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- willjenkins
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Re: After 23 years of marriage
Duped: She has only told me of the same sex attraction returning because I asked her point blank. The first time I asked her, knowing that she's bisexual (this was known when we married), "If I were to die do you think you'd end up with a man or a woman after me?"
Then, most recently, I was listening to a program about gender expression and someone mentioned that gay people sometimes go their whole lives without coming out, or stay in marriages for decades while repressing their sexual orientation. I went to her and asked if this was what was happening with her. A long, hours and hours long, conversation unfolded wherein through what amounted to cross-examination she said she sometimes felt a sinking feeling when she thought of going to her grave without living as a lesbian. I suggested separation she begged me not to give up on her.
She has not been able to really explain her orientation adequately, says she's not even sure herself. She is a conflict avoider by nature.
- willjenkins
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Re: After 23 years of marriage
phoenix: You give good advice. I think my best way forward is to not let the issue drop while letting something like normality return. I wear her out with questions I think.
That said, she does turn down opportunities to reassure me. She can't bring herself to really say that she has romantic feelings for me. Sexual attraction? Yes. Romantic feelings? She has become a cynic about romance.
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: After 23 years of marriage
lily wrote:
....... bisexuals are same sex attracted.......it didn't change the fact that my sexuality was being repressed alongside his. It numbed me to my pain.
Yes
KIA KAHA
- lily
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Re: After 23 years of marriage
Hi Will,
You talk about it as if the main problem is you asking too many questions! Yes. It is all too easy to end up feeling you shouldn't even be asking the question. I am not a fly on the wall in your house but it seems to me likely that your questioning is entirely fair and reasonable. Like this one.
" lily: She is affectionate. That isn't the problem...it's more that I know that if I were in a relationship with a man I would be unhappy. I have trouble understanding how she can feel attracted to me while mostly being attracted to women. "
well exactly. Good question and somehow ideas of 'sexual fluidity' don't satisfactorily answer it do they when she is still unhappy.
You've said she is honest and open with you, romantic affectionate loving faithful and sexually attracted to you. But also say she's depressed and anxious and you are not to blame for this at all, Will.
this is a painful thing to talk about - we only come here because it's reached a stage where you do need your questions answered.
Last edited by lily (April 16, 2018 5:15 pm)
- willjenkins
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Re: After 23 years of marriage
lily and Wondering98: I feel like you two are representing my own contradictory feelings very neatly. I swing back and forth between wanting to be patient with her and wanting definite answers.
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: After 23 years of marriage
ha ha - yes. Wondering has just arrived here and I moved into my own place over 4 years ago now. I was with my ex for 37 years, I was 19 when we met and he was a few years older. I was naive and did not imagine that someone would deceive another in matters of the heart.
The thing I remember about being 40 was how weak I felt. It's that point when you first face up to the inevitable regrets - won't be an ice skating champion then, that sort of thing. But the thing is by the time you hit 50's you are on an upswing again so be kind to yourself, be your own best friend and listen to your gut.
wishing you all the best, Lily