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1 - justwokeup
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Can't stop trying to figure things out...
First post. SO incredibly relieved to have found this site as I have felt so alone and unsatisfied with what I've been told or researched on my own. Made the discovery of this network yesterday and have been bawling ever since because everything I've been reading is so on point with how I've been feeling. THANK YOU!!!
I try to be realistic and logical but this situation has left me in such despair. I guess I should feel grateful that this relationship hasn't taken up more of my life and he is not the father of my children... but I truly loved him and I'm suffering, I trusted him and allowed myself to be vulnerable. Not something I normally do as my life has been adverse to say the least. I'm disappointed in my judgement.
On 1/30 my husband went in for minor surgery where I was his designated driver. I dropped him off, he gave me his phone. I've always had a small feeling of distrust and would use opportunities such this to ease my mind. Ease was not what I got this time. I found 2 emails soliciting sex to transvestites on the casual encounters page of Craigslist. The photos of my husband attached gave me a timeline of our relationship from beginning to end. The photos showcased areas of the body a gay man would appreciate and he was shaved clean. He said he would like to try mutual touching, sucking etc, that he is usually "straight".
I picked him up up from surgery and left those photos open on his phone and let him know our relationship was over. He denies meeting anyone despite admitting this online behavior (along with his own personal post on Craigslist m4t) since 2003. He says he's not gay. Adhement it was years of porn that took him to this point. That he's a narcissist and men gave him more attention than women did. He would use the online conversations along with porn to get off, sounds fishy to me. We've been together since 2012. Tried living together in 2014, lasted a year, he was miserable (surfs and missed the beach). I have a 14 year old son, couldn't live by beach. We stayed together, got married in separate houses and bought a house together in August. I found an email dated after we moved back in. His last girlfriend, they were together for 13 years and only lived together for a year and a half.
He moved out of this house we bought in March. Has been trying to make things work. But he's gay right? He's lying right? Our whole relationship, he's been generally discontent unless he's drinking or smoking pot. Performance issues in the bedroom intermittently. But everytime we were intimate, I felt like he was giving a performance. He was SO focused on it working. like I had to bring him back to me. It was weird, hard to describe.
So now I'm left with a California mortgage on my own and no partner. I feel devastated and confused. I just wish I knew the truth. I feel like the betrayal alone (without the confirmation of his orientation) is enough to end the marriage but I miss him so much and I can't stop thinking about it....any insight or further questions are welcome. Thank you!!
**In addition, I know there's ONE explanation (as I've ruled out abuse/molestation) for this behavior but have been hanging on to this thin thread of his denial. Justifying this with "he must really love me and not be GAY to want to endure the years of future mistrust of him and effort it will take to keep this relationship going". I've discussed this with my sister and her husband. His "straight perspective" was that he just REALLY doesn't want his secret out. He's 43 and has a definite image, I or anyone else, would have never imagined until I found the emails and recounted all the red flags I missed for so long. He has a large group of male friends he's had since grade school. He's a "surfer", "drummer", "snow boarder", "skateboarder", "mountain biker", "hiker/camper", "animal rights activist", "environmentalist", he's "cool, funny, fun" but he couldn't be "gay"**
I mean NO disrespect to the gay community, this I feel is his thoughts/feelings
Last edited by justwokeup (May 15, 2018 5:11 pm)
- Duped
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Re: Can't stop trying to figure things out...
Deleted
Last edited by Duped (August 26, 2019 2:40 pm)
- justwokeup
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Re: Can't stop trying to figure things out...
Lynne -
Thank you!!!! I love this shit. I'll digest this tonight for sure. I appreciate your response and connection immensely
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Thread Starter- justwokeup
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Re: Can't stop trying to figure things out...
Thank you so much! Your response is empowering to me and completely validates my confused feelings. I appreciate your wisdom and strength. I feel better knowing I can connect with others out there somewhere. I'm sorry for your experience and I am here
Duped wrote:
So sorry you find yourself here but glad you found us.
Your post is familiar to many of us...I also found my ex was advertising for sex with transvestites (and transsexuals and “twinks”) he also said he wasn’t gay (well he damn well wasn’t straight!) and that he hadn’t acted on it (uh yeah right). He also shaved and smoked pot and drank and claimed it was all the fault of porn.
