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August 28, 2021 10:25 pm  #61

Re: Keeping Their Secret


If I understand correctly, you didn't know your ex was gay (or he denied it?)  until after the divorce?  What a mess of lies these people create!  You'd think they'd grow up at least for their own kids. So sorry, Soaplife!

My GIDXH passed away a few months after the divorce 4 years ago  - his bad habits caught up to him.  I could barely function due to the abusive marriage & his stalking me after the divorce. It was awful mourning someone you despised and trying to heal at the same time.

I have no issues telling. It's a geographic problem with an unreceptive, PC audience.

I'm glad you are able to tell people. I think it's very important to have support.

Take care!

Last edited by MJM017 (August 28, 2021 10:26 pm)

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

August 30, 2021 6:10 am  #62

Re: Keeping Their Secret

Gosh there are so many things all of you have written and I sooo agree with that, Dixie. 30 years of my life too, and yes, manipulative, and a user.
I find myself in a bit of a pretzel-position: We HAVE had our divorce in March, and I live on my own since mid April. And it was sort of o k for the past 4 months, until this blinkin' lockdown hit here in Auckland, NZ. All the covid info around me, and with no family in sight, and no way of driving to a friend, or just getting out as usual, going to and back from work drives me nuts...

I started developing an ulcer, and GH said I can stay with him and my son until I feel better and want to go back home, just 5 min away... I simply had to... I could feel I was spiriling downwards... but it's not easy being here in the same house. We have nothing in common. With my son here, and my fluffy friend it becomes a bit better... Luckily for me, he goes to work every day... I suppose it's not that bad...Thank goodness!

However, many and constant questions on which I've never had clear answers to kept bombarding me during the last couple of months, and I thought now would be a good time to talk about that and get clarity. We'll see how honest he REALLY is, and what else he was hiding from me all these years...

Just want to move on with life, but it's not easy. I feel extremely lonely. I am on meds for anxiety and depression, and I'd say, the latter comes for 'visits' quite often. I do go for walks, I started painting on an easle which I have never done before, LOL, and I have ordered a Teddy in the Box kit, to keep my head and hands busy. Over all, I feel to betrayed... so used...

Yes, Selfrenewal, the problem is that he is also kind, and generous and very charismatic too! He even told me about two women that were interested in him at some stage, no wonder! And Rob, same here, " I was the kindest, most loving" wife and I worked very hard all my life to support our family where I could. And since being in NZ, he didn't try ONCE to get a better pay, but always 'supported my efforts' in doing so, to support his overseas friends which I knew nothing about.

After we got married, we decided TOGETHER that love, trust and honesty would always be the Captain of our Boat... Well, guess what? It was only my 200% contribution that endured... Thank you for letting me spit it out, as it is on this forum. Hopefully I am taking more steps forward, than going backwards again... And there are SO MANY of us going through this...! I salute this forum!!!

"Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32).

August 30, 2021 8:05 pm  #63

Re: Keeping Their Secret

Beijoux wrote:

...... And it was sort of o k for the past 4 months, until this blinkin' lockdown hit here in Auckland, NZ. All the covid info around me, and with no family in sight, and no way of driving to a friend, or just getting out as usual, going to and back from work drives me nuts..

I'm in Christchurch Beijoux Aucklanders are certainly doing it tough.!!
The light in my Delta tunnel will be a decent coffee tomorrow albeit a takeaway one


KIA KAHA                       

November 3, 2021 12:35 am  #64

Re: Keeping Their Secret

This is a LONG POST that I posted under: 'Our Stories' that I have attempted to shorten in this thread: 

I've been in avoiding talking about the real deal in my marriage for a LONG TIME. 

I started placing or looking for dating ads in the newspaper (before online dating was a thing).  I met a kind person, nurturing and attentive, never married, didn't have kids.  When I thought we were getting serious, I introduced the person to my child.  After several months of dating, I moved into my partner's house.  I told my partner all the good and the bad about my previous marriage.  What hurts most of all was the betrayal and that my first spouse sacrificed family to cover up for a friend and ended up in prison.

We got engaged and married in less than a year.  My partner's father was supportive.  He paid for and came to our wedding and out to visit when our second child (spouse's first) was born.  My spouse's mother didn't come to the wedding or visit us in our home state even when the second grandchild was born.  I felt distant from her although we saw their home during the holidays.  In hindsight, I think my in-laws knew about my spouse's sexuality.  My then-fiancee would often relay to me that father frequently asked when my then-fiancee would settle down.  Father-in-law may have thought that his child had decided to be heterosexual, while my future mother-in-law knew that 'things weren't right' and chose to be distant.  

Less than a year after we married, my second child (our first child) was born.  We were in the honeymoon period for a few years.  We used a shared computer in a separate bedroom in our home.  My spouse was primarily using it for classes taken at a university and work-related activities.  A lot of times, the spouse would use the computer with the door closed.  I didn't mind because we were still spending quality time with each other. 

Our kids shared a bedroom with two separate bunk beds.  One of the worst decisions I agreed to was allowing a TV in our bedroom because it interrupts intimacy and quiet time.  Our youngest had behavioral issues - oppositional, defiant, and having challenges with obeying authority.  Youngest would come into our bedroom to watch TV, fall asleep in our bed, and put the youngest back in their bed.    My spouse didn't seem as concerned about the sleeping situation.  I had a gut feeling that something was off about our marriage. When my spouse was in the bathroom, I went into the bedroom where our computer was set up and noticed that spouse had an online IM with a man.  I scrolled through the conversation, and it was 'let's get together' messages that seemed sexual.  My spouse claimed not knowing who the person was chatting. I LET IT GO!!

