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November 16, 2017 9:48 am  #31

Re: Keeping Their Secret

Debbie wrote:

No one deserves loyalty when they havent been loyal to you

I like this line Debbie.  So simple but so true.    Their betrayal was far worse that our choice to tell the truth.

Like you, I have been open and honest with everyone who has asked.  I even posted on my facebook once to tell my story and share about the SSN.  However, I will add the caveat that I have not ever shared her secret in a malicious manner.  I don't think it's right to "out someone" as a form of revenge or to try to hurt them.  I do think that the a straight spouse should always be free to tell the truth and not be locked into their gay spouses closet.  


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


November 16, 2017 11:01 am  #32

Re: Keeping Their Secret

Yes definitely Phoenix , like I said in another thread I don't look at it when telling people why we broke up as outing him , I just look at it as telling people the truth of why our marriage broke down and that was because he was going to gay massage parlours and saunas (there is  other things I'm pretty sure of aswell but I don't go into the nitty gritty )I'd tell people if he had been going with other women so why not tell them because it's men , he lost all my loyalty to him when he betrayed me or at least when I found out he had , I don't see why I should not tell the truth when somebody asks and I definitely wouldn't make something up and  lie to my family and friends as to why our marriage has ended and also the people closest to you wouldn't be able to really help if they don't know the real reason and I also look at it as he wasn't thinking about me when he was doing all that behind my back and smiling in my face saying hi babe have you had a good day so why should I protect him and feel sorry for him that people know , he wasn't feeling sorry for me while he was deceiving me and putting my health at risk . What comes around goes around and people knowing is the consequence of his actions and like I said to him " I can't change what you've done and me telling people what you have done is no where near as bad as what you have actually done . He actually told me I was a horrible person for telling our family and friends, I nearly choked and said what kind of a person do you think you are to drag some unsuspecting woman into a sham marriage and ruin her life , but then I said but you havnt ruined my life , you nearly did but I won't let you . I get moments when I feel really down and really miss him and the life I thought we had but I've not since I found out about him ever thought I would stay with him because I know I'm worth much more than staying with a man that has not only decieved me and lied and cheated  but also I'm worth more than the life I know I would have if I stayed with him , I don't want a life of having to check up on my husband and be wondering where he is and who he is with and having sex wondering if he is thinking about men when having sex with me , checking his phone and all the other stuff I know I would be doing for the rest of my life . I know I won't miss him forever and eventually I'll move on and I know it will be the best thing that's ever happened to me in my leaving him , I know I just have to see this road through but I'll come out the other end feeling proud of myself that I was strong enough to leave the man I really love ( loved) and that's cause I deserve more 😁😁😁😁


November 16, 2017 11:06 am  #33

Re: Keeping Their Secret

I totally agree but I look at it this way, if my husband tries to tell me that it’s nobody else’s business I will say “I wasn’t telling anyone your business, I was telling them my business.”  When he lied and cheated during our marriage he made it our business.  I have every right to share my business with whomever I choose.  I need love and support and if I cannot get it from my spouse I will seek it from other  sources and that requires honesty.  I’m not the one who has a problem with honesty here.


November 16, 2017 11:12 am  #34

Re: Keeping Their Secret

Yes totally majesco , we shouldn't have to lie for them to other people' as to why we have left them , they knew they were doing wrong by there spouse when they were having sex with other people( in these cases the same sex) so they have to live with the consequence of there actions and that is other people finding out , tough luck for them I'm afraid


November 16, 2017 12:28 pm  #35

Re: Keeping Their Secret

I agree with majenco too.  We have a right to tell our own story. 

My ex requested and even threatened me about telling what happened.  I told her I have every right to tell MY story to whomever I chose.  I don't talk about her directly.. I talk about how her actions impacted me.  How my life changed.  How the betrayal impacted me. 

She was even pissed at me for telling our sons the truth about what happened.  I told her that it was now THEIR story as well and they have a right to know the truth about what caused changes in their own lives. 

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


November 17, 2017 1:51 am  #36

Re: Keeping Their Secret

I told people. Really because I was tired of living his lie - he chose to live it all those years, but I didn't. I live out in the open. And if what he did was really no big deal, then certainly he'd be fine with me telling any and everyone.

He made his bed - let him lie in it.

I told the kids, too.  They deserve the truth just as much as anyone else - moreso, actually.


