Thank you everyone. That gives me a different perspective than how I was looking at it. GH is absolutely ruining his already rough relationship with our children. His frustration and the fear of coming out is making him an a$$.   My daughters counselor told her months ago that her father was inflicting emotional abuse on then. We are scheduled to separate by the end of the month. However I don’t know if I can let him behave that way with the kids for that long. He was being so great through this up until now. Here comes the real person that I knew all along.
Again, thank you for your input. It is valued and appreciated.

Last edited by jesijake (May 2, 2018 7:50 pm)

jkpeace wrote:

Jesijake:  

As I see it, a straight spouse has 2 choices:

1.  Choose to continue keeping the truth from our children.  This damages the children, as they will always wonder: What was wrong?  Why was my parents' marriage so strained and unhealthy?  Why was there not more joy available to me, as we were growing up?  Was I part of the problem?  Did I cause problems for my parents?  

If they ever do find out, they may think that being gay is the problem.  I never want my children to think that being gay is a problem.    Choice # 1 keeps us, the straight spouses, in limbo.  It strains our hearts and minds, in an unceasing way, inhibiting our own healing.  Choice #1 makes us wonder, continuously, "Should I tell or not?"  Continuing to keep an unhealthy secret is unhealthy.

2.  Tell the truth and allow healing to begin.  

There is pain, in both choices.  Healing is only possible, with choice #2.

 

It also damages them another way. They think that kind of relationship is normal and healthy. I am a firm believer in modeling behavior for our children. In fact, that was a huge factor in asking my STBX to leave. If either of my children, heaven forbid, came to me in a similar situation and was profoundly unhappy (as I was), what would I want them to do. I would never want them to think they couldn't leave and start over. They are seeing that I am doing it, so I hope they would feel they could do it to. Even if I'm no longer here to talk to them, I hope they would remember my example. That I took back my life and became happy again.

Stay Strong.

I'd just like to add that for the past generation the phrase 'they grew apart'  is likely to have meant a MOM in melt down.  The other thing I remember them saying was that the saddest marriage was where one had a stronger sex drive than the other.  That also is likely to have been a MOM.

Kathyd, I worry my daughter will have a similar reaction to the one your daughter had.  But, I am so strongly in agreement that deception is unacceptable.

I think my husband probably thought "what they don't know won't hurt them" but that's objectively false.  When our daughter doesn't have a full understanding of the facts, she will fill in the blanks herself, and the narrative she chooses will very much hurt her.  Jkpeace is right in saying: "Once my children knew WHY their father was acting so horribly  ... it was better for the children's mental health."  This is what I'm thinking about our situation.  There were too many times my husband exploded in a rage at my daughter over something irrational ... and now I understand he was angry because he couldn't come up with a good cover story and wanted her to stop asking questions.

This was not some "victimless crime" in our house.  There are two very live victims, and part of the problem is that there was a secret.

For anybody interested in this topic generally -- I just finished moving my daughter out after graduation.  I'd decided to tell her after graduation so it wouldn't ruin all the festivities for her.  She was moving from DC up to NYC, and I went out to help her, so after we packed her stuff up and loaded everything into a rental car, we had a good five hours of uninterrupted time when the stress of getting through finals, graduation, and packing/moving was all behind us.  So that's when I told her.

​Right now, she's very, very angry with him, although her first reaction was that she was terrified he'd do something stupid.  She knew I'd discussed with him in advance that I was going to tell her, so she sent him a very sweet e-mail telling him that she loved him and just wanted him to be happy.  He responded shortly after telling her pretty much the same thing.  I'm glad she did this, because within 24 hours her compassion had evaporated and she was mad as hell at him for what he'd put me through, and what he'd put both of us through.  

​We're now in NYC unpacking her, and she hasn't had any more communication with him.  I know I've had several months to gradually absorb the stuff she's only known for 24 hours, and I tell her to take her time and give herself a little breathing room here.  So yeah, one foot in front of the other.  Right now, she's far angrier than I am, but again, I've had time.