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April 18, 2018 8:16 pm  #1

You're Kidding Me, Right?

Our story sounds like so many others. We've been together for 24 years, married for 22, 20 year old daughter & 19 year old son. Met when he was going through cancer, dealt with 15 years of opioid  addiction, he suffered a heart attack @ 40, started drinking heavier, had multiple pancreatitis episodes, finally sober.
By the way, my middle name is Codependent! 
I thought our next 20+ years would be a breeze. We are almost on the verge of being empty nesters. Maybe the honeymoon would start over again.  3 years ago I asked him to go to counseling with me for our marriage.  It had become sexless for the past 10 years. Of course I believed it was my fault, since that is what he told me. Or that it was the medications, because that is also what he told me. We went to therapy and things got better. Sex was back on the table and much more often. I thought we were really hitting our stride.  I tried harder. But finally realized that I was the only one putting any effort into the marriage, and a year ago, I stopped trying.
The past 6 months he's been really irritable. He had a huge fight that almost became physical with my son. His emotions were getting out of control. We all asked him to seek help with whatever it was that was making him this way. We knew the real man would come around. The one that is so engaging. The life of the party. A real man's man. Successful business man. 

What I didn't expect was that 3 weeks ago, when I asked him to tell me what was really going on, he would tell me "I'm gay". My exact words were "You're kidding, right?" 
I mean come on - I've known this man forever. We've been through everything together. Are you kidding me??
He tells me that the counselor he's been going to specializes in working with the LGBT community. Of course I have a million questions, but was so in shock I couldn't think of anything to say.
He knew when he was 8, but buried it deep inside. He's covered the feeling with all the drug and alcohol abuse. When he got sober 6 years ago, he started realizing these feelings were real, but still did nothing about them. I believe him when he says that he has not experienced same sex sex. I believe that he never strayed from the marriage at all. I know that may seem naive, but it's my belief at the moment. I went and spoke with his counselor with his permission and he believes him as well. But also validated that he is, in fact, gay.
My marriage is over. My heart is breaking. This man I devoted 1/2 of my life to has crushed my heart and soul. Yet I still love him. I still want the best for him. And I don't know how to process all of these back and forth feelings and make sure that I am putting myself first.
We are working on logistics now. I feel positive that as soon as we physically split up, he will take that leap and begin exploring his new found sexuality. I worry for him.
I worry for my children, who do not yet know. I can't even begin to figure out how to explain this to them. We did let them know that we are breaking up, which didn't seem like a huge shock to them. (it was to me!) I feel my daughter will be loving and accepting, but I'm not sure about my son. He and his father have had a lot of animosity over the last few years, and it was usually "dad" being over-reactionary.  
If you've read this - thank you. I haven't told my story to anyone except for my sister & 1 friend. 
Let's see how this goes.

Update: 6.9.19
That first year after finding out was the most difficult year of my life.  I'm officially on the other side of that year.  The divorce was finalized 25 years to the date of our first "date".  Things have not been easy, but it's better than being with him.  My daughter is now confused about who she is.  My son has nothing to do with his father, not because he is gay, but because he has no respect for him and sees him as a complete hypocrite.
Even though my family is still in distress, I'm just happy not to have to figure out what I am doing wrong all the time.  What I have come to realize is that he is a complete narcissist and has overshadowed everyone in our family. 
For those of you starting your own journey, don't be afraid.  It will eventually be the most liberating thing you will go through.  Not easy, but liberating.  Don't be fooled by the fictional husband/wife you have imagined in your mind.  This is not who you are dealing with.  The person who has been deceiving you for all this time is not your friend.  Do what you need to do to escape with what you need.  I was overly kind and accepting of him during the entire divorce.  I was afraid of what he can be like and knew I needed to play along to make sure that I was taken care of.  I stated at the beginning of this journey that I believed everything that he told me about not being with anyone, etc.  I still don't have proof that anything went on, but I no longer accept what he has told me.  Whether he was or not makes no difference to me now.  He's a liar.  He's a deceiver.  He is not and has never been a friend to me.  He only uses what he needs.  He just got in too deep to get out and save face. 
I cried every single day for 250+ days.  My sister asked me what made me cry. Was is that I missed him? Was it that I still loved him?  No - it was because I had been deceived by someone who was supposed to be my best friend.  It was shocking and heart breaking to have been so deceived.  I will repeat - I now know - He was NEVER my friend.
Do what you have to, to get away.  Whether it's sending them on their merry way, or you are making a way somehow for yourself and kids.  Get out and get tested!

Last edited by jesijake (June 9, 2019 4:16 pm)


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