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September 5, 2016 7:18 am  #21


Re: Keeping Their Secret

Whatasham,

..with not one single LGBT community friend having spoken to me about my husband's secretive bullshit, nor any of them contacting me to see how I am coping. these friends were what I considered mutual friends...

I feel for you.  I will say one of the hardest things for me was realizing that my lezex would not offer me remorse or compassion..they there was satanic hatred directed at me.  If I had done something to deserve it ok..but I had not..I was hurting and kind.   What I did do was throw up boundaries..the boundaries of marriage I guess.  Then when divorcing the boundaries of myself..ie no you are not entitled to my resources if you want to be divorced. 

Any mutual friends we had have long been divided. ..basically mine that (I was not allowed to talk to when married) are mine.  Mutual friend from when we married she took as hers...several she even confided her secret too..these are straight christian married couples..she  must have told them I am quite horrible ..somehow they support her gay affair and what she did...it's a complete mind fk to me...

No do not look for support from gay or straight friends.. our spouses have deceived everyone..
If people ask I will tell them but most people don't want to know and these so called friends have already taken sides.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

September 5, 2016 12:12 pm  #22


Re: Keeping Their Secret

Thank you Rob, I can't tell you how encouraging it is to feel validated in all my anger, heartache & insecurities. I'm obviously beyond depression & in PTSD mode as I am simply gobsmacked & paralyzed by how deceitful a person can be, even the one that sleeps beside you & talks of the future beautiful things we will do & accomplish & then to have what feels like your whole community & social circle backing that person's deceit up, even encouraging further cruelty! He has one particularly slimy family member who is actually tutoring him on how to hide money, bank accounts, doctor the business books with the main goal to squeeze me out & leave me devastated financially, because, God forbid you should ever stand up to their family and "How dare you leave HIM/them!". They are all pure evil. My husband has a large family that I obviously came to feel like my extended family after 25+ yrs & then to have them all turn their back on me AND my daughters is heartbreaking. Adding to that I have only one family member left, a sibling who lives in another province, I feel so incredibly alone. I never truly understood or agreed with that saying "In the end, you only have yourself & God & those 2 are the only ones you can ever truly count on". I sure as hell get it now. 

It is so nice to hear about your progress & spiritual freedom from such darkness Rob. Yours & others' stories are what gives me hope that I too can come out the other end with a smidgeon of self respect, that eventually turns into a new happy life. Right now though it sucks monkey balls.

 

September 5, 2016 8:10 pm  #23


Re: Keeping Their Secret

Whatasham,

I hope you have a lawyer to combat him and his sneaky tutor.  I do not want to see you get hurt anymore than you have..

I felt quite alone today.  But I was able to do stuff I wanted without being raged at or cheated on.  I decided to give back a little and cut my dad's lawn. Contrary to my lezexs opinion I am not garbage.  I have so much value and love to give.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

September 13, 2016 4:59 am  #24


Re: Keeping Their Secret

whatasham24 wrote:

I don't know what LGBT community you have had experience with but the one I have personally experienced is not at all concerned with those being hurt by the closeted person.

I didn't spell it out clearly, I see, but I was referring specifically to politicians, religious leaders, public figures. Sen Larry Craig; Rev Ted Haggard; the likes of those. I was not referring to anyone's local circle of friends.  Although I will add that in my case, some LGBT co-workers were incredibly helpful for me, in that they could explain things I didn't understand, and they did so without defending my ex, or taking sides.

And I wasn't espousing martyrdom either, when I wrote about taking the high road. I was trying to describe how to avoid being labeled a homophobic, bitter, prejudiced person when others tell you you should be more understanding and accepting, etc etc. If you are perceived to be spewing rage, that is a lasting impression which is hard to change later; if you can figure out a way to be perceived as magnanimous, you will create a very different lasting impression that enobles you. That's not the same thing as laying down and letting someone walk all over you, or being a martyr, which is not at all what I was suggesting... although I can see how it might have looked that way.

