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April 19, 2018 4:29 pm  #1


Can anyone give advice? PLS.. would love to hear a gay mans thoughts!

I desperately need help. This is a long story and I am doubtful anyone will care to read or give advice... but it would mean the world to me. I am confident my boyfriend is gay and I feel alone and cannot ask friends or family without compromising his anonymity. I do not want to ruin his life or force him to deal with being outed, because as hurt as I am I still care about him immensely. It would be much easier if he wasn’t in such strong denial. He makes it feel impossible to leave him because he swears he loves me and has no attraction to men. So why am I so sure that he is in denial? Please read on...

I have been in a relationship with him for 8 months - the blink of an eye compared to the stories I’ve read of 20+ year marriages with in kids being ended for this reason.. I can’t imagine, and my heart breaks for these women.. I want to escape before it comes to that for me.

Upon meeting him (he is 30, I am in my late 20s) he was very open with me about his travels. His entire family are frequent travellers. Around age 26, after breaking up with his ex girlfriend of 6 years, he began making yearly solo trips to Thailand for months at a time *queue the lady boy remarks*. He is a very unconventional, hippy sort of guy. He works construction (very masculine, doesn’t exude any feminine traits) during the warm months and flees for the the winter. He already had his yearly Thailand trip booked when he met me, but shortened his trip to 2 months instead of 4 because he didn’t want to be away from me for so long. He was eager for me to join him but I could not due to work.

The beginning of our relationship was very passionate. We were immediately enamoured with eachother, fell in love abnormally quickly, and were equally convinced we were to get married and start our forever together. I have never been doted upon so much - he could never get his hands off me, everyone remarked on how much he clearly adored me. Then it went wrong...

About a month into his trip, things began to go awry. He was out partying until 3-4am every night and drunk, and we would argue. It felt like he began to resent me. By the time he came back, it was downhill from there. He was never the same, and although ALWAYS maintained he loved me and had never loved anyone so much, his behaviour was different. I attributed it to post-vacation depression, winter blues, and finally.. I concluded he might have cheated on me and his guilt was the driving force of his almost mentally abusive behaviour.

Finally, I took it upon myself to view his phone. I found excessive amounts of porn, but the most surprising part is that half of it, potentially even most of it, was gay porn. I found through his app history that he had been downloading apps like grindr, growlr, daddy hunt, scruff, and the like since before he met me... and continued doing so throughout our relationship. These downloads happened as frequently as almost every other day, I am not even sure how he found so much time in privacy because we were inseparable. I found he had looked up a gay only hostel and a gay bar within his first week in Thailand. In an emotional rage, I continued to search his emails and found that in the past he had responded to and posted adds for gay personal encounters - it was clear in his posts he was interested in playing the submissive role, by being a bottom or providing oral. There was no evidence that he had ever followed through.

Upon confronting him - he reacted with rage and anger. Accusing me of invading his privacy, trying to ruin his life. Finally, he admitted to what he could not deny, but maintained strongly that he has NO attraction to men emotionally and that it was his deepest darkest most perverted secret that he has been ashamed of for the past few years. He vows he has never acted on these “kinks” or “perversions”, and it was the taboo that made things exciting. He claimed any time he searched these things, he felt remorse and guilt and disgusted with himself. He maintains that he wants a life with a woman, he loves me and is extremely sexually attracted to me, and he never thought of this behaviour as cheating although now he can see that it was, even if he didn’t actually engage in gay sex.

I have told him that whether he is gay or not won’t change the fact that he is a best friend to me and I care for him immensely. That I will not abandon him and judge him, or reveal his secret. I have tried to make him feel comfortable enough to be transparent. The furthest I have ever got with him is him agreeing that he may be “5% bicurious”.

As for our sex life, it started to fade in the last month after this coming to light and has become much more mechanical and much less passionate. He has always been a toker and has since started smoking ridiculous amounts of weed all day, and falling asleep on the couch.

No matte how many times I try to open up the discussion, it gets brushed under the rug and I am made to feel as though I am crazy, or as though I just don’t understand. It’s true- I don’t understand. But I have read about men who spend their entire lives with a woman, loving them even, having healthy sex lives, and then revealing that they are in fact gay. I think I know the answer I am looking for. I more so need to hear someone else say it to me. He is gay and I am being dragged into the closet with him... right?