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

November 17, 2017 2:24 am  #37

Re: Keeping Their Secret

Oh yes Kel you think in exactly dane way as me about it . He had the cheek to call me a terrible person for telling what he'd done 😱


December 17, 2017 5:00 pm  #38

Re: Keeping Their Secret

Dixie I used to call my husband my best friend but after reading Bonnie Kay's newsletters and chatting to people on here I realise I am not crazy... he is still gaslighting me, telling me I'm the crazy one. I trusted him with my life and cared for him. There is community of gays pretending to be straight men in marriages, his friends are some. They have a way of finding each other and connecting. I want to find it and destroy it. I'm pretty sure there is forum that they use its under a pretence name. I've noticed the ones that are his friends are all into 'cars'. It makes me sick that they do this to their wives and how it's happened to me. They protect each other to keep their wives out the way. It's crazy I have strong evidence on all of them feel like spreading the word but I probably wont. Need to stop thinking about it and just get this divorce over and done with!!

Last edited by confusedbunny1 (December 17, 2017 5:02 pm)


December 30, 2017 2:53 pm  #39

Re: Keeping Their Secret

Hi, I'm new and still in shock.

Finally got a moment of privacy in this house, which is not easy.

I'd offer two observations about the issue of "outing" and keeping secrets (or opting not to).

1. Years ago, the Olympic diver Greg Louganis came out both about his orientation and the fact that he was HIV positive.  He said at the time that when you keep a secret, it has the effect of isolating you.  I was really struck by that at the time (and I didn't even know my husband's secret back then).  When you have to lie to everybody, there can be days where you're just really upset and you just can't keep up appearances, and it's just easier to avoid all of humanity so you don't have to put on a false face.  I make a distinction here between maintaining a zone of personal privacy and lying to protect a secret.  If you ask me my pre-tax income or something like that, I'm within my rights saying "I'm sorry, that's a very personal question and I'd rather not share that information."  That's not lying, that's keeping a private matter private.  But, keeping a secret and trying to lie to keep a false narrative going comes with a real cost.  Don't impose a secret on me, against my will, and then decide I need to bear the cost of keeping your secret.

2. In general, "outing" people isn't just a game, but there isn't a one-size-fits-all rule that says all outing is always bad and makes you a bad person.  I think if you see someone you know come out of a gay bar with a companion, and it's obvious they're gay ... and he's not married, and nobody's being hurt, I would agree it's wrong to go off and start telling his parents or his boss.  There are dynamics you don't know about, and all that.  But I don't agree that this means we have a universally-applied rule that all outing is bad.  It's a far cry from that situation, to say that someone can impose a secret on me and then impose another condition that benefits him but burdens me, because I will forever be cut off from my own support network and my own family and my own friends ... for his sake.  Please, don't insult my intelligence here. 

I'm new here, and trying to understand what steps I'm going to take -- and I'm reading everyone's posts and feeling like I could have written that, word for word.  I am in awe of all of you.

I have to wait for another ten days before I can have a complete breakdown, because my daughter is home from college and I need to wait till she's gone back -- and then I want to talk to a  lawyer and find out what different legal protections are out there for me; whether I'm better off filing for divorce or just moving towards a separation, or just imposing some distance and a Do Not Speak To Me At All If You Can't Speak The Truth rule on my husband.  But some of my 4 a.m. thoughts have been on this question, and I've decided that I will not lie to my family or to our daughter (who is 22, about to graduate).  Whatever fiction he thinks he's able to maintain with the rest of the world is his problem, but I am not going to lie to my sister, my mother, or my daughter.  Then I started wondering something else: how would I feel if it turned out that everybody else had their suspicions all along, but nobody wanted to tell me because ... you know, it's evil to out somebody.

I had my suspicions about my husband for a very long time, and I really will post the full story when I'm ready and hopefully when I have a little more privacy in the house, but when our daughter was about middle-school age, she came to me once and said "Mamma, Daddy has pictures of penises on his desktop!"  I told her he was just trying to be funny.  I bring this up now because I don't think that's the kind of thing a kid forgets about, and because I wonder if she has suspicions and is trying to protect me.

Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.

December 30, 2017 3:33 pm  #40

Re: Keeping Their Secret

Welcome Walk,

Your message struck me because my daughter was also home from college and about to graduate when my world imploded. That was 3 long years ago, seems like 3 decades. I filed for divorce shortly after. After he left, my daughter confessed to finding  similar things as your daughter years prior, but never told me until he was out of the house and she felt safe. And yes, she was also trying to protect me. My heart aches for both of you, knowing you are at the beginning of this horrific journey. But please know you will get through it, we did. I didn’t realize what a dark, toxic cloud I had been living under until it was gone. Be well. Hugs.


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