I am sorry you need to be here.  I know this feels like the bottom has dropped out of your world.  You are in shock--and this is why you are not able to function. 
  You have already started, by coming here, telling your story, and finding a community of those of us who have been through it (or are still going through it).
   There are a lot of things you can do for yourself: first and foremost, as he is having sex with men, get tested for STDs and practice safe sex with him; second, it would be extremely helpful for you to get away from him or get him out of the house even for a short period of time, because you need some breathing room, an opportunity to process your thoughts without his presence.  You can also do these things: practice self care (including by working with a therapist trained in trauma--don't get a "gender specialist," who may pressure you to believe it is your job to support your husband's cross dressing and transgender trolling for sex with men); educate yourself on autogynephilia, because from what you describe--cross dressing for the first time at adolescence, watching shemale porn, even seeking men for sex (to validate his sense of himself as a woman if he's cross dressed)--your husband fits the profile; go to a lawyer to find out what your rights are under the law should you decide at some future time to divorce (don't feel as if getting this information obligates you; approach this as "getting information in case"); watch your bank accounts closely, because he can spend a lot of money on this habit/fetish.   
   Part of educating yourself is also to understand that our reactions to discovery/disclosure follow a pattern: initial shock; disbelief; a desire to salvage the marriage by our own actions, which provides us with the illusion of control; trying to understand his perspective (an attempt to put yourself in his shoes--and wondering why he can't do the same for you); trying to understand how and why he acquired it (delving into his past and his family of origin issues); countering any thought that you CAN leave (like saying your daughter would not want to leave).  Eventually you will work your way past these, but it's important to understand these early responses, because you can get wrapped up in them--for years even!--and knowing that you are following a pattern of response may give you the perspective you need to get through it faster.  Realize first and foremost that your husband has been living in the closet for a long time, and the preservation of that closet will be his primary goal.  He wants to stay married to protect that closet.  He will sacrifice you for it; this is why he "goes forward" even though he knows it "breaks [your] heart."  Be prepared for him to act in an utterly selfish way and be utterly narcissistic about his demands.  You are of use to him; you are not his primary interest.
    To take the shock out of the discovery he's seeking sex with men, stop and ask yourself what your response would be if you discovered he has a history of seeking sex with female prostitutes.  Would you seek to stay with a man who had betrayed you and put your health in danger?    Would you want your daughter around him?
   Because your daughter is on the cusp of adolescence you need to know that he is likely tol find that developmental state fascinating; I'm not saying he will seek to cross sexual boundaries with your daughter, but he will be inordinately interested in everything to do with her development into a woman, and it may prompt a quickening of his own interests and an escalation in his behavior in acting and dressing as a woman.  
  He can't give it up because it is his sexual orientation; autogynephilia is a sexuat targeting error in which the heterosexual object of attraction is located inside the self--the woman he dresses up as.  Such men are also "capable to a limited degree" (here I'm quoting Bailey) of being attracted to actually existing women--in this case, you.  But you are competing for his sexual interest with the woman he imagines himself to be when he is dressing up.  The pull waxes and wanes, but it never goes away, and it often escalates.
 Here are some links/citations for you to pursue:
First and foremost, look online for and download a copy of the book by the psychologist Michael Bailey, called "The Man Who Would Be Queen."  It has a very clear description of autogynephilia.  Look up the work of the transwoman and psychologist Anne Lawrence, who describes such men as "Men Trapped in Men's Bodies."  Read the memoir by Christine Benevenuto, "Sex Changes," which is about her husband becoming a transwoman.  Look up the blog "Diary of a Transwidow," which has good account of the author's experience when her husband decided he was transgender.  There are several websites maintained by transwomen or detransitioned men (men who formerly lived as women) with eye-opening perspectives: one is "autogynephiliatruth"; on that site one of the pages has links to referred articles: (https://autogynephiliatruth.wordpress.com/2015/08/02/library-page-of-pdf-articles-about-gender-identity-fakeness-and-autogynephilia-reality/)  This site also has a downloadable link to "The Man Who Would Be Queen." 

I know this is a lot to take in.  Breathe.  Take it slow.  We're here. 
  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (May 8, 2018 11:02 am)

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (August 26, 2019 2:41 pm)

Thank you out of his closet.

Wow. Thank you so much for taking the
Time to turn the lights on for me. Everything you just said is everything I didnt want to hear but had to.
Thank you  I don't feel so alone anymore.
Xoxo

Last edited by Hurtingwife (May 8, 2018 6:21 pm)

I feel your pain, I recently discovered TGT, too.  Stay connected on SSN , you will get a lot of support here. You are still in shock, this is a long process, a roller coaster of emotions, crying to anger to resentment. So many unanswered questions.  Do your best to take care of yourself, establish a support system.

We are here for you.

Wow Kathy D you have been through hell and back .But your on our way back ad that is what matters. 
I know the mixed emotion part. I love him ~I hate him  I want to punch him~ I want to hug him.
He is still here. He isn't admitting it.  What I need to do is get my act together and come up with plan b so I don't completely fall apart.
I am on medication in general. But in going to my doctor.  Time for  a change.
Thank you