Thank you everyone for your replies.  I haven't been back online because I just couldn't deal with...anything for awhile.  But now my husband says he's moving out by the end of the month so I have to confront this head on.

Did anyone else have a spouse who blamed them? Not for being gay, but apparently I was a terrible wife and he's not going to put up with me being angry at him and telling him how broken I feel.

I made a couples therapy appt to figure out how to deal with telling the kids and it ended up with him being angry at me.  I'm trying to understand...but it just makes a nightmare situation even worse.
 

jenn,

It seems like most if not all of them do that thing where they're angry at US for something we didn't even do.  I think it's because they've tried to deny the truth for so long, and eventually they start to feel like they're trapped under a pile of boulders. And they look up to see what they're up against, and they see us up there - their partner - and sometimes even their kids.  It's not true, really - we are their victims, in reality.  But at that point in time, they can't see that - they are so unhappy that they feel like they could be happy if they could be free - and we are the ones they see as preventing that.  We are the thing holding them back.  Because if they were to just tell us, there would be pain they don't want to cause. And there would be yelling, and blame, and shame. None of which they want. So they avoid that, and just keep on at their hiding game, all the while getting angrier and angrier at us for holding them back.

I've heard this BS before about men telling the woman that all this is their fault - that they (the husband) has been miserable for years, even though they've never mentioned it until now.  It's all just gas lighting and blame shifting.  They don't want anyone to know that they're responsible for the marriage blowing up due to lying and deceit.  So they make up an alternate reason they hope others will believe.  And if they can get YOU to believe it, then they do their damage control right out of the gate.  If YOU believe it's your fault, then you will tell everyone that and they don't need to come out until if and when they feel like it, and they can look like the good husband.  It's all a crock.

I know you're not me, and you have your own personality and tendencies. But if my ex was telling me that him being gay wasn't the real issue here - and telling me that my feelings aren't valid and can't be discussed, I'd be SHOUTING at him about how I don't give a rat's ASS if he agrees with me or not, and I don't need his freaking permission to have feelings.  And if these things that made you such a bad wife were present all along like he'd like you to believe, why didn't he say something before now?  He's trying to get you to eat up the BS he's serving.  Tell him you can see it and smell it and you're not going to be spoon-fed.  You have your own feelings, and you'll scream them from the damned mountain top, if you freaking feel like it.  If he doesn't like your mouth, then he can leave to get some silence.

Kel
 

I wish my husband would come out! I still don't know if he is straight up gay because he still always wants to have sex with me...yet he will go behind my back and go to a gay sauna for strange sex and is on the prowl for guys on gay hook-up sites. I feel like an idiot because I just can't leave!

Roo wrote:

....I feel like an idiot because I just can't leave!

You're NOT an idiot. It will take you as long as it takes to leave....but Abby is right, protect yourself. If you know absolutely that he's having sex with them..you shouldn't be having sex with him

'hugs for you'

Jenn do you have an attorney?   Don't agree to anything until your attorney reviews it.