Hi Will,

this is quite a common tale.  tho you seem to be getting more sex than most straight husbands.

I am going to guess tho, because you are wanting to bring things to a head, that it is not bringing the emotional intimacy your instinct says it should.  which is certainly how it was for me and the last time we had sex I found myself crying afterwards I was so sad and my husband got out of bed and said that's it, I'm not going to do it with you any more if you cry.  I stayed a long time further but neither of us wanted sex any more.

my ex identified as bisexual (tho he hid this from me for 37 years) but in the short period we talked about it before he clammed up again I gained the impression that it was men he liked, truth be known.  such a common tale that there was a saying here when I found this site - bi now, gay later.

Yes um what is the choppy sea it is saving you from?  that's the question.  what makes it so important it has to be true even if it isn't (i don't believe it's true, it sounds like bi-lesbian talk to me) but why does it matter so much that she did feel attracted to you albeit now she is saying it's 'mostly' women.

I think the answer to that is that if it is not true, if she has only ever been sexually attracted to women then who is she?    23 years is a long time to hide not feeling romantic towards you.  there is this element of betrayal and deceit.  I don't know if you've heard the saying that often your feelings are a better indicator of what is going on than your thoughts.  but to me it's like if you got the bruises then that's where you got hit.

Yes, I think you're right - repressing your sexuality leads to depression and anxiety.

at one stage my ex had an entire wardrobe of grey clothes, even down to his natty underpants.

in the end tho, it was me who came down with the bout of serious depression.  I am still angry with him for that - he watched me suffer and knew why and did nothing but lap it up - I was taking all the blame.  I was doing his depression for him.

I am telling you this, and believe me it is a subject I don't like to dwell on because I left my ex around 40 and I wish I hadn't returned to him and gone through that, it was hell on wheels.

From what I understand bisexuals are same sex attracted, their affections go back and forth but when it comes down to it they fantasise about someone with the same body they have.  I would guess that every time your wife develops romantic feelings for another woman it impairs her ability to be affectionate with you.

Every so often he would give me a hug.  less and less as the years went by.  The chemistry of that hug was oxytocin rich - it was instantly soothing.  But it didn't change the fact that my sexuality was being repressed alongside his.  It numbed me to my pain.

Will, I am as ever the cynic. Have you thought about why she has now told you of her SSA returning? If she doesn’t want to explore it then wouldn’t it have sufficed to tell you she felt lonely and wanted more connection? Perhaps you should entertain the idea that she is getting you to do the headwork here and hoping that you might instigate setting her free rather than her do the dirty work? Because you sound like a great man who would put her first and my bet is she knows this.