The private agony you're feeling precedes the confrontation; it's part of working up to it.  The desire to wait is both practical (until after the childrens' birthdays) but also born of your reluctance to do what you know will have to be done.  
     I think you will feel more in control of yourself and the situation if you make a plan.  You need to plan for your life in accordance with what you know.
    Here's what you know:  your husband is gay, he's been lying to you, he's willing to keep lying to you in order to stay in the closet, and having found evidence of his cheating on you with men for the second time, years apart, you can no longer deny this fact to yourself any longer.  
   Here's what what you know tells you: you cannot proceed any longer as if you were partners in your marriage.  You aren't.  He has been lying and deceiving you, and his focus is on himself and on living a hidden life of gay sex hook ups while maintaining the cover of a straight life.  You and your children are simply part of his cover story.  He does not have your interests at heart.  That's a brutally direct statement on my part, and I made it because you, having his interests and the interests of your children--your family--at heart, will naturally impute to him your own values.  Only when you see that he does not think like you, is not committed like you, can you begin to act in the longterm interest of yourself and your children.  
   What kind of plan might you make?  One that doesn't lock you into a version of "he said/she said," in that you say, "Are you gay" or "I know you're gay" and he says "No, I"m not gay, how could you think that?" That kind of exchange keeps you both locked in the house together.  So make a plan that includes confronting him with what you know but also takes action at the same time.  Walkby has some good suggestions about what else you might say: "give me a clear picture of the financials so I can plan my next move."  You might also decide to say what you know. tell him what information you want, and remove yourself and your children from the house--would your parents be willing (and able) to let you move in for a bit or otherwise help you resettle on your own?  (Or you might make a plan that requires him to move out.)  The important thing is that you don't put yourself in the position of ceding action to him.  You act.  You don't say "what are you going to do about what I know" (which leaves you dependent on his action, and he will be acting to preserve the status quo of the closet at all costs, and will sacrifice you for it); you say, "Here's what I'm going to do now that I know what I know."  And then you do it.  
    
  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (May 18, 2018 6:13 am)

Thank you for your messages.
I have to admit I’ve still done nothing, I’ve said nothing, I’ve carried on like everything is fine. Burying what I found until every couple of days I think about it. It makes he feel so sick. I don’t know how to tackle it.
I have an extremely supportive family and could go and stay with them at the drop of a hat but I don’t want to tell them about it. I don’t want to tell anyone, I suppose doing so makes it real!
Im in denial I suppose I keep questioning how can he be gay? There are no other signs, nothing at all in my mind he’s always been completely straight. It’s so hard and I feel so alone! Xx

It’s strange because if I had evidence he’d been taking d**k pics and posting them on straight hook up sites I’d have confronted him straight away but this is just so different. It’s the whole lie, the while other life he must be leading or at least wants to lead.
I know I’m protecting him by not telling anyone, I don’t want to share such a big secret with other people, it’s not my secret to tell at the end of the day but if I moved out people would want to know why and what would I say?!
I’m desperate to ask him about it but scared too as I don’t want to face it. I want it to be a big misunderstanding, for there to be a reasonable explanation but I know that there isn’t.
I’m so lost. I feel sick all the time. I’m miserable and snappy and it’s not fair on any of us.
I just don’t want to face reality but can’t keep living in a bubble that is so close to popping.

Fi, I know that you don’t want to face reality. I’ve been there. Unfortunately though once you know, and you do know, it is something you can’t “unknow” for lack of a better word. It will always be there and be with you. Even if you don’t think about it for short periods of time things will never go back to before you knew. No matter how much you want it to be some terrible misunderstanding and want the relationship you believed you had with a straight person it’s just gone. Also I don’t know your age, but you did mention being pregnant with your daughter 3 years ago, so I’m assuming you are younger these spouses do not get better with age they get worse. I can say this from my own experience and what others have posted. And I agree with Daryl he made this part of your story. Not saying you should tell anyone and everyone, but you do have a right to seek support from friends and relatives without guilt.

    May I ask you what you hope to achieve by broaching this conversation with your husband?  Confirmation of what you already know to be true?  (And yes, ass pix signal he's a "bottom" in a gay sex encounter.)  The chances he will admit the truth are less than zero, and then you're left with nothing better than you have now; in fact, then you'll be plagued with doubts--"But he told me he isn't gay, so how can I leave?"  Many on here have had much to say about their husbands' denial and stonewalling and gaslighting when asked the question.  All you do is give him an opportunity to deceive and lie to you if you ask him for the truth.

  None of us wanted to admit it, or for "it to be the end."  But the marriage you thought you had is already over (in fact it never was).   You need to stop thinking about "us" and start thinking about "me and my daughter."  It's a good impulse for you to think about what you'd tell a friend if she were in your shoes.  Now switch that up a little: think about what a friend would say to you--or think about being the friend to yourself--and follow that advice.