What I can tell you being 1.5 years post discovery is that he was a lying, gaslighting shit. You call it “fishy” we here call it manipulative and gaslighting. They try and twist your reality to confuse and disorientate you.
Oh yeah and I actually had to say...”hey, I’m over here” when we had sex cos he was so darn far away in his mind.
Don’t stay and waste your life and sanity, he can’t be trusted and he obviously has a thing for men who dress in girls clothes. Women with willies, we don’t have them, fatal flaw.
I hope this forum brings you some clarity and strength. It really is better once you get out.
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Thread Starter- justwokeup
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Re: Can't stop trying to figure things out...
I'm trying to be sympathetic to him and his struggles but you know that show "intervention" on A&E? I feel like there should be something similar for gay in denial. I mean it doesn't have to be on TV or anything, but the years of this secrecy (I mean collectively for all in this situation), come on! When does it stop?
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Thread Starter- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Can't stop trying to figure things out...
He's been posting and soliciting for men since 2003 but hasn't acted on it? Bwa-ha-ha. Sorry, no. He's acted on it. He's gay. When does it stop? Never.
Save your sympathy for yourself.
- justwokeup
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Re: Can't stop trying to figure things out...
Thank you out of his closet! This situation has been so surreal, I feel like I've been tiptoeing around his feelings so much and want to be sure he is okay. It's so nice to be able to be pissed off and feel free to express the things that I am actually feeling. Thank you for being here. I'm sorry for the anguish you experienced with your husband
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Thread Starter- justwokeup
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Re: Can't stop trying to figure things out...
Thank you wondering89. Your words are cathartic. I too am sorry for the "mind fuck" you have gone through, that is EXACTLY what it is. You mentioning the whole "where are they going to meet" situation just brought back a memory. He has a truck with a camper shell. Sometimes when he would have a job and be gone over night, he would just sleep in the back of his truck instead of getting a hotel. He even bought this really special air mattress designed for a truck bed. There was this period of time that he never deflated that damn bed, it was just in there. I'm just realizing it was probably his hook up love den. Damn. Daily these epiphanies are coming to me. It hurts, he was so good at fooling me. I really believed he loved me wholeheartedly, not just for being the naive person he could have around and pull the wool over their eyes when the desire arose. How will I ever trust and be able to love again? I'm having a hard time just fulfilling my duties as a mom and employee, how will I give my heart away again. I feel like I probably won't and it pisses me off that he did that to me. That his actions were able to affect me in this way. I'm sick
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Thread Starter- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Can't stop trying to figure things out...
One of the inevitable results of having had the "disclosure/discovery" moment is that you begin looking at the past with new eyes, and each realization you have--for example, about the camper/air mattress--re-traumatizes you. So go easy on yourself. It takes time to process this trauma. Processing it, though, will make you into a stronger, wiser, more centered person with a highly developed understanding of your values and an ability to set healthy boundaries with others. Trust and love are not out of reach for you--or for any of us--in the future.
- Lena
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Re: Can't stop trying to figure things out...
JustWokeUp,
It will get better.First 6 months I was like a robot barely fullfilling my job at work. With kids was different (they are very young- I had to be strong for them), they gave me strenght and being around them helped me a lot.
Eventually, I opened more to people and told my story to the closest one. It helped me a lot. It took my shame off my shoulders. I finally understood none of this was my fault. I was used in the worst possible way.
Of course like most of us here, I heard that it was my fault, I was too cold, then that I gave him too much freedom, that he is not gay, then that maybe he is bi, then he is none of these, that he was just looking for a friend ( all gay and with all those friends he needed to have sex, lol, what type of friendship definition in his dictionary he has?!). Finally, when I put a stop sign and requesed a divorce, he is finally not denying it.
I have been in divorcing process for some time. Cannot wait for the final. I want that peace, although I know it won't be easy. We have young kids.
I too like you, was very protective of him and diminishing his false, but his game, tricks and actions finally opened my eyes.
Think of yourself First. Most of those gay spouses are very manipulative and tend to make victims of themselves and they do not take responsibility for the burden they have created and dumped on us.
You may not fall in love that easy anymore, but as OutOfHisCloset mentioned, this process make us stronger, wiser and patient. Time heals as well.
E-hugs to you.
Last edited by Lena (May 16, 2018 10:50 am)