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August 17, 2016 4:03 pm  #11

Re: Putting the pieces together

How else would you suggest to get proof?


August 17, 2016 4:34 pm  #12

Re: Putting the pieces together

How else would you suggest getting the truth?

     Thread Starter

August 17, 2016 4:35 pm  #13

Re: Putting the pieces together

How else would you go about finding the truth?

     Thread Starter

August 17, 2016 5:28 pm  #14

Re: Putting the pieces together

Private eye, computer tracking software, snooping, knowing email and social media passwords.  The same old stuff you would do for a normal cheating spouse.  But at some point you have to sit down with yourself and have a heart to heart and ask yourself isn't this enough proof?  That's what I had to do.  I never found the smoking gun or a craig's list ad.  But lie after lie about jerking off to men and ordering dildos became my breaking point.  Once I finally decided I deserved more than liar who jerks off to men, takes 1000s of naked pics of himself, and orders secret dildos to shove up his rear I was able to let go and move on. 


August 17, 2016 8:53 pm  #15

Re: Putting the pieces together


Well you can continue to snoop which I did and I guess I can recommend. .but you will find yourself asking "why am I doing this?"   

The lack of trust will eat you up.
You'll have to just keep things normal and be aware of his actions looking for red flags such as;

Constant texting even at night or in bed.
Taking his phone with him to the bathroom.
Password protected phone that he won't let you use or see.
Seeing/meeting a friend often or at unusual hours.  Ie.  There are few stores open at midnight and he should be with you at those hours..

Just keep observing and praying. Just remember to be kind to yourself.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

August 18, 2016 10:13 am  #16

Re: Putting the pieces together

So how do you go about getting proof?

     Thread Starter

August 18, 2016 10:22 am  #17

Re: Putting the pieces together

Emma, perhaps it would help us to answer your question if you told us a little more of your story and exactly what you mean by proof.  There have been many answers to your question. What proof exactly are you seeking?

Last edited by WendiT (August 18, 2016 10:23 am)

"No matter how hard the journey may be, remember to be kind to yourself..."

August 18, 2016 11:28 am  #18

Re: Putting the pieces together


Do you *need* proof?  It seems like we do when we're wading through the mess.  It is only in retrospect that we often realize that we knew deep down that we just weren't happy, and that there was no hope left in us that things would change.  And that's all there is - a deep unhappiness that we're tired of living in.  THAT is your "proof" that you should move on.  Maybe you're not there yet, or don't realize that you are.  And that's okay.  But if you're there, no amount of proof (or lack of it) is going to change the situation - even if you don't have all the answers you want/need.

There are tons of us here who DO have "proof" - to the point of knowing that their spouse has/is cheating on them - emails to tell us that they've been doing so for years.  Private investigator proof.  Proof to the point of them getting a disease and giving it to us.  And STILL - they deny.  Even if they admit to some cheating, they still deny being gay.  So if what you're looking for is proof that he's gay, you may NEVER get it.  We get wrapped up in this notion that if they don't say they're gay, then they're not gay, and we're just in a marriage with someone who has behaved poorly and wants another chance.  Heck, even when they admit they're gay, we sometimes still try to figure out how to make that work within our marriage.  My point is that "proof" is very subjective.  But in the end, it's about whether you think you can be happy with this person, and the behaviors they've been exhibiting (that you think won't change).  If that answer is no, then you don't need proof.  Unless you're looking for it for divorce purposes (which you would need to verify through a lawyer - because some states are "no fault", and it won't matter WHAT you find).

I know this time is confusing and full of anxiety.  I'd encourage you to look at the big picture, rather than honing in on whether he stepped out of the marriage.  If you're perpetually unhappy, then that's all the reason you need, really.  Misery is its own proof.


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

August 18, 2016 6:29 pm  #19

Re: Putting the pieces together

I am so sorry for my repeated post--I didn't realize there was a second page.

So honestly I don't take huge issue to any of the changes he's made. He still makes me feel loved and if it weren't for his odd fantasy & increased curiosity in his nether regions during sex, I would never guess he was gay (just by the way he talks to other guys--very platonic, not touchy) and he still enjoys going down on me. I'm perplexed.

I don't know when he'd even have time to cheat. I know where he is almost all the time and he even knows I have him on GPS, which we setup a long time before I had these doubts.

I just don't know what to do. I just want to go back to my happy life before this insecurity started eating at my insides, but I also don't want to be stupid and wind up getting left, with a disease or whatnot.

Is the advice to just continue on watching and mistrusting his every word? It just seems like no way to live

     Thread Starter

August 18, 2016 8:17 pm  #20

Re: Putting the pieces together

Unfortunately, you only have two choices.  You can either continue your life as is with all these thoughts in your head while he wears tiny shorts, shares his fantasies about men, and asks for anal penetration, or you can move on.  Staying will involve either:  trusting completely while trying to put it out of your mind or continuing to keep your eyes open and watching for lies.  Those are your only two choices if you stay.  You can't take back what he's said or done.  And yes, it's a horrible way to live.

I know you wish to go back to how it was.  That's the awful part about this for all of us.  But the cat is out of the bag and the elephant is in the room.  HE made this choice.  He chose to share fantasies about men and ask for anal penetration.  He's telling you what he wants, what his fantasies are.  And he's showing you how he wants to dress. 

You say you don't take issue with any of the changes he's made.  If that's true, I'm not sure you would be here.  I'm so sorry.  You sound exactly like me when I first started searching for an answer.  It took me about three or four years to get sick of the BS and leave.  I don't even remember the timeline anymore and I don't care to.  I don't want to know how much time I wasted.  The honest truth is that his actions and his comments have left you no choice but to question him.  And you're right to do so.   


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