasional sex (anniversary and may 1 additional day in the year) and all his parts worked...I don't know, seems like someone should have at least asked that question.  5 years ago out then 16 year old dtr came out as "liking girls" and still he said nothing.  We have always been an accepting family:  we have gay and lesbian friends and family, so I do not understand his resistance to keeping me in the dark about his sexuality.  But anyway, I too, have suffered from my heart breaking into a million little pieces over and over again.  We were separated 1 time for 2 weeks about 10 years ago but I was scared and desperate to keep my marriage intact.  We separated again, just a year and a half ago (because my needs weren't being met, my very basic needs according to our therapist).  I was ready then for our marriage to be over.  But he started "pursuing me" asking me out on dates, we even had sex 1 time during the 3 month separation, per his request.  When the separation of 3 months had ended, (it had been a planned time and his job was to work on himself and his "issues" per our marriage counselor) he assured me, in a counseling session, that he wanted to be with me, that he missed me and that yes, he could meet my basic needs, forever, not for the usual 1 or so as he had historically over the course of our 30 years together.
It broke my heart, for you, Kel, when you mentioned seeing your ex happy with a man.  That you had never really seen him happy and that your marriage seemed to be invalidated.  I can 100% see that happening to me, in my situation.  My husband has little, if any, emotion~nothing makes him happy (well, pot used to be the 1 and only thing he every seemed to get excited about), although he says he's happy.  He has no passion around anything, never has and I always questioned that.  I suspect, the day will come when he will find out what happiness is (with a man I guess) and I imagine it will be maybe more painful then what I am experiencing now.  
I am left to wonder to myself, do I love him, and yes, I must think I do~I mean, he was never the kind of hurtful that would, I feel, lead me to hate him (not mean, just not anything), does that make sense?  Do I want him to one day find his happiness?  I suppose I would have to honestly say yes, because well, I do not look at him as a bad human.  He was a bad human for ME and caused me a lot of unnecessary pain and suffering, but, do I believe it was intentional?  No, I do not.  Do I believe he is a coward~YES.  
What I want, all I have ever wanted, was someone to think I am special and love me and show me that love.  I feel angry that he couldn't provide that to me and kept me in this sad and lonely marriage long after he knew he was gay and would never be able to love me as I needed, wanted and deserved to be loved.  For that, he is a coward!

Kel,
It's encouraging to hear that it's different being with someone that is straight.  Someone that is head over heals in love with you.  I too fear that I will now be more lonely than I was in my shitty marriage, so your words give me hope.  With hope I think anything is possible.
How long has it been since you divorced/found out about your gay spouse?  How long before you dated?  Fell in love?

So, it wasn't long at ALL!  As I said above, my gayxh and I started dating before we broke up.  He took forever to move out, and I dated a lot of that time.  Now,.... I use the term "dating" loosly - it was mostly just hook-ups. But I never hooked up with anyone who I didn't feel a connection with - meaning that we'd chatted online/texted for a while, then met, then went out, then started messing around.  After that, it was usually all going to their place for fun.  Still - I learned lots during that time, even if I wasn't really intending to.

There were several mini relationships mixed into my dating period.  Some were just kind of sex relationships. Others were people I had a lot of fun with, and then sex.  One or two were people I had more of a relationship with.  The second to the last one was really nice, but he didn't want to "label" our relationship after 3 months of exclusivity.  Go jump off a cliff, buddy.  I used a few dating sites to find these men - one was exclusively for lovers of BBP - Big, Beautiful People.  Or for people (like me) who are BBP's.  It was like fishing in a freaking barrel.  Holy COW.  I also used Craigslist occasionally - the Woman Seeking Men section.

