Welcome to the club none of us ever wanted to be in. I'm guessing you've read much of what has been posted here in the past so you know we fully comprehend the situation. I also see you've already begun to offer your experience and thoughts on other posts so thank you for stepping out of the shadows.

Welcome! This forum is a lifeline for those of us going through this process, because only people who have been through this can truly understand! Thinking of you.

Thank you, kind people, for your welcome.  Yes, it has been nothing but lies for 30 years.  And I feel that his lies were not out of confusion or shame, but rather a very intentional tactic to have cake.  So many layers of hurt, but probably the most devastating part is that he made absolutely no effort to comfort me as he walked out the door.  Even with his almost complete lack of empathy, he knew how crushing this was to me and he offered nothing.  No hug, no apology, no remorse, no reassurances that he ever loved me or that anything had ever been real.  He was wrapped up in his own self-pity about how HE was affected and had nothing to offer me.  He knew what words he could have said, even if they were lies, that could have given me some small thing to hold onto and he said nothing.  Such an asshole.  The outside world, if/when they learn the truth, will likely view him as "brave" and "having suffered internally" and all that coming out of the closet "hero" stuff, which for many gays is true and authentic.  But not this guy.  He is a manipulative user through and through who just happens to be bi.  I imagine he will use that closet thing for all it's worth to rescue his all-important image. 

So yes, I stuck up for myself pretty much immediately.  I had known he was lying and suspected that he was cheating on me for years, but when I learned the full truth of it, I stood up and kicked his sorry ass out.  I am fortunate to be in a financial situation that allowed that to happen.  I wrote our settlement in a few days and shoved it down his throat ... he is taking a real hit.  It doesn't make anything better, but it is the only (legal) revenge option I have.  I am still in the extreme anger phase, obviously, and prefer that emotion to the intense pain that sometimes washes over me.  Thanks for listening.  It helps.

Last edited by Dixie (August 14, 2016 9:41 am)

Hi Dixie, welcome. I'm so sorry this thing has happened to you.

For 25 years I was married to who I thought was the nicest man ever. A few years ago things started feeling "off" and I caught him in a few lies. In July of 2015 I learned the truth thru his phone and text log, and then his phone and all the "goodies" and photos etc. he had hidden in his car. I told him he couldn't be married to me anymore, we were through.

Like you, I had control over the finances, and a good income, so I told him what was going to happen, and it did. We were divorced within 5 months. Of course I was devastated, crushed. Like yours, once he knew he couldn't gaslight me anymore, he turned so cold. Never admitted anything. Said the problem was I was "too snoopy." Yes I wanted him to acknowledge the hurt he had caused me, and help me understand how he could have done what he did. But, I got nothing. He walked out the door like it was the best thing that had ever happened to him.

I only survived this year with the love and help of my adult kids, friends, therapists, doctors, support groups(2) this forum, and lots of meditation, reading, and journaling. Possibly a little red wine. I'm pretty happy now, for the most part, but still taking antidepressants and sometimes finding it hard to believe this really happened.

I wish I'd never met him. Now I'm in my mid sixties and divorced, and my in-laws won't speak to me. All this through no fault of my own.

AnneG, our stories also sound similar. I'm a tough cookie and you sound strong as well.

You all are right.  I stayed many years longer than I should have putting up with being lied to because I was so sure that he felt about me the way I felt about him.  By assuming that he loved me, I trusted that he would not do unloving harmful things to me intentionally.  So avoiding the mental confusion and anguish that would come from hearing him say things that I wish were true is for the best.  There just isn't any relief from this pain other than experiencing it until acceptance sets in. 

In fact, one of my biggest supporters is my sister and she continues to insist that of course he loved me all those years and that there is no need for me to "demonize" him.  I have tried to counter argue with her that no one who loves another person would lie and cheat on them for three decades, but she cannot see it and I have had to just let it drop.  Her efforts to persuade me of his past "love" are intended as kind reassurance but sadly have the opposite effect.  So I imagine getting the same input from him would be 100x worse.  Be careful what you wish for ...