Roo,
 I can attest to the value of telling people close to you.  It's hard, but it helps shine a light into the dark closet, and helps us see the reality of the situation we've been placed in.  Part of getting out is getting a new perspective on our situation, because when we're in it, that reality comes to seem normal.  It's really good to realize it's not, and that we're not the ones with the problem. 
  It is hard to tell, but the shame is not yours.  It is his, for hiding behind you.  It took me a year and a half to tell a friend, another year to tell my mother--I told her, because like Duped I knew that once I told I would have to do something about my situation.  Now, nine months after telling my mother, and not yet two months of living out on my own, I have just begun to tell some of the people I work with who are close to me (and whom I'm known for 20 years or more).  I consider it part of my healing process, to be able to tell my story to those who are close to me, friends I shut out for three years because I was living in my stbx's closet.
 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (May 7, 2018 10:22 am)

Roo, 

Can I suggest an exercise for you to do?   Up to you if you want to share it here or keep it private.  

I'd like you to make a full list of all the different things impacting your decision to stay or leave your spouse.   I'm talking FULL list.  Not just a few of the big items or a few of the common themes...   I want a detailed list.. as many as you can think of.   These should include things you are scared about (finances, what people will think about you, impact on kids, etc..)  It should include things you aren't sure about as well.  List all the positives that you think would come and all the negatives and fears that you think would come.  The more things you can identify, the more effective this exercise will be.   I want you to get really creative with the positive things.. use your imagination.  Allow yourself to be optimistic and list as many things as you can..   If you can get to 100 or more that would be awesome. 

When you are done with this exercise you can continue reading my post and see why I want you to do it.  Don't cheat!




Here's why I want you to do this. 
I think you are paralyzed by your fear of the unknown.  I'm sure you have some big fears that are very clear to you, but I suspect there is this big cloud of unknown things that scares you right now.  If you can identify those issues and think them through I think you'll be able to eliminate much of that fear.  On the flip side, if you can identify all of the positives and have them identified in your head it will start to become more real and you will feel better about those things. 

Give it a shot and let us know what you want to share and talk about. 

Phoenix,
   That is a very good idea!  I know I did something like it, making lists of pros-cons for leaving or staying, another of what was keeping me there vs pushing me to leave, doing a cost-benefit analysis for leaving vs. staying (financially, even; I wrote down my likely expenses vs my assets like salary).  
  Just getting it out where I could see it and compare the lists helped me move past some of my fears.  The fear of the unknown is indeed big.  I used to think of those unknowns as all pitfalls and bad things, but what I found is that some of what I didn't know might happen to me was positive. I wasn't able to anticipate the ways in which people were willing to help me, or situations that opened up for me.

If you haven't already done so consult an attorney who handles asset divorces to find out what you likely would receive. He won't necessarily get to keep all of that "nice 401K" and if you continue to be a travel agent you will continue to be have access to discounts.

Once you have a better understanding of where you'd stand you will be in a better position to make decisions.

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Last edited by Estella Oculus (February 11, 2019 4:30 pm)