Years later, we moved and spouse would take laptop into the bathroom when getting home from work.  I noticed a pattern and felt that spouses should spend time with our kids instead of being in the toilet with the laptop.  Spouse took it into the bathroom to answer work emails, etc.  There were many times that I arrived home from work, and our kids were at home.  I would ask them where their father was.  They would say he's in the bathroom and spouse would then emerge with the laptop.  In the meantime, we went into family counseling because our daughters weren't getting along, and our marriage lacked intimacy.  When we were intimate, the spouse seemed to be checked out.  I asked if there was anything I could do to help.  The spouse had a lot on their mind and was stressed about work.  My instincts kicked in, and I became curious about what my spouse was doing in the bathroom with his laptop.  

There were many times that I wanted us to spend time as a family outside the home.  My spouse would say - I'm tired from work and wants to relax at home.  I used the spouse's other computer and found that the spouse was logged into an adult sex website with an alias.  The alias name was matched to the actual name and credit card that was billed quarterly.  There were pages of hookup messages looking for bi/gay/multi-partner action when the spouse was traveling for business and other times.  I found messages that corresponded with when me and kids were doing stuff outside the home, and my spouse was at home solo.  I was distraught scrolling the messages.  My spouse claimed not to know what I was talking about.  

The spouse denied knowing about the messages, claimed that the computer was hacked.  Our family therapist said it was my decision to leave or stay in the marriage based on what I found and that if he was having sex outside our marriage, that was putting my health in jeopardy.  I opted to stay married since our kids were still young. 

After this blowup, we stopped having sex.  I shut down mentally and physically.  I don't trust my spouse.  I have been celibate ever since then.  I started looking for friends to socialize with; we went as a group to movies, dinner, etc.  My spouse had stopped taking the laptop in the bathroom for a while.  My kids would ask me why I was going out with other people for movies, etc.  I told them because the spouse didn't want to or was busy at work. 

After some time, the spouse was testing the waters to initiate intimacy.  I tried to get into it and relax but couldn't get past the hurt and betrayal.  I would bring the cause of our communication and intimacy breakdown, and the spouse would say we already discussed it and we should move on from that.   I started putting on weight, my kids and doctor were concerned about my health.  I started going to therapy, in-person weight loss sessions, and exercising and lost 60 pounds.  I have regained some of the weight. 

Fast forward to the global pandemic, and spouse decides to refinance our home.  This is the second or third time for refinancing and the first time that my name isn't on loan.   I signed paperwork that I wouldn't be on the new loan.  I later asked my spouse if I could look at the loan paperwork.  Spouse claimed he didn't have a hard copy and asked why it was such a big deal.  I also needed a copy of joint tax returns to verify income.  I asked my spouse several times for the tax information.   He didn't comply.  I looked around, couldn't find the information and then he blasted me and said 'don't ever go through my things again'!

I later decided to see if my name was still on the deed/title to our home.  I couldn't find that paperwork but guess what I did find - copies of the same adult sex messages that I previously confronted him about years ago. 

Which was T R I G G E R I N G emotional setback.  

I could feel myself spiraling and fortunately remembered this forum is a safe space to vent, cry, so here I am again. 

Months ago, I decided it would be better for my mental health to move out and live independently.  I am taking classes for tech certification, looking for jobs, and planning on moving out when I can find an affordable home.  

I will tell our adult kids that I should have moved out a long time ago and apologize for not telling them sooner about their father's actions that deeply hurt me and our relationship.  I have been tired of being in my spouse's closet.  I used to relate my lack of sleep to the political climate since 2016.  After the 2020 election, I don't watch the news 24/7, much less TV, and my sleep quality is dismal.  My heart and mind know I should have moved out a while ago.  Since spring, I have taken up exercise, yoga, and meditation to deal with the sadness of job rejection, self-worth/esteem and a respite from dysfunctional state of my marriage. 

My youngest lives with us, and when she came home tonight, she noticed my sadness.  I was vague in responding. She asked if she was the cause.  I told her no.  She labeled it drama, and I agreed. 

I need to build out roadmap for exiting this marriage and still hold myself together.  When I was a younger, single mother with a young child I had the courage to divorce my first spouse, but have languished in this second marriage where our kids are 'grown' - and hope it'll be easier to decouple.  I have the receipts for when that time comes.

I want to be happy, be at peace, be around people that would enjoy my company.  I am not afraid of being single.  I have no interest in dating,  

Thanks for being here.  

Last edited by IAmEnough21 (November 3, 2021 1:00 am)


November 5, 2021 10:37 am  #65

Re: Keeping Their Secret


I'm very sorry you find yourself here.  The betrayal and lies of these spouses is astounding and heartbreaking.  A frequent poster said it best - "these people have a broken moral core."

Sorry if you took care of this & this is a repeat. Am guessing you are in the US.  You would have to had signed the refi loan application to be a part of the process.  It's illegal to suddenly drop a real property co-owner unless you signed a quit claim deed. Couples do this to refi if one of the spouse's poor credit score would disqualify joint owners from a low mortgage rate.

Most real property deeds are registered at the county level here.  Request a copy. 

You can request copies of your tax returns from the IRS.  Am guessing he filed a joint return.   He may have stolen your share of a tax refund and the multiple IRS COVID payments from you.

All of these actions are financial abuse. There can be legal repercussions if this occurred.

I wouldn't confront him. Keep a log of all the above. It will help you during a divorce.

I wish you the best of luck finding a job in your field.  There's nothing better than being financially independent & away from an abusive partner.

Take care,

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

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