OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
1 - Underestimated
- New member
Offline
In the waiting game, but moving forward
A few weeks back I discovered that my husband was visiting several gay erotic massage centers. I never doubted him, but since 2 years ago our marriage has changed. Even he is still kind and loving, his distraction went to a different level, he was not paying any attention to me or our sexual life and for that reason I hired a private detective to follow him and that is when I discover this.
I'm going to individual counselling and it's helping a lot. I also contacted SSN in Canada and they have been of great help and by reading all your posts here I'm getting that strength to confront him and I'm doing that in a couple of weeks since my counsellor suggested we go to a quite safe place. He only know we will talk about our relationship but he has no clue about all of the information I have.
We went to couple's counselling but we were not moving because he had this big secret and he was not been honest. I know understand why the counselling failed and I also understand that I decided a long time ago not to pay to the signs and that is the reason why I'm living this 17 years after.
I'm not sure if he will admit been gay. I hope so. If not, I will support him until he determines his real sexual orientation. I do not know how I will support him, I will ask for help from my counsellor, but I just know what I want (a husband that is 100% commited to me) and someone said that I should always remember what I want and I'm sticking to it. Thank you all of you for posting your stories. Now I know I'm not alone and that I count with a big community of people that is going thru this. Thank you,
- Underestimated
- New member
Offline
Re: In the waiting game, but moving forward
Hi Lynne
Well, before getting married he was never to much physical contact. We were not living in the same city and he spent 1 to 2 months to go there and see me. That is not the usual when you are starting a relationship. He always said I'm too tired or I'm working during the weekends so I was the one that was visiting him most of the time no matter how tired I was but I needed to hug and kiss someone. I'm my 17 years I have not have sex more than 14 times in a year. In my honeymoon, we only had sex twice and the 2nd time was quick not very engaging, I was always the one reaching for a kiss, for a hug. To get pregnant I had to make a schedule because he was too tired most of the time and since 6 years from now I started requesting him to go out more on dates, to have more sex, because our relationship was not going well. He didn't do anything. Last year he asked me to go to councelling and he accepted that our sex life was not active enough but those were just words, he didn't do anything to change it. He dropped the counselling and I continue going. I told him, I have asked for 2 things, to help around the house and to touch me more frequently, he suddenly responded I can only commit to help you around the house. Then, I said we need to separate/uncoupling and he panic and started being much caring (kiss in the morning and at night) and saying I'm beautiful. And since he started going to the gay massages center he wants to have sex with me 5 times a week. Something he never did and not sure why the change (I think that he is trying to reinforce the idea that he is not gay by having sex with me). I started using condoms as soon as I discovered the truth and he never asked me why do you want to use condoms. Those were the signs. What are your thoughts about it? Do they sound familiar?
- •
Thread Starter- Underestimated
- New member
Offline
Re: In the waiting game, but moving forward
You are so right Wondering89. He will cheat again because he has done it. I feel this is the end. As soon as I talk to him even if he accepts and acknowledge that he broke our honesty vow, I won't be able to trust him anymore and I cannot live my life hiring detectives and with the anxiety levels that I have after knowing his secret. I think I won't try the MOM either because it is not what I want in my heart. I think that after my conversation we will go to counselling to settle on how to transition our kids thru a separation/divorce, but let's see how it goes and his proposal and side of the story. I do not want to denied him my ability to listen, but the problem here is a trust issue that will be hard to solve.
- •
Thread Starter- Underestimated
- New member
Offline
Re: In the waiting game, but moving forward
Wondering89
I found out just 1 month ago and everyday a new piece of information comes to me. Today I found he is being using Tinder and Grindr to meet men. It is disappointing. Therefore, I'm talking to him next week because I don't want to prolong the agony.
I haven't chatted to close friends. I don't want to share his secret until he is ready to do it and until I know how to communicate this to our kids. They should be the 1st ones in knowing that dad will not stay with us and the reasons behind us. I need to wait to the counselling session to guide me on this. Nevertheless, this days have been horrible, thanks God he is traveling, I would have exploted but something is giving me strength to wait and talk like it should be.
- •
Thread Starter- Underestimated
- New member
Offline
Re: In the waiting game, but moving forward
Hi Wondering89. Are you still with your husband or did you divorced him? After not sleeping last night I thought that the best will be separation. I don't think I will try anything else. I'm very disappointed and angry because he has used me to build this facade life of happy family. I have worked long nights to keep this family financially afloat.I don't need anyone that does not fulfill my needs next to me. I won't be able to fulfill his because I'm a woman.
I have his old cell phone and the accounts are linked. I don't know why I didn't look at it before.
Last edited by Underestimated (May 10, 2018 8:08 am)
- •
Thread Starter- Kathyd
- Member
Offline
Re: In the waiting game, but moving forward
Ughhh. Feeling quite a setback as warned. There's nothing to distract me going on this weekend. Mothers Day will be a bust because my daughter hasn't talked to me since this happened. My therapist said I was her rock and I was crumbling. She couldn't stand to see it happen. She did tell me that she felt terrible that she couldn't help me but WTF, that was 4 months ago.
Dumped again. The date I had 2 weeks ago texts me but has not asked me out for this weekend. Not sure what went wrong but we had alot of fun. I'm sure he's probably seeing someone else too.
My husband's truck was seen at the womain's house that he had a 2.5 year affair with. Give me a god dam break here.
WTF
- Dee
- Member
Offline
Re: In the waiting game, but moving forward
You’re doing great Kathyd,
Look at this as an opportunity to focus , probably for the first time, on YOU! Do things that make you feel good and happy, buy yourself some Mother’s Day flowers, get a mani/ pedicure. I know its awful right now, but I promise it gets better. Don’t worry where his car is, you deserve better, and he’s someone else’s problem now. One day at a time,. Hugs.
- Ellexoh_nz
- Member
Offline
Re: In the waiting game, but moving forward
Kathyd wrote:
Ughhh. Feeling quite a setback as warned. There's nothing to distract me going on this weekend. Mothers Day will be a bust because my daughter hasn't talked to me since this happened. My therapist said I was her rock and I was crumbling. She couldn't stand to see it happen. She did tell me that she felt terrible that she couldn't help me but WTF,
Kathy..although I told 3 of my children what's happening in my world...none of them really knows how to open a conversation about it. So you should take the bull by the horns and ask your daughter it she'd like to have dinner, go to a movie on Sunday.
Nothing is fair about this. But we keep loving our children especially when it's Mother's Day
Reach out to her Kathy
KIA KAHA
- Roo
- Member
Offline
Re: In the waiting game, but moving forward
Underestimated,
First, I'm sorry you found yourself here and what you are dealing with. Good for you that you are going to counseling. I have yet to take that step. I have supported my husbands 'bisexuality' in the beginning, but now I'm not so sure I want to. He told me it was only on man (and for several years) but I am finding out he likes to go to gay clubs for strange hook-ups. Yet, he is always wanting sex from me. So, I'm always in a state of confusion as to what is really going on.
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~
- OutofHisCloset
- Member
Offline
Re: In the waiting game, but moving forward
Roo,
Have you considered that his wanting sex from you is a particularly pernicious and damaging form of gaslighting? Could he be using sex with you to sow that confusion in your mind?