I'd asked for a divorce in Jan. of 2010. By Aug. 1st of 2011, my ex finally left.  The guy who didn't want to label our relationship was pretty much during the summer of that year. By Sept., we were kind of done.  I floated along for a few months without looking for anyone, but honestly, I was still chatting with people from before.  On Thanksgiving, my kids went with my ex for our first holiday since being apart.  Now,..... my brother is a firefighter, so he had to work on Thanksgiving, and my family was celebrating the next day.  So while I was without my kids on a holiday, it was no big deal - my holiday would happen in 24 hours anyway.  But it got me to thinking about all those single dads out there who might be celebrating their first holiday alone, and how crushing that must feel.  And I thought, 'This might be a good night to put an ad out on CL."  It was 11 pm by that time.  I wrote the ad (no pic), and turned off my phone.  I knew if I started answering responses I'd be up all night.  IF I got any responses. Turns out that Thanksgiving evening is the single biggest night for online dating ads.  Who knew???  I woke up in the morning to 36 emails. The VERY last one - sent only moments before I'd woken up - was from my now husband.  I looked through the responses and weeded some people out.  Too far, or didn't have a job, or said weird things like, "You seem to be discreet".  I contacted a bunch of the others back, and gauged them.  Now, there may have been plenty of fine men in that group.  HOWEVER, if all you say in the first place is "Hi", and then I say hi back, and then you only say hi again, then you don't appear very bright or genial.  Done.  I settled on two men that I thought were interesting.  I went on dates with both of them.  I eliminated one after the first date when he told me that he'd "just stopped drinking", and that he hadn't cleaned his apartment in 9 years - because no one comes over anyway.  Ummmm, aren't we grown ups?  The other guy I chatted with for a day or so via text, then started talking to him via phone, and we talked for hours at night.  We were going to meet on a Friday for the first time, and had set up the date.  Then on Tuesday, he asked if he could meet me the next night.  Instead of Friday? No - in addition to.  Lol.  So we have TWO dates set up already?  YES.  Ha ha.  So I went and met him.  The date was Wed., Nov. 30th, 2011.  As I'd said earlier, my ex had left the house finally on Aug. 1st.

THIS guy was IT.  I wasn't necessarily looking for the IT man, but I certainly wasn't opposed to it.  I certainly wasn't going to settle this time. Nov. 30th first date, and I have emails to prove that on Dec. 5th, we were emailing (while both at work) about where - hypothetically - I'd want to honeymoon.  I mean IF I found the right man.  Lol.  He came over on Christmas Eve while my kids were with their dad.  I'd gotten him a present I'd seen him look at while we shopped together at Target.  It was one of those stainless steel travel mugs that was super seal-tight.  Like $30. It felt right - it was useful and he'd like it.  But it wasn't over the top.  He LOVED it.  And then gave me MY presents.  This beautiful box full of things that he knew I'd love, based on prior conversations.  I 3-pack DVD of Rudolph/Frosty/something else.  An Adelle CD/DVD. A mistletoe. 5 pair of fun panties (he was afraid he'd crossed the line with that one, but I thought it was adorable.).  A bottle of perfume.  A new wireless headphone set since mine was broken. A beautiful card (and another one to open on Christmas morning).  A few other things I can't remember now.  I was FLOORED.  We spent an entire week off work and together the week following Christmas, when my kids were with their dad.  Then just after the new year, my kids met him. The following week he brought his daughter over and we all went to the aquarium together.  He moved in on April 1st - literally two days after my divorce was final.  By Thanksgiving, he proposed. In front of my entire family while we hosted the dinner.  He had told them all ahead of time, and had them all hand-decorate poster boards that said different parts of what he wanted to say, and had them send him pics of them holding the signs.  Then he made a slide show with all kinds of pics in it, followed by these posterboard pics.  He actually had ME make a sign and took a picture of me - telling me if was for one of my step daughter's friend's birthday. So I was literally in my own proposal.  The last pic was him holding a sign saying, "Will You Marry Me?", and then when I turned to look at him, he was down on one knee with a big-ass ring in his hand.

In January 2013, I visited David's Bridal's beginning of the year sale, and chose a dress.  At the end of Feb., I had a complete knee replacement.  I came up for air from that in about April, and we set our date for July 20th. We had about 50 people altogether - just the people most important to us.  It was a blast.  The kids all went with their dad, and we left the next morning on a Royal Caribbean cruise for our honeymoon from FL to the Western Caribbean.  Oh.My.GOD - it was the time of our LIVES!!!!  I want to do it again SO badly!  This July 20th will be 5 years.  It literally feels like I've been married about 2 months. Lol.  Okay - maybe more like 2 years.  Definitely not 5!

Kel

Last edited by Kel (June 12, 2018 10:31 am)

I got a warm fuzzy reading that-gives me hope. I would love to meet someone but I think I should maybe enjoy being on my own first. Would be nice for someone to find me attractive though. TGT makes you feel very undesirable doesn't it?

"..When you all are ready to hear THE story from the first few months of my time together with my now husband, let me know.  It involves a crazy ex (his), multiple vehicles, and a blown out tire on the highway at 2 in the morning in January in Chicago. And how it led to me knowing that I was going to marry him."..

I've been off the site for awhile but would love to hear your story Kel..  You shine.. brightly.