I'd rather be perceived as maintaining my dignity and maturity, not as a raging maniac or self-pitying sad sack, which is inevitably how some view us, because of our anger. Isn't that something we talk about all the time on here? that others judge us or think we're homophobic, or bitter, or whatever, and they don't understand, and part of the reason they think those things is because of how they see us behaving in our anger. We create that perception. So this is about image control, to put it cynically. Let my spouse look like the crazy one, not me.

Then I'll go home and beat the sh*t out of the walls.

By the way, none of these are things I did when I was going through the worst of it. These are things I now wish I had done at those times, now that I can look back on it, and realize some of the damage I did when I was acting in anger without thinking first.
 

Last edited by BryonM (September 13, 2016 5:11 am)


"I have given you my soul, leave me my name!"  - John Proctor, The Crucible
"Question everything you've been told; hold fast to what is true and good." - I Thessalonians 5:21
 
 

September 13, 2016 8:39 pm  #25


Re: Keeping Their Secret

  Byron, this is your original quote (which is what I was responding to)
"It's worth keeping in mind that even the LGBT community will out a closeted gay person, if that person is causing harm to others while hiding in the closet. It's not to humiliate someone or to get revenge, it's to stop further damage from being done."


This was my response...quote=whatasham24]   I don't know what LGBT community you have had experience with but the one I have personally experienced is not at all concerned with those being hurt by the closeted person.

Your response below is not what I was privy to, so yes, you're right, You did not "spell it out clearly". In fact, you didn't say anything to that effect at all in your original post.  I was speaking to your generalized comment. 

BYron: I didn't spell it out clearly, I see, but I was referring specifically to politicians, religious leaders, public figures. Sen Larry Craig; Rev Ted Haggard; the likes of those. I was not referring to anyone's local circle of friends.  Although I will add that in my case, some LGBT co-workers were incredibly helpful for me, in that they could explain things I didn't understand, and they did so without defending my ex, or taking sides.

And I wasn't espousing martyrdom either, when I wrote about taking the high road. I was trying to describe how to avoid being labeled a homophobic, bitter, prejudiced person when others tell you you should be more understanding and accepting, etc etc. If you are perceived to be spewing rage......................................

Last edited by whatasham24 (September 13, 2016 8:40 pm)

 

September 17, 2016 1:28 am  #26


Re: Keeping Their Secret

At first I wanted to keep the secret. I even told them I would keep the secret. But then I realized how well they both played me.  I told some mutual friends. Friends that had thought of us as a couple though he will say nothing of sorts.  He says we were just friends.  For 6 years though pretending to be a couple I realized I was the beard. To have the guy who he slept with around me as a friend oh hell no. I was furious. Most women I know would have blasted him out completely but I didn't I told mutual friends.  Some of those friends have completely changed against me.  Which makes me feel bad at times.

 

September 17, 2016 5:06 am  #27


Re: Keeping Their Secret

I agree with you 100%. I don't want to be in the closet with mine either. I am a long time supporter and activist for LGBT marriage equality and rights but I don't believe that has anything to do with a man who led a straight wife on for 46 years. That's a lack of integrity, compassion and a character deficit. I am fine with his being Gay, I am not fine he never told me and instead, wasted my entire adult life feeling sexually unwanted and unwanted in general. I think outing them without it malice is appropriate but I'd bet all the people we tell will immediately feel sorry for us. We are victims. 

Dixie wrote:

This is something I am really struggling with right now. I have always been a strong supporter of LGBT people. I support their access to all legal and marital rights and their special status under hate crime laws. I understand the difficulties and outright discrimination they face for merely being born different. I have always felt this way. Thus, I respect their caution about coming out and would never out someone intentionally.