 

April 19, 2018 4:55 pm  #2


Re: Can anyone give advice? PLS.. would love to hear a gay mans thoughts!

I’m sorry you find yourself here. Most of us will recognise ourselves in your post when we first found out. Then we find out the truth...that they are out and out liars and cheats. He’s bullshitting you, he is actively seeking encounters with men and you can bet your bottom dollar he has been up to all sorts in Thailand, I know you are desperate not to believe that but he didn’t go there for a suntan for sure.

I’m sorry this is painful but you need to read this board and see how many times we were all wrong about the cheating and how we wanted to support them and stay friends and all they did was continue to lie to our faces.

Run now, do not chain yourself to this man.

Last edited by Duped (April 19, 2018 4:56 pm)

 

April 19, 2018 9:55 pm  #3


Re: Can anyone give advice? PLS.. would love to hear a gay mans thoughts!

If you want a gay man's thoughts, post what you have written on Sean's thread in the section called "Is s/he gay."  Then tighten your seat belt, because Sean is going to serve you up a heaping helping of truth. 
  
 I will say that what you are describing as the progress of your relationship is the classic narcissist's playbook: lovebombing to rush the commitment and secure you,then devaluing, with all the attendant classics like rage and gaslighting (trying to convince you that you don't remember the facts, or presenting alternative versions that you know not to be true). 

 You don't have so much time invested--which is not to belittle your pain--and you don't have children or a legal entanglement.  I'd suggest you stop trying to be understanding and loyal, and detach from him, physically and emotionally.  The man is looking for a beard, to convince the world and himself that he's straight; don't commit yourself to serving that purpose for him.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (April 19, 2018 9:55 pm)

 

April 20, 2018 1:13 am  #4


Re: Can anyone give advice? PLS.. would love to hear a gay mans thoughts!

As was mentioned in a previous reply, I found myself in your post. I am truly sorry and know exactly how hurt you are. Please end your romantic relationship as soon as possible. I spent 10 years unknowingly living a lie and being made out to be the crazy suspicious one.

You owe it to yourself to find someone who does not lie and cheat, or at least to be on your own and healthy and happy. My ex came close to destroying me with his lies, and it is just now with my divorce being done and rebuilding my life that I am starting to feel self worth and true happiness again. If you stay it will only get worse. I wish you the best.

 

April 20, 2018 11:44 am  #5


Re: Can anyone give advice? PLS.. would love to hear a gay mans thoughts!

Girl, count your blessings you found out as much as you did early and didn't spend years living the lie!
If that man ain't 100% gay now he will be. It's a fact that men who lean that way only get gayer with age and other things come into play that add to it. I'm sorry you founs yourself here and I've been praying for all the people going through or about to go through this to get what they need to get out...
The more we blind ourselves into thinking these men will change, they will not! It doesn't matter how much they claim they love you...maybe they do or they just love the 'idea' of what you represent; a beautiful cover for a sham of a life they concoct for themselves while living the 'taboo' on the side.
These are nothing but selfish players that hook everyone around them so their lie looks believable.
When us spouses stick our head in the sand and stick it out with them, it only enables them and others on that same path to continue their crap and destroy more lives.
Get out now! Please listen to these people. They've been there and know. We care and are here for you so you don't have to go through what so many do. 
It's a useless and draining life no matter how good it feels at times. 
Lies are never good. Stay alert and learn while you disarm yourself from this man so you'll see clues in the future for others like him. I wish you all the best. Your young and have a whole lot of life to live.
Live it authentically and let this loser figure his way on his own.

 

April 20, 2018 11:57 am  #6


Re: Can anyone give advice? PLS.. would love to hear a gay mans thoughts!

Hi Isthisreal, 

Welcome to the forum. 
You've gotten some great advice already, but if you want a gay man's opinion I would encourage you to post in the following thread:    http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=263&p=101

Sean is a great resource to the group, but as his presence here can feel like a threat or trigger to some people I've asked him to post only in that one dedicated thread.   


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

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