Hello Uncertain, 

Welcome to the forum.  I'm so sorry you find yourself here.  But I am glad you found us and I hope that we can be very helpful to you as you navigate through this storm. 

There is hope!   I promise you there is.  You just can't see it right now.  I use the "storm" metaphor quite often because I think it's really good.   Imagine you are in a boat on the ocean and you get caught in a terrible storm.  In the midst of that storm, all you can see is dark clouds and danger.  All you can hear is high wind and thunder.  All you can feel is cold and wind and rain.  Your reality at that time is what you can see, hear and feel.   But, that storm is temporary and will pass.  Just outside that storm is beauty and wonder, peace and tranquility, and new hope.  Those things are real too, you just can't wrap your mind around that yet because you can't see it, hear it or feel it.  But in time, you will. 

I know exactly the pain and suffering you talk about.  I was there too.  I know what it's like to not be able to get out of bed, too just want to cry for an entire day.  I remember struggling to watch TV because even normal sitcoms were too stressful.. so I'd watch home repair and cooking shows.  I remember the conflict of needing love and support from the one who pledged their life to love and support me, even though they were the one causing me all the pain and hurting me more than anyone.  Even as she filed for divorce and planned secret liaisons with her new girlfriend.. I would ask her to lay beside me in bed so I could put my head on her chest to hear her heartbeat.  I needed that temporary comfort just to help me survive that day.  The problem is that what I thought I needed was actually hurting me more.  I just didn't know it.  

The "Roller Coaster" you speak of is very real.  There is no way to get off the ride.. you have to stick it out.  But the knowledge that you are on a roller coaster will help you survive it.  Here's a couple important points.  First... The dips and valleys that represent the worst sadness and pain are temporary and are followed by some small inclines when you get a bit of a break.  When you recognize that you are in one of those low points, remind yourself that you are there, but it's temporary.  You know that later in the day or the next day will be better. This way you can convince yourself to wait it out and that makes it easier to survive.   Second, know that the roller coaster has the biggest valleys early in the ride.. As time goes on the valleys are less severe and happen less often.  The highs become more common and last longer.  Unlike a real roller coaster, this one defies gravity and actually can finish higher than where you started.  You'll get there. 

If the decision has been made to separate and divorce and move apart, then your counselor is wrong.  In my opinion, and that of most of our group based on what I've read here, staying connected will only prolong the pain and delay your healing.  Detach fully as quickly as you can.  It's like pulling off a band-aid.. Do it quick in one rip and it hurts a lot for a short time.  Do it slowly and it hurts for a long time.  Unlike a wound on your skin that still heals under a band-aid..  The emotional wounds you need to heal from will remain and fester as long as that band-aid is still on.  Rip that sucker off and start healing.  

Start thinking of him as your ex-husband.  Stop considering how your actions will impact your future relationship with him... because you are no longer intertwined into each other's lives.  Start thinking of him as your children's father and your ex-husband.  What he does with his life will not be of much concern to you in a few years, so try to start thinking that way as soon as you can.  I won't say this is easy, but if you can do it it will help you heal more quickly. 

Keep posting.. keep sharing.  Let us know how we can help.  We are here for you. 

 

Uncertain5102 wrote:

My husband of nearly 30 years....I am desperately seeking advice/support from those in this world who truly knows what this feels like  & how they survived losing someone they loved so much.
Hopeless  

 

Uncertain....for me it was one day at a time, and one step forward & two steps back much of the time...in the beginning. I went from thinking a MOM was the way to go.....to thinking "no way can I live like this!" It's excruciatingly painful. We are still together, he (my life-partner) is sure we can work this out. I'm unsure if this means he just gets better at hiding stuff, I have zero trust in him anyway. But I'm dependent on him to live, which angers me because until his admission of a desire to experiment with men....I didn't see myself this way! It was simply his admission that changed the dynamic of (what I thought was) a strong unbreakable r'ship.

These dynamics of your relationship will never match/be the same as mine...but I have realised I will have to continue living in the twilight, this not-quite-a-true-r'ship time until something monumental changes in the way I see 
myself and what I feel for the man who is still beside me
 

Totally with you. Married 27 years and he was my best friend. He moved out on Friday. I too tried to make it work. We’ve been struggling on since September when he said he couldn’t live with me anymore.
Can I just say even though it’s only been 2 days I feel relieved. I also feel sad and lonely and scared of the future a bit but I am more relaxed already. I didn’t realise how tense I was and how low my self esteem had got.
To have someone who you have shared a lifetime with avert their eyes when you undress or worse leave the room is beyond bearable. We deserve better.

yes me too.  exactly the same.  immediately more relaxed despite being scared and lonely.  immediately aware of how low my confidence was - i.e. it must have immediately improved but that was just the start,  I am even more shocked now at how low it had got as I recover more.

all those years of blaming my childhood for feeling anxious and unconfident and not a bit of it, it was just him deflecting the blame - now I am remembering my pre- GIDH confidence and it was so much better at 19 than at any point in our relationship.  It's just so shocking how fast it goes down and I think, even tho you're not aware it is happening at the time, it's because you're with a husband that doesn't fancy you and that's the message you absorb.

 

Uncertain, 
Thank you for the incredibly kind feedback.  I'm so happy to know that I've made even a small difference in your life.  That's exactly what keeps me here on forum.  I'm blessed to have so many other brothers and sisters in this online family who do the same.  We all have a passion for using our rare and painful experiences to help others walk the same path.  Hopefully we can help encourage you and guide you so that your walk is easier. 

Be kind to yourself in these most difficult days.  Don't set high expectations for yourself.  Allow yourself to feel the emotions.  It's great to keep busy as that helps you keep your mind off of things for a while.  It's a nice escape sometimes.   But don't overwhelm yourself.  If you need a day off to stay in bed, do that.  

Keep sharing whatever you feel comfortable sharing.  Stick around.  Let us know what you are struggling with so that we can continue to support you.