HOWEVER, I view my STBX in a completely different light. He was fully aware of his attraction to men and acted on it in high school before he ever met me in college. He is involved with that same fellow today some 40 years later. He was not confused or exploring anything. He knew he was bi and he made very inte ntional choices to hide this affair from me from the time we were dating, engaged, and then over 30 years of marriage. Given his high levels of abuse, deceit, endangering my health and just all around shitty behavior, I have told all my family and close friends his truth and I let him know it. I have not told our 14 year old son as I believe he is too young, but I plan to discuss it with him when he is older. Once the settlement and divorce process is safely done, I plan to let our mutual friends and a few (gossipy) members of his family know the facts of the divorce without any name calling or editorial comments.

Why? Because I dont wish to be in that closet with him. He is out spreading lies that basically blame ME for this divorce and that really steams me. And I feel a lot of rage for what he did and thus wish to let him suffer the consequences of being such an asshole. That is really my objection ... not that he is bi, but that he is a lying, cheating narcissist. A user, manipulator, and a coward. Yes, I feel extremely resentful and vindictive. I had 30 years of my life stolen and my present and future hopes and dreams obliterated.

I would really like to hear your views, even if you do not agree, as you all have the same experiences and can truly relate.

 

Last edited by Judy (September 17, 2016 5:08 am)

 

September 17, 2016 5:12 am  #28


Re: Keeping Their Secret

That's the issue I am struggling with that makes me so angry. The fact that he didn't get what this did to ME. NO COMPASSION. He even made sure I saw the emails he sent the Gay lover. VERY hurtful. I can't trust anyone at this point. I was completely used and duped. I kept trying to build a life with him but he didn't want it. I realize why now.

Rob wrote:

Whatasham,

..with not one single LGBT community friend having spoken to me about my husband's secretive bullshit, nor any of them contacting me to see how I am coping. these friends were what I considered mutual friends...

I feel for you. I will say one of the hardest things for me was realizing that my lezex would not offer me remorse or compassion..they there was satanic hatred directed at me. If I had done something to deserve it ok..but I had not..I was hurting and kind. What I did do was throw up boundaries..the boundaries of marriage I guess. Then when divorcing the boundaries of myself..ie no you are not entitled to my resources if you want to be divorced.

Any mutual friends we had have long been divided. ..basically mine that (I was not allowed to talk to when married) are mine. Mutual friend from when we married she took as hers...several she even confided her secret too..these are straight christian married couples..she must have told them I am quite horrible ..somehow they support her gay affair and what she did...it's a complete mind fk to me...

No do not look for support from gay or straight friends.. our spouses have deceived everyone..
If people ask I will tell them but most people don't want to know and these so called friends have already taken sides.

 

 

November 16, 2017 9:25 am  #29


Re: Keeping Their Secret

I have told all my family , friends and his family , I told them the reason we had broken up as soon as I found out about his secret gay life as I knew from day one after finding out ,that my marriage was over, I tell the truth to anyone that asks me why we have broken up . Why!! Because it is the truth , if he had have been going with women I would tell them so why is it any different that it is men , the only difference is that it matters to him because he doesn't want people to know , but like I said to him , that is the consequence of your actions , you chose to cheat on me with men and I'm not going to NOT  tell anyone the real reason , why should I protect him and have any loyalty to him when he has lied and cheated behind my back and put my health in danger from before we were even married , it's not because of revenge I tell people it's because that IS the reason for our brake up and im a pretty black and white person I suppose . He said " I can't believe you have told people " I said No and I can't believe that you have been doing this all the time I have known you. No one deserves loyalty when they havnt been loyal to you

 

November 16, 2017 9:31 am  #30


Re: Keeping Their Secret

Totally agree with you Diixie about telling people the truth  as they do not deserve our loyalty , why on earth should we have to hide their secret and  like you said our family and friends can't give us the support we need to get through it if they don't know the real reason for the brake up  and as for telling other people that ask me why we broke up , well I just tell them the truth and why not

 

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